The Will to Change

I deeply apologize for my silence over the last 11 days. And the worst part is that I don't even really have an excuse. Well, I do -- sort of. I've been really focused on my involvement in SparkPeople.com. That is the site I told you about quite a while ago which is dedicated to helping and supporting people in their efforts to live healthy lives in thinner, stronger bodies.

I had gained 80 pounds since last fall largely from medications and being immobile. I was also weakened by the same two reasons. And I decided--about in May, I would say--that enough was enough and I just wasn't going to take it lying down anymore. So I became more empowered ...in every sense of the word. My pulmonologist responded to my question as to what kind of exercise I could expect to be able to do with the following words of doom: "You will not be able to ANYTHING EVER. Your lungs cannot tolerate any more stress on them besides just breathing while at rest."

Well. I never was a kid who listened to the words, "NO" or " You can't"! I've always been one to rise to a challenge...and if that involved a little rebellion, then that was all the better! So I decided as they wheeled my wheelchair to the door of the hospital the day of my discharge from my last asthma hospitalization, that I'M THROUGH WITH BEING SICK!!! It's been a solid ten years since I got asthma and since my health went down the tubes..and that's quite enough time of one's life to spend wasting away...and wasting time.

So, I found Spark. And I lost 50 pounds. And now, I have MUSCLES...and you can even SEE them! And I can do Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shed; and I can walk for miles up and down steep hills; and do the three mile workout on Leslie Sansone's DVD. Take THAT, Dr. D!! I've been eating really, really healthfully; I've made numerous friends online, some of whom, I've talked to on the phone...

So between blogging on Spark People's site; exercising and tracking food, talking on forums, and actually interacting with my family...there has been little time for introspection so I've felt like I had little to say here. But I think I DO have an important message to bring you. In fact, several.

1. When a doctor tells you to do something that is contrary to what you know is healthy for people in general...think really really carefully before you do it! My doc told me not to exercise. Another told me don't drink more than 18 oz of liquid in a day. Both of those things completely contradict natural medicine and just plain common sense. Now, I know, those are the traditional medicine's answers to two of my health problems...and disobeying must be done with care and common sense and lots of caution...But I did that....and all of the problems those dictates were designed to address have improved greatly in the past months since I've taken matters into my own hands.

I also, back then, decided that I was tired of being a fat zombie who had no ambition to shower or change her clothes and I redesigned my medication regime, based on the information I had and based on experience and lots of personal research and also talking to people. I went on meds that I knew had a tendency to make some people lose weight. I went on meds that made some people hyper...and I went back on a psychotropic that I'd taken years ago with success and from which I had few side effects. All this was met with panic from my husband and cautionary words from my doctors...but you know what? It WORKED. The meds have addressed my negative symptoms and do not have me leveled by the side effects...I have energy and motivation....

The only fly in the ointment was pain. As you know, if you've been following here, I have severe constant pain. So I decided to address that too. I began to go to a pain management doctor and we tried med after med...with no good results. Until finally at my last visit a month ago, he put me on one that has actually helped. Plus the Methotrexate via injection has also made a big difference with my PsA pain....so although I'm far from being pain free, I'm closer to it than I have been in as long as I can remember. And I honestly believe that, contrary to what one would think, the exercise has helped in this area also.


And the other thing relevent to this blog's purpose which I would like to tell you is:

• You don't have to sit back and give up on life just because you have a mental or physical illness. Even if the doctors have TOLD you that it's hopeless and given up on you themselves: God is able to do anything. And you are able to do a LOT if you put your mind to it and decide that you're not going to take it lying down. I'm not recommending that you flush all your meds down the toilet , by the way. You need to work with your doctors, and make use of medical knowledge...Of course, sometimes, you can decide not to follow their advice, but you must still take your meds if you have schizophrenia. I still take my nebulizer and puffers for my asthma. And I still take all my psych meds...but I insisted that I have some say in which ones I was put on...and I based that on research of my own. Some things are just necessary and it would be stupid to toss them out. But use discretion, pray about your decsions...seek God's guidance and wisdom....Use common sense

And above all:

• You have to WANT to be well. You have to decide deep in your soul that you are determined to put away the whole persona of an ill person..and strive as much as possible to be well. And if you would; accept this advice and then go to www.SparkPeople.com even if you are not overweight, the things they recommend and the lifestyle they promote is good for EVERYONE....Read "The Spark" by Chris Downie...the founder of Spark...even if you just read the intro and the first chapter where he tells his own story of how he overcame poverty and exreme social phobia and anxiety to become a multi billionaire, to speak in front of thousands of people and to feel comfortable doing it...all because he decided in his heart that he wanted to change and that he would not accept those conditions. Any one can do the same. I'm not promising that you'll be a billionaire, but you can overcome great obstacles if you decide that you really really want to and are willing to work hard in order to obtain a new way of life.

I've still got schizophrenia...but I'm doing amazingly well. I do not even tell some new people that I meet about my illness...although I do invite them to my blog here. I'm not hiding it...but it is no longer my identity. I'm not a schizophrenic named Cynthia. I'm Cynthia, and I happen to have schizophrenia.