The Birth of Health

Last Monday, I believe it was; I was so depressed and freaked out about food issues, and felt so blah the whole day that I scared myself… I even had suicidal thoughts. I haven’t felt like that in months and it scared the crap out of me.

Well, I discovered why it happened. That day I’d forgotten to take any of my medication. Amazing, isn’t it? That ONE day off of them, and already I was almost in crisis! It’s scary for sure. But it shows me clearly how wonderfully these meds are working. And that it is them doing the improvement, not anything else. I HATE TO ADMIT THAT! I never, ever thought I would find a med combo that helped me enough to outweigh any side effects. Let alone a med combo that made me feel this good that had almost no side effects!

I never thought I’d find meds that I WANTED to take simply because they helped me so much! I pray that my insurance will not change for the worse. I pray that I don’t develop side effects that are dangerous….I pray that I don’t “get used to them” so that they stop working.

I never, ever thought I would feel better enough—GOOD enough—to prefer it over the intensity and “creative edge” that I got from being sick. I never thought I would prefer to be healthy and NORMAL! Haha. ‘Normal is boring.” That was almost my mantra.

Now, I don’t want the drama of being sick. It is an interruption and an intrusion. I’m scared of getting sick, physically or mentally, again. I am thinking more and more of looking good; feeling good; and feeling STRONG and capable. Like if someone asked me to go out and shoot hoops with them, I would actually consider doing it and not laugh…or panic! I can’t believe, for example, that a few minutes ago I was seriously considering trying to play tennis again!

Even when I was 18, I was too out of shape and sickly to consider that. In fact, I was in a wheelchair then! How sad, that my youth: what should have been my strongest, healthiest and most active years were lost to decades of mental and physical illness! I never even got to enjoy it! (being young and beautiful).

To what do I owe this change in attitude: this serious craving for health and physical activity and strength and endurance? Two things: meds and Spark People.com. Reading and reading all that “crap” has made a change in my brain! As I’ve read about fat, out of shape people getting thin and strong and running marathons, I began to believe that maybe I could too… And WANTING TO – desperately.

Yes, I have serious, chronic illnesses. But I am determined that they will not have the last word. Or the last laugh. I want to be the one laughing at the end of the story! I want to look back and see how I defeated them and went on to a decent life despite them. I want to snatch back from the decades past, my health and youth. I want to have a second go at it…and have all of the fun I never had back then…locked up in hospitals and wheelchairs.

You know what is new in all of this? It’s these two words, “I WANT”…. I don’t think there are many things I’ve wanted from life before – except for it to be over…and that has got to be a good thing to have gained now. A desire for life: a better life; MORE life. I want to work. Work hard…at getting strong; and eventually do some meaningful work in my life. I don’t want to die having accomplished a big fat NOTHING, other than to have set new illness records or records for ‘Most Days Hospitalized’ in a year! I want to do something for God and for His people. I want to do something bold and significant.

A part of me shrinks back at that thought. There is still a tenuous, fearful self here…a little one…lurking. She whispers, “You’re a mental patient! You have schizophrenia! People DON’T get rid of that disease! It has done damage, physical, probably irreparable damage to your brain! You don’t always THINK rationally! How could you take on responsibilities again? How could you go off of disability??? What if you got sick again? Who would ever trust you in a position where people depended on you? Who would ever be able to overlook a past like yours? Even your husband and daughter devalue and disregard what you say and do; why wouldn’t anyone else?”

I do not underestimate the importance of these things. I know that in order to be fully trusted in life, I would have to move far away, where no one knows me, and then start over with my past a huge secret…even away from my family.

But is it necessary to have that trust, in order to live a significant life, successfully? Can’t public opinions just be another hurdle to be leapt? Can’t I laugh off those who are ignorant and foolish and cling to old prejudices? Can’t I take everyone’s skepticism and doubts as another challenge and set about to defeat that one too? Can’t I look at it all as another sport—a sport to be conquered and mastered? A game to be WON!

The little me in the dark corners of my mind, is running around now, frantic in her panic. I’ve scared the crap out of her. Pulled the rug out from under her scrawny legs. Threatened the very ground she stands on. I WANT to threaten that ground. I want to BULLDOZE IT OUT OF EXISTENCE….AND BUILD SOMETHING GOOD, SOMETHING STRONG, INSTEAD.

I know that there will be those of you who read this, who think that this is just another expression of my illness…mania perhaps. And that’s okay. You are allowed to think that. Just check in with me in 5 years’ time and see what I’ve done since, OK?