Unspoken: I Lift my Life Up

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Just BE

Today, Saturday, I sit in my room, desperately trying to think of something useful I could do.  I have a whole basement that is a mess and I had started on one of the tasks down there, but today am in too much pain to consider even going down the stairs, let alone do any work involving standing.

I had planned to sit out on the deck in my gravity recliner...which I still probably will do....but right now the sky is leaden and unappealing.  I charged up my Kindle Paperwhite so I can read out there.

I straightened my room and made my bed....got dressed...and now...WHAT?  Then a well known Christian pastor posted something on Facebook which said, "We are human BEings; not human DOings."  And that hit me.  It's ok sometimes to just be---but if you are used to bustling about and doing this and doing that....isn't it SO hard to just be?  We feel guilty and desperately try to create jobs for ourselves so we won't feel like we've "wasted the day."  This desire to do does not go away when disability strikes.  It simply becomes harder to bear.

So what is left to "do?"  I can, and have been, praying. I've read my Bible...Lord what's left?   The whisper, "Stay awhile. Sit here with Me."  This brings comfort, conviction, and concern.  The Lord of all the Universe wants me to sit with Him.  I have not done that much...and if I do I always end up writing about it or moving on to something else "more interesting."  REALY? what could be more interesting than getting to know God?  What will happen?  Will He heal me? Show me an answer to a dilemma?  Teach me some great truth?

"Be still--and know that I am God."
'Be still and know that I AM
Be still and know
Be still

I've seen a poster of this somewhere.  And it is all true. Every sentence of it.  God just wants us to know and to honor His Almighty Lordship over all Creation...and to BE in His presence; to draw nourishment from Him up through my roots all the way to the bud.  God is creating something beautiful of me....allow Him to!  Flowers don't work to drink in the rain.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Wrap Up

This will be short -- my hands are too painful to type for long.
Yesterday I got the results of my two biopsies and most have seen on FB, that I do not have breast cancer.  Praise God!

I apologize for making a big deal out of this whole process. I know a LOT of women have biopsies and maybe it isn't such a novel thing.  But it was frightening to think of what it could have been.  And today, I saw the huge number of people who replied to my Facebook post; some people whom I hadn't seen for years who, surprisingly, were following my journey and were praying for me. I was humbled and amazed by the love and support they expressed to me. I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for 1) your patience with me and 2) for your prayers and 3) for your love.

As I explained in my last post, my commitment to life on Earth is not all that strong, so my response, emotionally, to the results was mixed.  I have to just put it into God's hands and trust that He knows what is best in the long run and I rejoice to know that people were praying and God worked it out in the way He wanted in response to their prayers.

As a result of all of the stress, physical and emotional, in the past few weeks, not surprisingly, I have been sidelined today due to a bad flare up of the Psoriatic Arthritis which I suffer from. My joints are swollen and very painful and I have extreme fatigue.  Today all I can do is lay in bed which is aggravating and lonely.  My doctor has called in a prescription for steroids which should get me back on my feet in a  couple of days.

And the escalation of my blood pressure, it turns out,  was what was triggering severe daily headaches for a month or more. So my doctor has adjusted my medication and both the BP and the head pain are improving.

I promise not to belabor this whole dead horse again.  Upward and onward we go! 
God bless  you!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Does Death Look Better than Life?

Yesterday I had two breast biopsies ---my mind has been cogitating on this mystery for a while.  I alternate with sharing my husband's sentiment "there's nothing wrong with you" and the sometimes scary opinions of the medical professionals who have been caring for me. 

The visit to the surgeon was by far, the scariest.  I fully anticipated her telling me "go home, your films are fine." Instead she sat me down and cut to the chase, showing be about 30 films from the 3D mammogram and Ultrasound I had had done. She showed picture after picture and narrated by showing me item after item in the films that she found "worrisome" or "disturbing."  I left there with my 'cool' somewhat shaken. *understatement.*

Then yesterday, with the computer screen in full view I saw the invaders in my body.  Without doubt. With one of them I was able to guide them to the exact spot based solely on my pain. And to add to the drama, my blood pressure was 204/108.  The nurse thought they would cancel the procedure until a later date, but the doctor said, "No I don't want to do that."  Why he said that I don't want to speculate.

Before I left to go to the medical center, I checked my email and there in my daily Bible verse email was this verse:
"They (the godly) do not fear bad news. They confidently trust the Lord to take care of them. They are confident and fearless.
Psalm 112:7-8a. NLT   
Talk about "a word in time"!

Throughout these last two days I've been thinking a lot about this verse.  You see, (and maybe you won't see)...my future is not so bright. I have a chronic crippling disease attacking my body (RA/PsA) and well as other conditions. My husband's health is failing.  We owe way too much on our mortgage to be able to sell and the house is in great need of repair.  There are other serious financial stresses.  And each one of these situations causes me worry and fear.  But what does that verse say? "They do not fear bad news....they are fearless and confident." 

The bad news does not have to be that I have breast cancer.  It could be that I will live and get hit (possibly) by disaster after disaster.  And this verse says (my paraphrase) "Whether you are going to die or need a new septic tank....you will NOT FEAR because you have a God who loves you and will provide for you.

Here's another verse:
I have carried you since you were born. Yes,  I carried you before you were born.  I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you.  I will carry you always and I will save you 
Isaiah 46:3b-4NLT (italics mine...just because that was cool)

Isn't that the most awesome verse you have ever heard???  I do not need to fear life and all of its problems and disasters, nor do I have to fear death...because I have full confidence about the fact that I will spend Eternity with my Lord and fellow believers in God's Kingdom---never feeling pain, weakness, disability, need, hunger, homelessness EVER again.

I'll be honest, this is going to take more than a couple of days to digest.  I've spent most of my life hiding these fears...but they kept coming up over and over, making me anxious, fearful, and keeping me from fully participating in the life God has given me here on earth.  I've always wanted to skip the stuff in the middle of birth and death and go straight to my eternal destination.

I know that somehow I need to wrap my head around these verses and spend time in prayer asking God to make these promises real to me. BTW: because God has promised to care for me and carry me, does not mean that I will never have pain or need a new roof.  But he does promise to meet my needs and to shelter and guide me through the foibles of this life. And sometimes that simply means to give me the peace, implacability, stalwartness and inner reserves to face these things as they come.  I want to meditate on this some more before I go tomorrow to get the results of my biopsies.  Are you, too, as afraid of life as you are of death?  I hope these verses shine some light into your darkness.