This is a difficult post to write. There's a fine line between being honest and vulnerable --and looking for sympathy or attention. I have always pretty much laid everything out in hopes that my experiences will help others with their struggles. And I think I will continue to do that with the understanding that some people will misunderstand or be aggravated by my tales of "woe".
I have been struggling with my vision for a couple of years...first it was double vision (which I still have when I'm not wearing my glasses) and that necessitated having three separate pairs of glasses..one for distance, one for computer and one for close up.and reading. They all have prisms in them to varying degrees (thus making it impossible to have progressives and one pair) But lately, I have really been struggling. You may have noticed the large font size of my posts...that is so that I can see them in order to edit etc. And maybe that also helps some of you who have poor vision.
Just last week I went into my settings on every one of my devices and made the type and the cursor larger. I have also been suffering from pain in my eyes and headaches as well as eye fatigue. On Thursday I went to my ophthalmologist who in the past has told me that the kind of glaucoma I have is a benign one and was not likely to cause blindness. So Thursday I had a 6 month checkup and as the doctor did test after test...he broke the news that my optic nerve now is damaged and that this changes things. We discussed what type of eye drops to use because I've been allergic to the last two or three that he has prescribed. My eye pressures were 21 instead of 14 where they should be so it is imperative to find a medicine that I can tolerate. The one that we decided on was one I had been on for awhile but it made my blue eyes begin to change color ...he told me that eventually they would be brown. This is very bad news because my eyes have always been my best feature. But it is better to see than it is to be seen. Right?
I am still trying to digest this news and also trying to keep my mind from traveling down all the scary avenues that have been opening in my thoughts. I must trust God and must believe that he has a reason for this and that ultimately it will cause something good in me. God has used a friend or two to show me that my thoughts should not automatically turn to the worst possible scenarios. He can still heal me or he can help us to successfully halt the progression of this disease. But there are some things I've been thinking. Like, Should I learn Braille while I still can see? I've been told it is much easier to learn if you do it that way.
I don't know. This all really seems unreal to me As much as I struggle to believe that God will heal me, I also have trouble really believing that I may go blind. And maybe that is a very good thing. And I think it is good too that God is showing me the unbelief that is in my heart. Hebrews 11 says that "without faith it is impossible to please God." so this is a pretty serious spiritual ailment. The following article by Matt Chandler who is one of my favorite speaker/writers was one that struck me a week ago regarding how we should approach the topic of healing. He made a lot of sense (and is speaking from hard experience) and now, I find myself needing to read it again....from a new vantage point of someone who desperately needs faith that God can and possibly will heal me. I guess I was already in that position before this point....but now doubly so. I hope it blesses you like it did me.
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/my-prayer-for-the-furnace
I have been struggling with my vision for a couple of years...first it was double vision (which I still have when I'm not wearing my glasses) and that necessitated having three separate pairs of glasses..one for distance, one for computer and one for close up.and reading. They all have prisms in them to varying degrees (thus making it impossible to have progressives and one pair) But lately, I have really been struggling. You may have noticed the large font size of my posts...that is so that I can see them in order to edit etc. And maybe that also helps some of you who have poor vision.
Just last week I went into my settings on every one of my devices and made the type and the cursor larger. I have also been suffering from pain in my eyes and headaches as well as eye fatigue. On Thursday I went to my ophthalmologist who in the past has told me that the kind of glaucoma I have is a benign one and was not likely to cause blindness. So Thursday I had a 6 month checkup and as the doctor did test after test...he broke the news that my optic nerve now is damaged and that this changes things. We discussed what type of eye drops to use because I've been allergic to the last two or three that he has prescribed. My eye pressures were 21 instead of 14 where they should be so it is imperative to find a medicine that I can tolerate. The one that we decided on was one I had been on for awhile but it made my blue eyes begin to change color ...he told me that eventually they would be brown. This is very bad news because my eyes have always been my best feature. But it is better to see than it is to be seen. Right?
I am still trying to digest this news and also trying to keep my mind from traveling down all the scary avenues that have been opening in my thoughts. I must trust God and must believe that he has a reason for this and that ultimately it will cause something good in me. God has used a friend or two to show me that my thoughts should not automatically turn to the worst possible scenarios. He can still heal me or he can help us to successfully halt the progression of this disease. But there are some things I've been thinking. Like, Should I learn Braille while I still can see? I've been told it is much easier to learn if you do it that way.
I don't know. This all really seems unreal to me As much as I struggle to believe that God will heal me, I also have trouble really believing that I may go blind. And maybe that is a very good thing. And I think it is good too that God is showing me the unbelief that is in my heart. Hebrews 11 says that "without faith it is impossible to please God." so this is a pretty serious spiritual ailment. The following article by Matt Chandler who is one of my favorite speaker/writers was one that struck me a week ago regarding how we should approach the topic of healing. He made a lot of sense (and is speaking from hard experience) and now, I find myself needing to read it again....from a new vantage point of someone who desperately needs faith that God can and possibly will heal me. I guess I was already in that position before this point....but now doubly so. I hope it blesses you like it did me.
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/my-prayer-for-the-furnace
2 comments:
Hugs .. And more hugs
Oh Jen, thank you! I can use a few hugs. Love you, my friend!
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