Wonder- Hillsong United

Saturday, February 22, 2014

WWWhoa, Oh No. Vulnerable Me

My thoughts have been going all over like ping pong balls.I have just started following a blog written by a woman named "Amy"as she is on a journey to attain health (a good weight) and vulnerability on the way.  I copied something from her last blog...Here it is:

Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings.  Just as the core or mid section of your body stabilizes your upper and lower extremities, vulnerability is the center of the very being you are, like it or not.  How or if you choose to use it is entirely up to you.
To believe vulnerability is a weakness is to believe that feeling emotion is a weakness.
(http://leanwellness.org/2014/02/so-you-are-saying-vulnerability-is-a-good-thing-part-3-of-3-my-reality/)
 

Good stuff right?  It reminds me of some of the stuff I've ready by Tony Penia - the author of blog and book series on faith and a fit body, called "PrayFit" as he incorporates being physically fit with being in good shape spiritually as well.

Vulnerability has become one of the support posts of my "building"...it is integral to who I am.  I am often honest to a fault (as I was in my last post here when I let my hair down to the degree that I could have been hurtful to people as I expressed my opinions.)

I have posted some pics of myself on this blog which were quite hideous--from when I was in the throes of mental illness. Someone "kindly" wrote to me and "suggested" that I remove these pics as they felt I should be embarrassed by them and they truly did not reflect myself in a positive light.  So I "kindly" responded and said, "Hey, these pics are real.  And the current pic is real also...which means that I have come a long way in my journey and that is something  I am proud of....You want me to feel shame for the way my illness has been reflected in my appearance?, Well I will not.  I had no control back then of how I looked.  I praise God that he has enabled me to restore my appearance now....so basically :go take a hike" (well I was a little kinder than that...but not by much :)

You know, if you're read my blog for any length of time, that I am vulnerable to a fault. I wrote,rambling, paragraphs in inanity....born of insanity...and shortly thereafter was hospitalized. One of my best, most respected friends suggested I remove those prior posts....and once more I refused.  Yes. Vulnerable.  I put myself "out there" because I have a mental illness. It is real.  Just like it is real to hundreds of thousands of other people with this disease.  I wanted my readers to see that someone with schizophrenia can be far away from making sense...and just a week or four following a medication adjustment can be high functioning and write coherent articles on their past experience.

My weight?  Yes. I have lost 70 pounds and regained them.  Steroids have done me in....People look at someone who weighs as much as I do --with disdain. I can hear their thoughts. "Thank you Lord that I do not look like her."  "Don't you have ANY self control?"  And  I sometimes look in the mirror and want to slap myself too. But I know...I do NOT eat enough to weigh what I weigh. My body and the medications I take have destroyed my metabolism...and have tricked my brain into thinking I am constantly famished.

I want a T-shirt that says, "I'm fat and it's not my fault"  but that is really just avoiding the vulnerability that I need to walk down the street in my XXL clothes and meeting the eyes of those who try to avert their gaze when my eyes catch theirs and SMILING at them.  Vulnerability is needed when the nurse at one of my doctors' offices says "hop up on the scales" and  I smile wondering what would happen to the scale if I "Hopped" up on it!!

Vulnerability is me talking to you about all this stuff, knowing that I do not know all of  you...but I know SOME of you and what I say can and will be held against me.  :)
Vulnerability is coming to God's feet and prostrating myself there saying "God, I blew it.  Again." And then telling him that with his help, next time I will do better--but knowing that in my human weakness, I may NOT do better, but that even then....His gaze will not rest on me but on the wounded hands of his son, my Savior, and it will be OK.  Even then.
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