Audrey Assad, Even unto Death

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

My Incredible Mind

 Well, things have slowed down a bit in lots of ways but on the other hand I feel like I have run a marathon...just trying to keep on top of what medical problems my husband and I are facing.  He , with heart disease, insulin dependent diabetes, Carpal Tunnel syndrome and a healing finger after being slammed in a door (don't ask...) Me with too many problems to even be written out...PsA and SZ (schizophrenia) and asthma...those three things are the devil and are the roots behind almost every thing that is wrong with me. This is especially true of PsA--it is such a complicated disease....it is linked to a plethora of other illnesses...For me those illnesses include glaucoma, peripheral neuropathy, a diseased spine and several other things.

Someone close to me is of the mind that I am somehow convincing my illnesses into reality.  That they are all "in your head"--this  even though my hands are twisted and deformed...and when my ortho surgeon look at xrays of my hips, he immediately recognized PsA. The same is true of my spine, ankles, and shoulders.  I appreciate that he thinks my mind is powerful enough to twist my body into knots

 ... but really.  No.
He sees me in pain...and I must ask, "who would be an idiot enough to give themselves a disease that robs them of every activity, hobby, freedom to drive a car, etc., and on top of all that gives them mind blowing pain"?  What kind of moron would do something like that? Not this moron.  Not yesterday, today, or tomorrow.

Friday, April 20, 2018

A Sorry Deception

God has been working on me, particularly in the area of honesty.  Do you know that " a lying tongue" will have no place in God's Kingdom?  (Rev. 21:8 and a number of other refs as well.)Well, that means that heaven is going to be very sparsely populated, doesn't it?  The good news is that God removes our sins from us as far as the east is from the west....buries them in the deepest ocean. (Ps 103:12)  What must one do to have their lies forgiven and buried? First of all you must be covered by the blood Jesus shed on your behalf...that means a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. And then comes Confession and Repentance.  These can both be difficult.  If you love your sin, then repentance is the tough one (it means "to change direction"). However if you hate and are embarrassed by your sin, then it is confession that you will struggle with.

Well I have a confession to make.  It is a very, very difficult one for me to admit to....but this morning as I was reading over the "Faith Notes" blog post (http:Faith Notes ) that is advertised in the post prior to this one...I read over the familiar words "Beginning in high school, I heard voices ..."  And God spoke to my heart and said "That is a lie."  I was stunned...but  as I thought it over, I realized that it was truly a prevarication that has been part of my medical record and my writings for years.  I was very sick mentally in high school. That is true.  But what is also true is that I do not clearly recall the first time I heard a voice speaking that was a hallucination.  As my illness progressed, so did the hallucinations.  And in that muddled up head of that young woman there is much that I do not recall.  But I have---for the sake of the story,--invented a scenario that did not truly exist.

I'm acutely embarrassed by this.  You know when you live a lie...you give life to a lie...you can really make it part of yourself....to such a degree that you do not recognize it as dishonesty.  I tried bargaining with God this morning. Like: "What if I just no longer use that lie?...just sweep it under the carpet..."  God said "No. You must confess it."   "NOW,, LORD??? When all these people are looking at my blog today? Friends, authors, people that have been supportive... Couldn't I write this confession, say, next week?"  And God said "If your right hand offends you, cut it off.  Better to enter heaven one handed than not at all."  Cutting off a hand has GOT to hurt!  Well sometimes, so does honesty.

Wow..I have to share this. I was just looking for the reference to a lying tongue not having a place in heaven....and I encountered this verse:

Proverbs 21:6  (NASB)

The acquisition of treasures by a lying tongue
Is a fleeting vapor, the pursuit of death.
For me this verse struck home, hard.  As you know Isa. 45:2,3 is speaking about Treasures hidden in darkness.  Treasures as a theme in my life has been huge...It has nothing to do with money or wealth...it has everything to do with my relationship to Yahweh.  
And if I am going to pursue treasure, I cannot also pursue a fallacy. 

So I confess to you.  I have embellished my story with detail that did not really happen.  The truth is that my early years are a jumbled mess of illness and I invented a story that sounded better than the reality.

I beg your forgiveness and understanding.  And I'll see you in the Kingdom!