Endings

 Well, it is a few weeks since I last posted.  Let's see what sense I can pull from this head and manage to use it to write something someone would like to read.  

Well, it's really "much ado" about  the same three or four topics which I've already dealt with in past posts.  I don't want to beat that poor, dead horse....Let us move on, shall we?

I haven't yet decided what to do about next year in terms of continuing this blog.  Between my uneventful life, my mental illness and diminished mental faculties I am really struggling with frustration which is often burdensome, as I search for topics about which to write.  My inclination is to say that I have said all that I have  to say and leave it at that.  I want to tell you that there are 10 years' worth in the annals of this blog.  The search feature will have to be your best friend though because Blogger changed the manner in which they allow you to navigate around  old posts.  They don't even tell you what year or month it is that you are looking at.  My advice is to pick a topic and using the search function (in the side bar to the right.) And be aware that it shows up in tiny print..another peeve I have.  You  have to search in order to search!  

Anyway. Once  you find a period of time or a topic that you want to explore, at the end of each blog there are two arrows--one for Older Post and one for Newer Post....that's the best way to follow through a span of time consecutively...just keep clicking the "newer post" arrow and read on. And you can always find the date the post was written at the top of the post near the title.

So if you want to read Cynthia's mind before it had completely departed...have a party! I'll bring the popcorn. hahaha.

But seriously. 

This blog has given my life some sense of purpose and accomplishment.   It has gone through seasons of high readership and low. (understandably, it is in one of those slumps right now).  Through it, I have made friends and gained a list of people to pray for.  If you are the family member of a mentally ill person, I pray that this will help you to gain understanding and compassion for what they are going through.  If you, yourself, are mentally ill I hope to have encouraged you to keep on striving for more,,don't be content just to take up space.  You have a serious mental illness but that doesn't mean all life, meaning and hope for the future have evaporated.   Think of something  you want to accomplish and then take steps, even baby steps, in that direction.  

I think that the sentence that would most explain my emotions and thoughts right now is this statement  I saw on a T-shirt:   "Fall down 7 times; Get  up 8"

God bless and thank  you for reading.

As Things Stand

 This post will not "wow" you with style or insight.  I feel a decided lack in both areas.  However you are probably wondering if I fell off the earth--so my purpose here is mainly to inform.

For some past months I have been "pursued" by a hacker/identity thief..  According to my family, he doesn't exist but is a figment of my psychosis.  As  a result I was railroaded into a hospital admission....although, I confess, it was necessary.  My fear and anxiety over the situation had caused me to dip back into psychosis...and I was struggling with delusions and hallucinations as well as a load of paranoia.  There were a total of three hospital stays in recent memory.  They did help although I am appalled by the advancement of my illness. I can no longer pretend that I am "normal" (is anyone?) and because my husband no  longer wants me to live in "his" home (it is half mine)--I am looking into other living alternatives.  Believe me, there are not a lot of options....at least not where I live.  It is easy to see how people with SZ so often live on the street.  A family member or room mate point to the door and say "OUT!" and there is no recourse for them but to go.  There are not too many people who are willing to share a house with someone who has SZ.

When I was in my 20's I lived in a group home--and I HATED it.  Because you see, in my eyes, I was normal and this was all a terrible mistake.  I thought I was better than the other residents. and had never been homeless....so I did not appreciate a somewhat comfortable bed and the half a room that was mine to call home or having sufficient food to stave off hunger.  From there I moved to a "Supportive Apartment" run by the same organization that ran the house.  I shared the apartment with two other young women and had the luxury of being assigned the one single bedroom.   My roommates varied from nice enough to a real ***** who set off every paranoid alarm in my brain.  I was terrified of her and she hated me  and did her best to worsen my paranoia.....

Anyway. 

I wanted out of the "System" - I didn't belong there (just ask me!)  So when a marriage proposal came from the man I was dating, I was very relieved that I would no longer be living in a group home. That lasted for 30 years of functioning adequately well enough to keep a house and raise a daughter.  But in the past 10 years, things have begun to slide.   I was kind of unaware of it until my social worker in the last hospital visit, asked me if I thought I belonged in a state hospital.  I almost yelled a vehement "NO!!" - Honestly it was not a thought that had crossed my mind in the past ten years when the question had come up one other time.My social worker said "You have a chronic, degenerative brain disease.  These episodes are not going to lessen. They will get worse and do you really want to hurt your family by going in and out of the hospital all of the time?"

Add that to that the fact that my father is quite worried about what will become of me when he is gone.  He wants to have me set up in some kind of long term solution.  I really never thought it would come down to this.  I mean, I knew it was a degenerative, chronic disease but never really considered in real life what that implied. So now, with my husband becoming more and more angry and constantly demanding that I leave ...I am under pressure to find some kind of alternative I can live with....and am not coming up with a bunch of options.

 So. 

Right now life is hard and I am in a bad spot.  God has some kind of solution in the works--I just hope he reveals it soon. I would not survive a single night on the street.  My pain levels are so severe that even a trip to the store is barely endurable.  And as far as my walking ability?  from my house down the driveway is about all I could manage.

This is how things are right now.  I have basically destroyed all of my friendships - or rather, my friends could not deal with my illness and one by one have bowed out of my life. My mom has gone to heaven and it won't be terribly long until my father does as well.  And then?  I have my daughter although my illness has been very hard on her and I know she has some mixed feelings about me.

If you pray to the Lord Jesus, please pray for me....that there will be an acceptable solution for me to have shelter and food.  Pray for my husband. ..and for my daughter.  Thank you.

A New Year's Resolve in September?

I was blessed when, on Saturday, my daughter came to spend the day with me.  She took my computer and checked everything out.....and declared it "Hacker-free".... as much as I want it to be determined to be safe and clear...I just have so much trouble believing that.  And my constant fear and hyper-alertness to everything that goes on with my accounts such as Google...and my terror when something occurs of which there is no explanation besides human finagling...all this has become part of my world.  It's as though someone said to me ," See your husband there? well, he doesn't exist.  You have created him in your sick mind."  It has made my husband furious and my daughter, frustrated....and me ? Alone and scared.

My daughter recently bought me the "Filament Bible" which is a Bible that is synced with a  QR scanner --which is an app you can install on your cell phone.  I still have some problem working the scanner--shaky hands make that a challenge--but if you are reading a book of the Bible and studying it, you don't have to scan much....you can navigate from your phone's screen.  There are numerous resources on the App which are all relevant to the Scriptures you are reading.  You can find info and "Study",  you can find material on which to "Reflect"  or charts, maps and graphs which invite you to "See". You can take it at  your own pace. You can nibble and graze, or you can dig deeply into a subject.--and  you can take as much or as little time as you can or want.

I am studying the book of Ezekiel who was quite a character...but  he was sold out to obeying God and was willing to suffer  pain and public humiliation in the pursuit of obedience to his God.  I'm no prophet but I do relate to his "weirdness" and am being blessed by his life.  The only objection he had ever raised to one of God's directives to him was his repulsion at the thought of fueling his fire where he was to bake bread--with dried, human dung. Now I would protest also but merely because of its grossness. But Zeke didn't like the idea because it would render him ceremonially unclean. He had kept the Law all his life and the thought  of besmirching his record of obedience was horrifying to him. And you know what? God listened to him and agreed he could use cow dung.  (Me? I'm thinking I would have pushed for charcoal brickettes.!)

 My plan is to continue to use the Filament Bible (forever ??? Maybe). through the coming year. I'm going to do topical studies, word studies, character studies and studies on books of the Bible.  I really like this idea.  I have the structure of a study guide and library of resources---and the freedom to do whatever I want with the material and to go as slowly or  quickly as I want. 

2020 was kind of a year  of spinning my spiritual wheels.  In 2019 I read the whole chronological Bible and that was awesome...but I thought I was ready for something new in 2020 but never  really arrived at what that "something" should be. So I spent my times of Penuel, just paging through my Bible and grazing, randomly.  It was half-hearted and I got little out of it.  It was, I am sure, what made this year so unsatisfying and such a spiritual struggle in seeking: purpose, worship and hearing God's voice through his Word..The year was not a total waste.  God spoke to my heart a number of times and I think I did progress and grow in being able to discern God's voice out of the noise  in my mind and spirit.

But I have determined that  2021 will be a year of increased intimacy and learning.  One thing I HAVE done right in 2020 was a greater focus on Bible memorization.  I learned several entire chapters and some smaller  passages. I will continue with that. Right now I am learning Psalm 91 which should be fairly easy because I am already very familiar with it. Having schizophrenia, probably one of my greatest emotional struggles is the struggle with fear.  Fear of things real (like my future and also what I will do in the face of the current shortage of my main psych med) and fear of things that exist only in this short--circuited brain of mine. And in the face of national instability and uncertainty here in this country and really, world-wide, Psalm  91 is an incredibly relevant and powerful chapter..

One of the best things for me in the face of a fading year and the anticipation of a new year, is the planning of my times of Penuel for the next 365 days (as I have explained before, Penuel which means "the face of God" is what I call my Quiet Time with the Lord each day.)  I'll probably write more on  that in the coming months.

 So study, more focus on prayer, and memorization lie in the year ahead.  I also plan on spending less time online and will probably share less of my guts and will guard my privacy a little more.  Hacker or none, I have too much hanging on the laundry line and it is a risk. And the last area of focus will be to continue to lose weight... This past year I have lost about 60 lbs. I know it is only  September, but I like to plan for the year ahead...even though the way it turns out usually has nothing to do with my plans, but "Those who aim at nothing, will reach it." The coming of fall always motivates me to think ahead. I do not always keep my goals but I do accomplish more than it would were it not for my aspirations.