What my Saturday Looks Like

Today is Saturday.  What's on tap?
1) I should really really work out.  That would include my recumbent bike and some strength training - preferably weights for arms and crunches for core.  There are many other core exercises available however many of them rely on putting weight on your shoulders (such as in the "Plank") and my shoulders are shot from my psoriatic arthritis....so those moves are out. (update: I worked out and burned over 330 calories Yay me!)
2) I need to take some bags of "stuff" to my church to donate them for an upcoming yard sale.  Because my  husband is balking and being completely unhelpful about that...I may have to call on the good graces of another friend.  Sometimes I wonder why I bothered getting married. (Update: got rid of aforementioned bags....House is already looking less cluttered)
3) The lens fell out of my glasses....so if my gracious driver friend is willing, I would also like to go to the glasses store to get the lens put back in. (Update: done!)
4)  Need to cook a healthy dinner today.  I'm not sure what.  Possibly sweet potato nachos and a salad. (Update...yes, that's what I'm making)
5)  Would like to go for a walk with my daughter but that will entirely depend on the degree to which she is recovered from bad cramps which have been plaguing her. (update: it's raining)
6)  I need to pick out an outfit to wear for my portrait which will be going into the church directory.  Why WHY couldn't they have waited until I lost at least another 40 pounds????? (I picked out an outfit and it fits me a lot better now than it did a few weeks ago so stop complaining!)

I also lost my keys.  I don't know where (obviously....if I did, they wouldn't be lost)
I also bought a package of coconut icepops at the store....and ate the entire package myself.  Oh YES I DID!!  Not feeling proud of that at the moment....but AM feeling once again eager to get with the program . Due to marital discord and family issues I had a terrible self destructive urge to eat something evil.....I did but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.  And now it's out of my system and I'm ready to be good and to lose some more weight.  Not to justify myself because what I did was at the least, ill advised.....but it did get the devil off of my shoulder.  Now it's time to get back onto the wagon and be serious once again.

Because....

Because...

5-1-7-13

Cynthia Lott Vogel

Because of your cross Lord,

You have ears tuned to my cries

Because you hung bleeding

You can heal me.

Because you faced jeers

You will defend me.

Because your robes were stripped

You will clothe me in glory and righteousness.

Because you were bruised

You care for my jolts and hurts.

Because you were mocked

You will reign as King--with me at your side.

Because God turned his back on you

He faces me with arms extended in welcome.

Lord I will never fully comprehend

The good you did for me on your cross.

Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.

Lessons to Live By

Today we had a 5:00 PM appointment at our vet to follow up for our kitty's surgery.  We did that.  Then there was some concern raised because there was sugar in her urine....so possible diabetes.  Anyway, that appointment took like forever.  We didn't get out of there until 6:30 so my husband took pity on me and told me to order a pizza so I wouldn't have to come home and cook at that (for me) ungodly hour. (I know there are those of you who work and never get home before 7:00---you have my prayers and admiration).

So, if you've been reading here you know I've been following Dr Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live diet and have thus far lost 15 pounds.  I debated over eating the pizza.  I really did.  I decided I would "taste it"....I did.  I took several bites and found it to be disgusting.  It was salty as licking a salt rock and it was greasy.  UGH.  So I abandoned slice and got a bowl of strawberries and a hand full of walnuts instead.  MUCH better!!  The pizza served the selfish purpose of feeding my family and excusing me from cooking....but I really hurt my family by doing that because look how they ate!!!  My husband is still flirting with chest pain.  And I feed him PIZZA????  Guilty as charged.  OK. I'm feeling appropriately shamed now.

Lesson ? Try not to schedule appointments at dinner time.
Lesson #2?  If you ARE out, make a salad before you leave so you at least can serve that when you get home.
Lesson #3? Do not even TASTE pizza again because it is not tolerable.
Lesson #4? Stay away from DH because he is NOT happy.

Daily Steps

Well, there is nothing much going on in my life except for my eating plan and weight loss efforts....and the fact that my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and is now living back at home.  While it is nice for me to have her here, my heart is breaking that she is so sad.  I wish I could give her some hope that the future can be better than her past life has been.  I so much know what it is like to allow your mind to think about anything but the future. The future has always looked bleak to me and I know that it does too for my daughter.  She is in  a place of evaluating her life and is not liking what she sees.  Which is sad.

What I see when I look at her is a beautiful girl who has had some incredible and overwhelming struggles to face.  She comes from two mentally ill parents and has unfortunately, inherited some challenges.  Then some other even worse challenges were thrust upon her.  She has overcome major trauma.  She put us through some hell when she was in high school....running away twice and then dropping out of school.  But miraculously, she graduated and has a diploma.  She struggled with a brief period of addiction....and then met her boyfriend who helped her get beyond all of that.

She sees a failure in the mirror.  I see a survivor.  a perseverer. (I guess that is not a word).  A person who has refused to quit when almost anyone else would have.  And now she is back on her own looking at a future that still holds challenges.  She needs transportation.  She needs a job...or to go to school or something.....but those things will come.  Right now she needs to heal.  And to learn how to smile again.

We have been going for walks every day.  But today it is raining. ...so no walks.  We are both working on losing some weight and getting healthy.  I've been cooking nutritious vegan food and it usually tastes pretty good if I do say so.....not counting last night's meal which was an unmitigated failure....hence DH and daughter ordered out pizza which I refrained from and was rewarded this morning by a two pound loss.

So the family has taken its share of punches.  But we are still together.  We still love each other and we will persevere.  Whether or not the future is bright remains to be seen.  I think we have also been bitten by the pessimism that seems to grip our country right now....but God is still on his throne.  And he still wants good things for his kids.....and their kids.  So one day at a time...we tread on.

As God's Kids.....

Two thoughts struck me lately and they both have implications about the faithfulness of God.  The first was in a book called "Unlocking the Heart of the Artist" by Matt Tommey. He talked about how our provision is guaranteed because we are God's kids.  Now I do know some Christians are poor....but if they trust their God, I know he sustains them.  Matt talked about how if we take risks and invest the raw materials God has given us (the "talents" or "minas" as in the parable), then God will be faithful to bless and increase our wealth.  I am NOT promoting a "name and and claim it" prosperity gospel here.  Nor am I stating that we have to work to earn God's favor. I am just stating that as God's kids we have some rights.  And these rights are not based on what we do to earn them....the only thing God expects of us is to live in faith and to utilize that which he's given us.  The rest is ours because we are his kids.

The second thought  I had came last night at my Bible  Study. We were studying the account of David and Goliath....and I was so struck by David's absolute confidence in the Lord's plan and ability to defend the holiness of his own name.  He was so confident of that, that he laid  his life right on the line and expected that God would back him up.  He went out there and told that trash-talking giant that "The whole land would know that there is a God in Israel who can kick the pants off of any god or any army that dares oppose him"  And then David cashed in all the hours he'd spent practicing with his sling and hurled that stone and the giant fell face first  to the ground.

Now David had had to prepare....he had to get good with the sling.  He had to be faithful with the little bit assigned to him and he took care of those sheep to the best of his ability.  And then came the moment when God let him cash in all that preparation and gave him a resounding victory....which victory David did not claim as his own but rather called it "The Lord's Victory."  So what struck me about this story?  And what did it have in common with Matt Tommey's book?

1) Because we are children of the King we can expect God to meet our needs and to fight our battles.
2) We must be faithful to invest in the areas he's put under our control but when we do
3) God will bountifully reward our faithfulness.

What does that have to do with me? ... A disabled woman who hardly has any money to her name and who cannot work for a living?  Well, I am to be faithful in the tasks he's given me to do.  I am to fully invest myself in that which I have the strength to manage and I do not have to fret about having our needs met.  God will meet them.  He will take care of us....because I am his kid.

Living Out There

Today I looked around at the remnants of myself that are left online. Comments in forums, this blog, Google or Facebook conversations....and I suddenly wished I could take it all back.  Erase it and be anonymous and private once again.  I thought of the people from my past who might be looking me up and what they might find.  There is very little about me that is private.  And if my book gets published....then all semblance of privacy will be gone.  Do I want that?  Do I want to be exposed to that degree?  I mean it's bad enough the way it is...but then it will be so much worse. I will be completely exposed and laid bare.

People who live in the public eye...People who write their memoirs: how do they stand it?  Does everyone who knows things about me take away those pieces of myself until there is nothing left of me?  Do they then own me?

I don't know the answers to these questions.  When people read a memoir, they are reading a story.  The characters, even though they may be real, are just people in a book.  But if someone who has crossed paths with me reads the book, then they take away something different.  My words will intersect with their memories and that is a different thing altogether.

I have to carefully consider what I want to do here.  Because yes, this blog pretty much puts it all "out there" but to lay open my past, to reveal all that pain and that mess--I need to be sure about that before I do it.  Right now, I am having my doubts.