I've been out of the psychiatric hospital for exactly one year now...And for the past, probably 6 months, have been very stable and high functioning. I have been now focusing on losing the weight that the psych and asthma medications helped me to gain and so far have lost 50 pounds. I also have been struggling with my physical well-being...attempting to exercise daily and get some muscle definition and increase my stamina...as well as to augment my respiratory health. I'm having some success in that area as well...now being able to do things physically which, even three months ago, were impossible for me.
A real stumbling block has been my level of pain...this usually being way out of control to the degree that it made activity of any kind, almost impossible. However, several months ago, I visited a new pain management doctor who has experimented with different methods of treating the pain, and we have hit upon a combination which is pretty effective; more effective than anything else has been, at any rate. I still have pain all the time; and it is still sometimes severe....but it is several points lower generally on the "1-10" pain scale...so to me; this is heaven.
This decrease in pain has also led to an increase in activity and in physical participation in Life. All of these factors combined have gotten me to a point, not of normalcy, but of functioning in a passable way. I still don't think I could work for even five hours a day...I still have to take frequent "lie-downs" as my friend from Scotland says, to get the pain level back under control once more. But to even be able to CONSIDER mopping a kitchen floor or running the vacuum; or going shopping without a scooter or wheelchair...is an amazing improvement. And to be able to carry on conversations with my family without them rolling their eyes at each other is a nice bonus as well.
I'm really not sure how to process these changes. While part of me is THRILLED to be able to walk for a couple of miles and to not have voices shrieking at me contantly; part of me is a bit thrown by the whole thing. People still do not regard me as "normal" mentally (which I guess is to be expected as Schizophrenia is not something that will go away), but I do see those who know me the best beginning to lengthen my leash and to trust me with small responsibilities. My worst handicap at this point, honestly, is my short term memory loss...which is the conseqence of both the illness and the ECT and medications which were used to treat it. I am learning some new "tricks" to help me recall things or to at least be reminded of them so that I carry them out as I'm supposed to. But there are still many times in a day when my lack of recollection will cause some kind of a problem.
For a person who has been really really ill for as long as I have, to suddenly have a span of relatively good health, is both an amazing blessing...and also a terrifying occurence. I'm honestly not sure how to relate to even myself now...and I know that other people are in a similar cautious situation around me. My husband is the most pessimistic of all...openly awaiting the next illness or hospitalization and afraid to give me an ounce of his emotional commitment because he's too afraid of losing me again. I guess this reluctance is understandable...sort of...not that I agree with it, certainly...but I understand that that is how he deals with it.
I'm caught in a crux between a new determination to stay well...and the same pessimistic outlook of waiting for the next shoe to drop. I have utilized every conceivable weapon against illness that I can come up with...and so far it has worked. There have been three occasions when I KNEW I was sick...coming down with a respiratory illness....and have used my knowledge of herbalogy, nasal lavaging, drinking hot liquids and continuing to exercise despite increased shortness of breath. And each of the three times, the illness backed off after only one or two days of feeling the symptoms of onset. For me, this is a huge miracle. I have the asthma, a congenital immune deficiency plus Psoriatic Arthritis and I take Methotrexate which destroys the immune system ...I'm at a huge risk for sickness...and yet, somehow, with God's help and blessing, I've fought off illnesses when all around me were sick.
Mentally, I'm not used to a brain that functions halfways normally either. And I'm so used to being told that I'm NOT being logical, when I could swear that I am, that I really am having trouble trusting myself...my own rationales, and my own judgment. I find the whole world, as a relatively healthy person, to be quite frightening. Along with wellness come all kinds of responsiblities and possiblities and also, my situation nonetheless makes many possiblities still impossible or illadvised. And I am having LOTs of trouble sorting out the difference between the two. I don't dare ask my family for their help in discerning this, because after ten years of sickness, they are more than a little pessimistic and distrustful of everything I say and do. So where do I go for this? ARe my own judgments reliable? Is there such a thing as being TOO ambitious and optimistic?
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