A Unit Test

Okay.
For the moment anyway, I am past the shock and the self pity of my latest circumstance. I am clinging to the sovereignty of God...the mystery of his ways...trusting in his inimitable goodness and love for me...and trying to dig into this silence that is enveloping me. This ALONENESS. I am trying to realize that for the harried mother; for the exhausted businessman, this news of 6 months of being alone would maybe be welcome. I am thinking of my friend Sara Frankl, who does not even get to have the mixed blessing of family members to share her solitude and pain. (see: www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com) I am thinking that maybe God has something special for me in the midst of this pain that is SO beyond my ability to endure; something in the fact that I will probably not be able to go anywhere outside my house for quite a long time...Maybe He is just saying, "Look at ME; not at your circumstances. When the pain is unendurable, trust ME to help you bear it."

I have had some "strange" experiences in the past couple of days. At times when I think I will just lose my mind from the pain...my mind drifts into --get this--WORSHIP! I know it seems crazy (to those of you who maybe are less familiar with suffering and my God)...but it's like this: When all else fails; when you are at the complete end of yourself, WORSHIP. I heard somewhere that the end of yourself is the beginning of God. And I'm experiencing this. I feel probably like Job did when he said, after the loss of every earthly possession and all his offspring: "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!" I used to think this statement was bizarre...either a "fake" goodness, maybe hoping to rewin God's favor...or just insanity. But now I am beginning to understand. When you have nothing else and you get a glimpse then of the hugeness and inexplicability of God...that is the only possible response: to fall on your face in front of Him and admit, "I know nothing. I AM nothing. It's all Yours to give or to take." and then He rewards us with a PEEK at His face.

This whole experience has made me realize that I've thought and said some pretty pompous things, for a creature made of clay... Just thinking that God OWES me health and well-being is one of them. "What are you? Dust. Grass that will wither and blow away in the heat of the morning sun"...(rough paraphrase) The AMAZING thing is that God has granted these cursed bodies the ability to contain an immortal soul and the promised of a restored and immortal body. Who are we to demand comfort also during this trek on earth? We have been blessed with "every spiritual blessing" (Ephesians 1 I think) and those blessings are eternal. This life is a flicker...but it is truly the only time of great OPPORTUNITY that we will be granted. God gives us tests...not to punish us, but for the chance to show off what we know; for the ability to improve our grade-point averages (which started out at zero)...so as such, they are great opportunities. Unless of course, we throw them back at Him, spit in His face and say, "HOW DARE YOU?" Then our testing becomes a true curse, because we failed to take advantage of the possibility that was granted us.

I can see; (as could any blind man) that these six months are at least a unit test...and who knows? maybe my final exam. I do NOT want to mess this up! I do not want to miss the treasures that God has tucked into this great darkness for me to discover!

"THE LORD GIVES AND THE LORD TAKES AWAY..." my response will be to bless his name and to worship him and to TRUST that it is for my ultimate good.

Hold me to that okay? If I start to go stir crazy or to fall into whining, suggest I revisit this post...I may need to be reminded.