It is Well with my Soul BYU Vocal Point

Friday, December 20, 2013

Glaucoma and the Test of Faith

Christmas.
It's what is on most people's minds these days.

But what if God gave you something--not a present -- but something that draws your mind away from presents.  Celebrations all fade into the background when you are faced with something that knocks you flat.

For Christmas this year I was given : Glaucoma.

When I was a preteen I read a book about a young lady in college who was blind due to glaucoma.  In the book she got a seeing eye dog.  She also had to make a decision about having surgery....the surgery would either restore her sight or she would lose what little she had left.  I don't recall the outcome. 

These days we have laser surgeries.  I had the first of my laser surgeries yesterday.  With the laser the doctor burned some very small holes into my eye to drain some of the pressure that would have left me blind had he not intervened. Sounds great right?  It would be if it was a permanent fix.  However it's just to buy time.  Glaucoma does not have a cure.  It causes blindness.  I will likely be blind. I don't know how fast it happens.  I'm going to ask the doctor that today.

I'm really kind of in shock.   Even with all the diseases I have and have had, nothing has scared me as much as this.  I can deal with pain.  I can deal with a wheelchair....but to be blind?  That means I will be limited in using my computer.  It means no books.  No Kindle.  No chatting with friends.  No real freedom to go anywhere.  Is there a school where people can learn "blindness skills"?  How do you get a seeing eye dog and how blind do you have to be before you can get one?  Am I legally blind now?

More questions than answers.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  In all things give thanks.  I can thank God that I was not born blind ....that I had the gift of sight for these 51 years.  I can and DO thank God that the eyedrops I have to use are generic and therefore not expensive.  I thank God that he has entrusted me with suffering.  He is honing me like a knife.  For what purpose?  I sit here in my room, in my house, on a wooded mountain top---pretty isolated.   Why does God have me here? Why is he taking away my freedoms?  Why do I have darkness and pain? 

Lord, teach me what you want me to know.
Help me to trust you fully
Where ever I go....where ever these diseases take me...be with me.  Do not leave me EVER. 

Have you ever seen a horror movie....where the killer has broken into the house...and it's dark but the person he's after is blind and therefore the darkness is NOT dark to him...He or she was without a disadvantage...but the killer was blinded by the darkness.  God, make me like that.  Help me to get through my days being USED to trusting you. USED to being led by you.  USED to avoiding  things that could trip me up.  The darkness is as light to you.  Make it that way for me too.  Help me to rely on you totally.  Help me to avoid the stumbling blocks like self pity and anger.  Guide me around them.  Above all,...as my vision on this earth fades; may my vision of YOU grow ever brighter, ever more clear.  Help me to trust you to get me through this. I Love you Lord -- and I know you love me.
Thank you once again for trusting me enough to give me more to carry.  Make me strong...Make my faith unwavering.

Thank you my readers for going another mile with me.  The journey just keeps getting more and more interesting, doesn't it?
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