Introducing: ME!

My dad made a remark today...and while I could see why he would say this, it was distressing to me because I really feel that, if that's how he's perceiving me through my blogs, then I'm not doing the job I want to do. He said that, if you look at just my blogs and didn't know me, it would look very much as though I were lost in the identity of an ill person...That my illnesses have become all consuming and have begun to define me.

I think the reason that it appears this way on these blogs is because that is sort of the reason I am writing these blogs...to reach people who maybe have that in common with me...or to help their families understand what it is a chronically ill person goes through.

But I never wanted you to think that I AM the illness. Or that it consumes me.
Now it's true that Pain is pretty consuming. It is a voracious beast that is never satisfied with a part of you, it wants your whole being. And I do struggle with that. And that's because, no matter what it is I decide to do, or want to do, pain is and must be, a major factor and consideration. But it is also true that I often thumb my nose at it and do what I want to do, regardless of the price I'll pay in pain. I rarely let it stop me from doing something I really want to do.

I push myself every day to exercise...because it has become very important to me to be as physically fit and as strong as possible. I've become very much interested in diet and nutrition...and I've recently lost fifty unneeded pounds. The doctors told me that I would never be able to tolerate any exercise ...that my lungs could not take any extra demand...But I ignored that ...And began to walk...doing a little more every day...until now I can walk for miles up and down steep hills...and not even becoming winded.

I do not allow this illness to push me around very much. Of necessity, it has limited my activity a bit...due to my hands not cooperating with me anymore...and not being able to drive, due to the fact that I can't turn my head anymore...
But if I can possibly do something , I do it. When I'm home, I rarely think about the illnesses. When I think of myself...I do not think of them either. They are not who I am.

I'm a creative person.
I'm expressive verbally and visually.
I'm a determined person.
I think I'm fairly courageous.
I was always very self-disciplined...although the demand for this self discipline is diminished now, so it is not as big of a factor in my character as it once was.

I love music...with a passion.
I love to laugh and talk to my daughter...and I love it that I'm her hero and she truly admires me. How rare that is with a teenage daughter!!! I'm proud of that because her opinion is something I respect and her respect is something I crave.
I love to study the Bible..and memorize verses. I know a great deal of the Bible by heart. I do have trouble now retaining new verses...but still recall all of the ones I'd learned previously...even as a small child.
I like to cook...especially really healthy food. I used to be a raw vegan...ate no animal products at all and did not eat cooked food. Talk about a demanding diet! But I did it for several years. Now I'm mostly a vegetarian, although once in a great while, I will eat chicken or fish.

I would love to return to school...I want to get my Doctor of Naturopathy degree. With an emphasis in herbology and nutrition. If I had the money for the online course that is offered by Clayton College I would definitely do that. I already study a lot about herbs and know quite a bit about them. I enjoy making my own medicines and remedies. From everything from my hair dye...to tea to treat pain. This fascinates me. And the more I think about it, the more I think I really need to pursue this. It has been a dream of mine for several years now.

I love to sing..and although my voice is not what it used to be - from disuse and asthma,-- I still sing at every opportunity I get. My husband always hushes me when I sing. I used to ALWAYS have a song on my lips. But he shushed me so often that I've fallen out of the habit of singing. This distresses me because I feel that he has stopped up the joy in my heart and silenced my praises to God. When he's not home, I try to sing a lot and get back into the habit. But it no longer is natural to me. How sad.

I love to laugh and I have a pretty great sense of humor...but it is not the goofy kind of humor that my husband uses...It is more subtle and intellectual...I like to make plays on words...and I use sarcasm a lot...not against people, just a biting kind of humor. My daughter and I can really play off of each other well...She has the same sense of humor that I do..and the two of us can get laughing so hard that we can't breathe. But only she sees this side of me and only I see that side of her. It is our secret world and alter ego.

I love beauty..and I like to find the beautiful hidden in the mundane.
I miss painting.
Someday I want to have one of my books published. I think I write some really good poetry. But it remains a secret side of me...my dad is the only one who sees my work. But I think that of all the literary forms, poetry is the one I'm most gifted in.

Anyway...I just wanted to clarify that, although this blog is largely about illness and coping with it. I myself am more than an illness. I am a warrior. And I will find a way to do whatever it is I set my heart on doing. I'm good like that. :)