Sidewalk Prophets: Prodigal

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

My Beauty Queen

I don't recall what was going on in my life half a month ago when I last wrote.  I got out of the hospital around then I think. Then I was struggling from some delirium --most likely from the steroids.  Now it looks like there is some kind of cardiac problem and to top it off, I now have shingles. So the "fun" never ends.

Today is Valentine's Day.  I totally forgot about it.  I don't watch TV or read a newspaper...and for some reason it never was mentioned online.  Therefore, no cards, no gifts..etc  ... I could go tomorrow and get some half priced candy. ..and grab a card before they are taken off the shelves. Is that so lame that it would be bad? Or is it at least making an effort to acknowledge the ones I love?

My dad took me to the doctor yesterday...and we went to Salvation Army and I got a few tops that don't end mid belly like the ones I have now do. I got two pair of pants... I keep thinking about that rude lady at rehab....who went out and bought me a baby blue sweat suit.  She gave it to me and then said "Here. THIS is how ladies our age dress!"  I was very much out of it due to anesthesia delirium and that probably contributed to my crazy clothing style.  The other thing is that I have a daughter who was then, right about the age I was when my emotional maturity paused because of the advent of mental illness.  I like dressing like my daughter.  I really like some of the clothing styles in the stores....(yeah...what about "Forever 21"?)

Well that was about 6 years ago or more.  Mom has died and I inherited all her clothes..much of it being stuff I would never wear. However, I have been wearing things I didn't think I would, because 1) It's what I have left of mom. 
And 2)  Maybe it IS time to re-define my personal style and grow it up  a bit.  Part of the necessity to do this is that I'm once again almost the heaviest I've been and overweight people wearing clothes with their belly hanging out is really quite unattractive. (talking about myself here).

I've been thinking about mom with a new respect.  She had RA and A Fib and Pulmonary Fibrosis and COPD. And EVERY DAY, no matter how sick she was, she put on makeup and fixed her hair.  And she ironed ALL of her clothes and my dad's clothes...even blue jeans. Even when she had to iron sitting down and share the work in shifts with my dad....she refused to back down.

My earliest memories of my mom were me as a kindergartner going out the door in my walk to school...with the smell of coffee and lipstick lingering to remind me of her.  It wasn't til later that I realized this....I left for school EARLY and mom had already put lipstick on!

Mom also worked to maintain her weight and not let it climb too high.  I'd always thought of my mom as a bit heavy...and compared to my 85-100lb weight, she was...but NOW I see that she was beautiful and her weight was perfect.

My mom had a schedule....every day of the week had it's own task (Thursday is STILL my dad's shopping day! Although he has eased up a bit..)  These routines are what held her together in times of stress and heartache. And --thanks to me--there was plenty of that.

In one of my last visits to mom...she wore no makeup.  And she said to me, "I guess it really doesn't matter if I wear it or not."  To me, that was a grave indication of her understanding that her time was short and energy shouldn't be wasted on things of little importance.

Goodbye mom....my Beauty Queen....my fashion model...my example...my encouragement.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

The Bit, Clip, and Bridle

Please forgive me for the long silence.  Last Tuesday I was admitted to the hospital for an asthma exacerbation.  I was in very bad shape...and it's been a long week.  I'm  sounding better now but still have a tight raw cough and sporadic periods of wheezing. 

My goal was to be released tomorrow.  The doctor decided to keep me on IV steroids for another day and to re-evaluate me tomorrow to see whether or not he could put me on oral meds and send me home.  I had my plan all worked out...even did my grocery shopping order at Walmart.com for a pickup tomorrow....and scheduled my housekeeping friend to come on Thursday.  And arranged for my dad to pick me up tomorrow.  

But now I'm seeing all the flies in my ointment.  MY plan was to be checked out by 11:00--when the truth is that the doctor won't likely have seen me by then or had adequate time to switch me to PO meds, let alone write discharge instructions.  I'm seeing my house of cards starting to tumble. I'm thinking it is looking more like a Thursday discharge..after I've been on oral meds for 24 hours.

God knows my body.  He knows I'm not where I want or need to be in order to pull off my plans.  I just went for a short walk with a PT...and was distressed to find that 20' down the hall I started to get dizzy....and even with resting for ten minutes ...my SAT % was still only 91%.  It is  a great concern to me to be this limited in respiratory status. It is bad enough to have weakness and pain and joint deformity. from RD. but to also not be able to breathe is not acceptable.  whoops.  Did I just tell God that His ways are not acceptable?  Scratch that Lord..  I can't see the way ahead of me.  You go before me. ...Keep me close pressed to your steps and the comforting guidance of your hand.  Show me the way...even if it is only the distance to  my next breath.

My daughter and her boyfriend both were down for the count with the flu.  God was gracious and brought them out of it....despite the lack of focus in my prayers.  I prayed with my heart.  With my love.  And God heard from Heaven and healed them. Now maybe he will heal me too.  Or maybe I need to be curbed like that bit and bridled horse or maybe my Lord just likes me to be kept close --just because he loves me.  Maybe he knows my tendency to run wild steered by self-will.  (MAYBE???)... maybe he has to clip my wings....Whatever the cause, God is the Author of my days. And I can trust that all his plans for me are for my good and for the purpose of helping me to know him better and better.