Sunny-Side Up

I wrote a different blog post this morning based on some bad news at the eye doctor yesterday.  I immediately looked at the worst case scenario and wrote some posts on FB and here bemoaning what I was sure was going to be my Fate.  Then ---I get two Bible verses in my email every day--and I looked at today's verse and this is

what it said : "This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all." 1 John 1:5.  Not only was I bemoaning the possibility of going blind, I was taking the most negative approach possible....two kinds of darkness.

What do  you bring into tough situations that you face?  I confess that I often have a negative outlook.  Darkness.  Bringing darkness into my friendships and family relationships.  But in God there is no darkness at all.  Not only is he able to take care of my vision and prevent that darkness but he was revealing to me the darkness in my soul.  And that kind of darkness is contagious. It also is not the best way to "win friends and influence people."

So Lord, I confess this sinful tendency of mine. I ask that you would flood my heart with Light.  Help me to spread that light.  Make it my home page.  If  you got the first email I wrote today, I apologize...I deleted that blog because I wanted to erase all the evidence of a darkened heart.

Yes there do come cloudy days.  But when they come do we recall that the sun will come out again?  I want to change my heart in this regard.  I don't want to be a fluff ball (my own description) --someone who refuses to acknowledge any darkness at all --because life IS hard. And there may be people who need some understanding and compassion...which is different than a denial of their pain.

Thank you Lord for taking the blindfold off of me today.  There is no reason to live in blindness , until you really ARE blind and hopefully even then you will recall that God does not spread around darkness in our hearts.  The darkness in my  vision need not make darkness in my soul.

Are you going through some tough times?  Ask God to shine a little light in your circumstances and attitude.  It really does do wonders.

What's on this Bat's Radar?

I went to my ophthalmologist yesterday.  About a year ago I was diagnosed with glaucoma.  I wondered if maybe he made a mistake.  I felt fine. I mean I've suffered with double vision for a while now and without my glasses I'm blind as  a bat (but I still go without them around the house).  But when I finally decided (a year later) to follow my optometrist's  insistence that I go to an eye specialist, the doctor examined me and finally told me, "your eye pressures are so high that I cannot let you leave the office.  We have to do laser surgery today."  So that day he cut  channels with a laser into my eyes to relieve the pressure.  But he assured me that he thought my vision could be saved....at least for quite a while.

So I have notice more and more that I'm getting tunnel vision...and went yesterday for another field vision exam.  I saw the pictures that were the result.  It was clear that my vision is reduced to a small area in the center of my eye.  The doctor told me that my center vision was pretty good and he thought if I continue taking the drops and we keep the  eye pressure down, my central vision could be saved...for a while. 

I thought of the conversation I had with one of the bus drivers who took me to a doctor's appointment this past week.  He said "I've had glaucoma for 50 years.  I take my drops and get examined every couple of years and I'm fine."  So I've done that...taken my eye drops and followed up with the doctor.   Why am I NOT fine?

I don't want to be blind.  I mean no one wants to be blind.  But I find the idea terrifying.  I love to read....REALLY love it.  And  I'm an artist.  I can't go blind!!  And anyway.  I might also end up in a wheelchair.   Sounds like nursing home material to me...only. Yeah. we can't afford a nursing home.  I don't know what the options are.  But from where I'm sitting,  I don't see a whole lot of them.

I know there are schools for the blind where they teach you how to get around and read braille. Are these only for young people?  And does insurance pay for that?  Can I learn to read Braille with peripheral neuropathy and numbness in my hands? "O Lord. Please bring me home to your Kingdom before all of this transpires."  I know maybe that is escapist and cowardly....but I just feel like my cup of suffering is full: there just isn't any room for more.

This is partly why I have been working so hard at memorizing Scripture.  Bible memorization has always been important to me even as a child.  At least, if I am to be sitting in darkness,  I will be able to meditate on the Scripture I know.  Of course my short term memory is severely damaged by ECT...I've been trying to repair it by memorizing.  I feel the urgent need to learn as much as possible....but it's so hard when my mind won't hold anything for longer than a couple of minutes.

Lord, my life, my eyes, my body...all  my joints and organs are all in your hands to do with as you plan...help me to have a yielding, accepting spirit.  You made my eyes. You granted me sight for 52 years (and I thank you for that) and now it is yours to take if that is your will for me. I know that when you take something, you always give blessing back to us, pressed down, shaken together.  Help me not to allow bitterness to  take root in my spirit. I do ask for healing God.  That is not beyond you.  Regardless of the path you take me on, I love you and will continue to love  you.  I willfully yield my body and spirit to you to do as you wish, trusting that that will only mean blessing for me.Thank you for the promise of heaven and a restored /brand new body!  I can't wait but help me while I wait to bring honor to you by the way I use this body in the here and now.  Amen

An Important Letter

I got a letter today which I want to share with you.  If you are or know anyone who is a worker in the mental health field. ...Please get this letter to them and consider then purchasing my book, Treasures from Darkness, available on Amazon, Barnes and Nobel and Christian Book Distributors (CBD).

The letter is from my aunt who used to be a psych nurse for part of her employment.

Dear Cindy,
You just called me so I am starting this letter over.  It was good to hear your voice.  ... I was very impressed with your writing skill.  It isn't every writer who can use the right words to make the reader actually feel the meaning of the writing.  And I did feel it.  I actually had to read it in short periods to avoid being overcome by sadness.  Sad that anyone has to go through a lifetime of illness, let alone someone you love.

Not having experienced anything like this, I 've not been as understanding of what my patients were going through. As in the letter,  I wish I could have read this when I had psych patients.  You made me feel the fear and confusion they were expressing in their behavior.  I guess I interpreted this as aggression or "acting out."  I hope a lot of today's medical staff, currrently caring for psych patients, find your book and learn from it.

This must have been a very hard book to write.  No wonder it took 4 years!  I don't think I would be that brave to expose myself in four lifetimes! You are commended for being that courageous.  Dredging up the past is very hard for anyone, like reliving the events a second time.  It just shows how strong you really are to endure.  And to think you've kept your faith throughout is really remarkable.

Now that I know what you were dealing with.....I'll never forget the encouragement you sent me. Thank you!!

Take care and stay strong. You are much loved,
Love,
Aunt Donna.