I've had it all Wrong

To all those who know me; to my Adonai, who knows me best of all:
I apologize. I'd forgotten who I am. I'd forgotten why I'm here. And I was going about life all wrong.

For those of you who know anything about me, you know that I suffer from poor health and intractable and severe pain. For those of you who know me personally, you know that I've been going through a time of especially severe pain. And the REASON that you know this, is that I've been going about things all wrong.

Today, in reading My Utmost for His Highest, (my most-often used source other than Scriptures), I came nose to nose with a very unpleasant truth about myself which I need to share with you, because I need to confess and to apologize to you for approaching the pain in my life with a very backwards and yes, sinful, attitude. Oswald Chambers has a key phrase/concept in his writing, which was also evident in his life, and that was: the importance and need for us to become "broken bread and poured out wine;"--to make ourselves living sacrifices (as Scripture puts it in: Romans 12:1 ) and to "pick up our cross daily and follow Him," as Matt. 10:38 puts it. In other words: to place ourselves into God's hands and allow Him to crush us and shape us in any manner which suits His pleasure and purposes is the highest goal and honor of the disciple of Christ. To emulate His humble acquiescence to the horror of the cross in order to demonstrate our love for Him is what the true student of the cross should seek to do in every aspect of their lives.

And to this purpose, years ago, I pledged myself. However, over the years, as my pain and suffering has not diminished but rather has intensified, I found myself beginning to seek comfort from the people around me, rather than deriving my solace in God alone. I fear that, in so doing, I have then "received my comfort" just as the Pharisee who prays aloud on the street corners has "received his reward" as he receives the accolades of man. I'd forgotten how sweet is the solace of God. I have discovered, however, the shallowness and unsatisfactory appeal of the comfort of men.

I had a growing sense of disgust with myself; an intensifying sense that I was not pleasing God and was merely annoying people...but I persisted. Because pain like this NEEDS some kind of comfort, some kind of reward...and I forgot, completely, that the only real source of that is to be found in the arms of my Father.

There is great danger in the path I was pursuing. It would lead, could only lead to alienating all the human friends I have--both by their annoyance and helplessness in the face of my need and also through my sense of discouragement and lack of satisfaction with what they are able to offer me. Also due to the alienation that comes when one realizes that NO ONE can comprehend or relate to what I am experiencing...This leads to discouragement and to rejecting people simply because their experiences lack the resources for them to understand what I am going through.

And the GREATEST danger of all is this: that I would have forfeited the comfort of the Father, the reward of Heaven and thwarted God's purpose in allowing that suffering in the first place, thus, making it completely senseless and pointless-- and therefore a sad waste of a life. (By forfeiting the reward of Heaven, I do not mean that my acting in this manner would have resulted in my not going to Heaven. I mean, rather, that I would not APPRECIATE the comfort and relief to be found there as fully or in the manner in which it was intended for me; I would not receive the great reward granted to those who walk in the path of the cross.)

I understood all this years ago ...but in the grinding, never-ending cycle of pain filled days...I forgot what it was about. I'd forgotten that I'd stepped into the pyre and given the executioner my permission to light the match. I forgot that my purpose was to please my Jesus and to be used by Him in WHATEVER MANNER He should choose to use me. I forgot how sweet is His comfort and how strong is His strength which He offers to me and to all who suffer for Him. And I'd settled for something far less satisfying in every respect. And in so doing, I lost my joy.

I'd become a victim rather than a disciple.

My Lord, forgive me.
My friends, forgive me.
-- I'd expected from you what you could not give. And I'd tired you by my repeated efforts and my refusal to understand that it was not yours to give. As you know, Einstein said that the definition of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over and to expect a different result. And that's what I was doing.

I do not think that it is too late to pick up my cross again and to follow Him. If it was, He would not have given me today's devotion, so aptly timed, this morning. So, I will curl up, next to my Father's heart, slip my hand into His,...and zip my lips about my pain from now on! God knows; God understands; God will use it...and that's enough!