I'm upset (in case you hadn't gathered by now.) Just a few "stats" which will maybe give you a hint as to the content of my distress:
- In the past year or longer, I have not been anywhere overnight other than the hospital.
- In the past year, I can't think of ANYPLACE that I've been except for one brief trip to the mall, the hospital, doctors' appointments and a few stores I beg my way into stopping at on those trips to the doctor...always these are carried out in a great hurry to fit into the schedule of the person driving me...and must never be more than a mile out of the way of my appointment; I've also been to Walmart; once or twice to Shop Rite; a few restaurants ( but nothing very exciting); Bible Study; Church and ummmm...Hospitals. That's it. That's all.
- I have not been on a vacation of any kind for seventeen years...when we went for a weekend to Mystic, CT. when my daughter was a year old.
- I have not gone to any retreats or conferences (with the exception of one retreat and one conference both over a year ago) for many, many years.
- I have never gone over to a friend's house for the day or just to "hang out" in as long as I can remember.
- I have not had a car in over four years that I could take anywhere for even a day...except for a Rav 4 I had briefly which got 12 miles to the gallon of gas and had over 200,000 miles on it...enough said.
- I have to beg, borrow or steal a ride just to get to the pharmacy.
- I have not had company at my house since I was married (21 years ago) ...except for once or twice when a friend stopped in for tea...RARE occasions. And I've not had anyone over for a meal since the very very early years of our marriage when ONCE I had company over for dinner.
The most fun I've had was when I left my husband several years ago; just hopped in my car with my daughter and a couple of suitcases...and took off for several weeks. Yeah, it was a sad and distressful occasion, but my daughter and I still talk about how FUN it was to just go somewhere, anywhere but this house.
People, I am not old. Not really (despite what my 18 year old daughter says). I am too young to live like this. I can't stand it anymore, I really can't. I haven't complained. Not once. But I'm complaining now. The loneliness and the boredom are overwhelming. I would probably sell my soul to have a car for a day to go anywhere I wanted. I would also give one of my appendages to take a day and go out with a friend--not for a doctor's appointment...just to have fun.
Do people think I don't care that I live like this? Do they think it doesn't bother me? Does it just not even occur to them that I might be miserable??
It's bad enough to have a body that is in pain ALL THE TIME...and not even to have the respite of sleep...but I can't tolerate much more of this.
My husband is a man of routine and habits and SAMENESS...anything else throws him for a loop. I, however, LOVE spontaneity and am gregarious by nature. I am a social creature. I need to SHOP (YES, I am a woman.)
I feel like hitchhiking somewhere,...just to get out of here and for some excitement.
It is pathetic, but I ENJOYED the two ambulance rides when I dislocated my hip both times recently...sure I was in mind-blowing pain, but it got me out of the house...I got to meet people, and heck, it was exciting. Isn't that SICK???
Not for anything....Just sayin'
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