Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The Cutting Edge

It's 4:40 PM...in less than 12 hours I will be leaving my house with a wonderful driver who committed to take me even though it meant leaving at such an hour.
Early in the day I was worked up....anxious, packing in a frenzy, taking care of all the little things that needed to be done at home before I leave.  And just when I had reached a panic point I saw a piece of paper on my desk.  It was in my handwriting but I have no recollection of ever having seen it before.  It said "You do not walk into a dark future alone and without provision."  wow.  Peace flooded my heart and then came a feeling of being loved.  A feeling that, for once, was not lonely and alone.  My  husband will be at work during my surgery (in the same hospital where my surgery is)...I don't know if I will see him there...and that is a terribly lonely feeling.  

But I am not going into this alone..  

I don't know what is going to happen to me tomorrow after the surgery.  It is critical to get me admitted --preferably initially in the hospital and then to be transferred to a nursing home/rehab --but it may happen that I go straight from the hospital into the nursing home.  In any case, I cannot come home as there is no one there who is willing or able to take care of me for the first week or two  when I will desperately need care.

I think that God "wrote" that note to me and he placed it where I would see it...in my greatest hour of need.  I am not alone.  I am not unloved.  I am not without recourse or resource.  He will make a way---where there seems to be no way.  

After the surgery I will need rides --to the doctor and then to Physical Therapy.   I undertook this surgery as a matter of faith.  I'm charting into a large sea in a boat without sails.  I really had no choice. Severe pain has kept me a prisoner...not going out anywhere ...dreading each step I take for many months now.  My pastor encouraged me to take it one need at a time; one ride at a time.  So I did. I am going into this surgery not really having anything much lined up  This is either faith....or stupidity.

I will not be pain free -even after these surgeries are done.  My elbows, shoulders, cervical spine, lumbar and sacral spine, knees, fingers, wrists are all in very bad shape and hurt a lot.  But this surgery will return to me some lost freedom as life gets very  hard when walking just plain hurts and I can't even get a wheelchair around in my home.

Friends...please pray for me.  There are a lot of LARGE hurdles ahead of me and many waves in this ocean.  But I do not walk into it alone without provision.  amen.
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