It is Well with my Soul BYU Vocal Point

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The One I will Always Love

When a mother needs a daughter, it is not the best situation.
The mother is supposed to be the source of strength and comfort...
And if she is not that, then she has not done her task as a mom.

I just looked for a picture of my daughter and me to put on a card I'm making to give her when she flies into the sunrise tomorrow morning, early. There was NOT ONE of us together with the exception of one we took maybe five or six years ago. NOT ONE. And we do not have even one picture with all of our family members in it together in the past....well, close to ten years. How can this be?

Well, partly it is because we are a family who is not at home in front of a lens-- since we are not at home in our own skin. Partly it is because I'm always either in a hospital or looking horrible because I just WAS in a hospital and no one has really offered to take any pictures of me like that. Partly it is because we never ever do anything together as a family worthy of documentation....not even going out to a mall together. I am so sad about this now. Sad that she is leaving without any memories but dialing 911 and seeing me go off in an ambulance...as she sadly waves good bye out the back door. I have such a clear mental image of this last time when that occurred, she looked so forlorn and helpless. And alone.

Mental illness is a thief and a destroyer.
So is physical illness.
And when you have both...well. you probably have no business having a family.

She is beautiful. Strong.
And wounded.

She has been through more, at 18, than anyone in their 90's would have any right to be through and she is still trying, still struggling to make a way for herself through this life. And I'm afraid that, in order for her to do that, she really must do it apart from us. We will keep her trapped. We will keep her in a caretaker's position. We will keep her caught, stuck between the two of us and having mixed loyalties.

And it is hard to see her go.
Hard because I'm scared about what the world will do to her....I mean, look what WE'VE done to her--and we LOVE her....What will this cruel world do??
Hard because I desperately need her. Need her to help me in and out of the shower, to play nurse, to be a caretaker, to explain to me things that I've forgotten or which just don't make sense to me. Need her to give up her own life and help me to prolong mine.

And that is not right.
It is not fair.
It would be a horrible waste.

So because I love her...I am letting her go...and PRAYING that those whom she encounters will be kind. Will recognizer her worth, her beauty, her brilliant intelligence, her creative talent...and her extraordinary worth as a gifted individual...and will respect the fact that she is the beloved one of a mom at home who loves her.
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