Bring the Rain, By: Mercy Me

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The Prayers I Really Need

Tonight I went to prayer meeting   (Called "ReFuel"_) by the kindness of the man who offered to drive me. I had a busy day: MD appointment in NY, out for late lunch / early dinner with a friend, and then Refuel.  I considered canceling.  I was hurting and so tired I could barely put one foot after the other.  But I went and it was a wonderful and amazing time where we were swimming in the depths of prayer and worship.

Then the man who drove me, an elder in my church, stood and prayed a heart-felt, faith-filled prayer for my healing. I stayed open to that....although I must have been in this situation for 500 times.  I flexed my curled up hands.  Pain. I straightened my back. Pain.  I tilted my head. Pain.  and when I stood on my ankles and feet? yep. Pain.  Yes, I was disappointed...but not really surprised.  There comes a time when you just know in your spirit, that it is not in God's plan to heal me.  

After the meeting was over I asked the Pastor to pray for me on Friday as I'm going for a hip aspiration..where they will insert a needle into my hip and draw out the fluid there surrounding that artificial joint, which might be fluid from an infection. And believe me, that would be an unparalleled disaster.  So Pastor prayed that the fluid would disappear by Friday and when they turn that fluoroscope on they would find no fluid.  I am believing that this will happen just as Pastor prayed. NOT because it is a smaller miracle and it's easier to believe in God's ability to heal...but because God has not indicated to me that this is outside his will for me...

As I have stated in the past, it takes more faith for me to get through a day than it would to receive healing through prayer.  It demands more of my character, and a NEED for Jesus to keep depression at bay.  It demands faith to be able to pay my medical bills.  And it takes a great belief in the goodness of God --even when all seems to indicate the contrary. And it takes faith to be certain (as I am) that this illness/disability is NOT permanent.  I have a brand new body coming...SOON...and  illness will not touch it anymore. Pain will come to an end the moment I step into the Kingdom.

So no. I was not healed tonight.  And that is okay because I need MORE of Jesus and More of the Holy Spirit and more of the Father, himself. More faith.  More perseverance. More of the depths of God.  And he has been faithful in giving me these things.

And now that I no longer can take pain medications --it's a new challenge. One that I really do not want and do not always succeed at overcoming. I need your prayers.

You can pray to God to heal me...but I truly covet your prayers for endurance. For Faithfulness.  For the discipline of having time dedicated to God....for my prayer life.  Pray for my family who has to deal with a wife/mother/daughter who is sick all the time.

Thank you for hearing me on this.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Where Feet May Fail

Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
 I have loved this song since I first  heard it.  It reached me in the "depths" of my spirit.  I've been in the deep waters numerous times in my life: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I've been in  hard, challenging times in every one of those oceans too deep for my feet to touch bottom.  And it was only by the assistance and grace of the Savior that I have survived to tell you about it.
And here I am again.  This time it's oceans of pain that are burying me in their depths.  And I don't know how I will live through it.  I can no longer take pain meds (see earlier posts).   I cannot even take a bath infused with herbs and Epsom salts like I used to. (I cannot get up from the bath tub back to standing.) "No Father, It's just you and me this time"

"Spirit lead me to where my spirit has no borders"--What are the borders that are keeping me trapped, albeit "safe?"  I am not truly safe within those is the illusion of's like being in 15 feet of water but thinking that because land is still in sight, you think that you can manage.  You think that help is easily accessible.  But you find you lack the air to shout---and even if you could muster a one is within earshot.  
So. truly, your help in the depths is the Spirit of the Father who loves you.  The one who will bear you up on his shoulders.  The one who bids you walk to him on the tops of the waves....but you MUST keep you face fixed on his.  Eye to eye.  The slightest diversion or the slightest sense of self sufficiency ("I've got this"), will lead you to sink like you are wearing cement shoes.

And really, as this song portrays, I should be eagerly accepting this new challenge...welcoming new spiritual growth and strength, eager for a new intimacy and experience with Y'shua.  And I am...I'm like I once was, in line to go on the roller coaster, "Space Mountain" in California's Disney World. Sign after sign warned, "do not go on this ride if you have any heart conditions"--real confidence instiller.  I waited in fear but also excitement.  And when I found out that the ride took place in darkness, lit only by colored lights that zoomed about without lighting our way, I was terrified but it was too late to back out....We were carried by gravity, kept pinned to the seat by inertia and it was terrifying.....and the most brave and exciting thing I had ever done up until that point. 

Our lives become like that ride as we wade through ever deepening waters.  And those waves can either bury us or they can be the promise of a great surf board ride.  But it is a thing to be eagerly sought, not feared. Our faith will grow and so will our knowledge and experience of our God.

That's where I'm at now. I'm facing daily challenges to my endurance; to my very survival. Pain tosses me about on it's waves like a beach ball being bounced about by the tides being drawn out even deeper.  No control as to my destiny.  But He comes, stepping over the waves like they are ripples in a puddle.  He reaches out a hand and I strain to reach it.   It seems like it's miles away.  He smiles and says, "I've got you in my sights.  You are safe...keep walking those waves and reach for my hand."

Only, in the real-life, non-metaphorical sense, it is not that simple.  Pain grinds me up and spits me out.  It's a battle to pray.  It's a battle to think and to speak as though I have some semblance of control. Laughter sounds (to my ears) like it is verging on hysteria.

"Oh Spirit of the Living God, save me! infuse me with courage.  Let me know I do not fight this battle alone.  Help me to have the feet of a hart (deer) that can bound about on the heights.  Help me to have the courage of Peter...or rather the faith he had in his friend, Jesus, as he climbed over the edge of the boat and fixed his eyes on Jesus...and walked on water. Keep me from his not let the wind and waves frighten or discourage me. My hope is in you life is in you. I cannot do this by myself."