It is Well with my Soul BYU Vocal Point

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Diagnose Me...

I've been quiet online lately.  Have kept my mouth shut on FB...haven't posted a blog here or on my other blog site for a LONG time...and in general just haven't felt like talking to anyone and don't even feel like I have enough to say to even want to talk to myself.

Am I depressed?  I know that I've been suffering from very bad symptoms of the SZ....but aside from periods of insane anxiety about completely irrational topics....the psychosis has lessened.  But what is left? Are these negative symptoms?  Or is it depression?  I haven't wanted to talk to friends...and have been so blase when I have talked that I am sure they are grateful for my silence.  Nothing piques my interest.  Nothing attracts my attention. (and no, that isn't redundancy; it is Hebrew poetry )

My health (or lack of it) is a matter of complete disinterest to me.  I've canceled Doctor appointments and brushed off their attempts to get me to come in and attend to "important" health issues and I've failed to reschedule appointments that THEY have had to cancel due to "emergencies that came up"...Why?  Because i can just not be bothered to pursue  health that is elusive and unlikely.  I cannot be persuaded to chase after a life that I really don't want via tactics that seem to be altogether fruitless and pointlessly expensive.

So you tell me...Go on, diagnose me...(everyone else seems to love to do it): Am I depressed?  Disgusted by my life circumstance (ie: situational depression,)  Chemically depressed because of the newest PA meds I'm on?  Taking a plummet down Bipolar Disorder's "Rabbit Hole"?  Psychotic? 

My psychiatrist has tried several times to call me...however she always leaves the following message on my home phone's answering machine "Cynthia, please call or text my cell phone...I'm available from such and such a time...."
Now, I have not done as she asked.  Why?
It's not rocket science.  And my doctor is probably smart enough to DO rocket science should it interest her...

....REASON???
I don't have her cell phone number!!!!

And her office is only open two days a week for a few hours.   And they are exceptionally rude to me...So it's not like I can call them and harass them for a number they are not going to give me.

Now why my doc hasn't figured this out by now and just called my cell number (if she has it...which I'm sure she does, somewhere in that file..) or called my husband's cell...or just left her cell number on my answering machine... is beyond me.

So, other than one pharmaceutical change in my antipsychotic med...nothing has been done.  And  right now  I really really need to go and reacquaint myself with the shower.

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