This Just May Be Pt. 3....

If you've been reading the past two posts, you'll know that I am talking about the theme of a lack of fear and a trust great enough that allows us to abandon our cares and worries into the hands of the Father for him to deal with for us....so that we can live in peace and without stressing about ANYTHING, whether it be where our next meal is coming from or an important exam, or the degree of our sanctification.

So today I opened my devotional (Jesus Calling by SArah Young) and found, lo and behold, she's talking about the same thing. (for those of you who don't know, Jesus Calling is spoken as though Jesus were speaking to you, the reader. I highly recommend this book...it is soundly Scriptural so she never goes out on her own limb...and it is INCREDIBLE how often God gives me exactly the word I need for my day in the morning's reading.) So as I read it, I realized that God isn' t done with me yet on this topic....

So let's talk about it...and see where it goes.

She talks about Jesus being the center of our entire being...so that everything we do, say, or every choice we make is rooted in him....and says that when that is the case and we have our eyes FOCUSED on him, that worry and fear will find no place to land in our heart...though they may be swirling around us seeking a foothold, we will live in undisturbed peace.

So in this devotion today, Ms Young talks about being centered, having focus, being alert and vigilant, and guarding our hearts with Gratitude. At first that last item puzzled me...but then I thought, this is exactly what I was saying in my last post. If we look at all that God has given us and has already done, there is no place for discontentment or fear. We can only continually rejoice at his goodness and we can hold out our hands knowing that he will fill them with more of his goodness...and when the road gets dark, He will HOLD those hands. Remember the verse, " I am the Lord thy God, I will strengthen thee and uphold thee by my mighty right hand)? And there are numerous other references of God walking with us holding us by our hand. This hand-holding not only provides comfort, but SAFETY. Ever see a dad walking with his two year old child...holding hands? The child stumbles...and the father, lifts him right up in the air, feet dangling, so that he doesn't fall and hurt himself. This is how God walks with us.

He also walks with us in the quiet of our heart ("in the cool of the evening") holding hands like the Lover he is to us. We can tell him anything. We can know deep peace and security. We can wonder at his beauty.

The verses, Sarah shares at the end of today's devotion are especially meaningful to me. I will share them with you:

1 John. 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

My daughter has been in many bad relationships...ones that have scarred her soul and left her fearful of others. As her mom it breaks my heart to see this...Just as it breaks the FAther-heart of God to see us, his children getting hurt because we took our eyes off of him, or perhaps do not even know him...

She is with a young man now who has been kind and gentle with her...not using her or expecting anything from her. He seems to have made it his mission to be her friend and to allow her to heal from her wounds. My daughter is constantly amazed by this and told me that he keeps telling her "THIS is how a relationship...a normal loving relationship should be." "And the amazement of that is delighting to her...and yet still a bit fearful When will it end? When will he turn around and claw her heart out???

That's how we as humans are. We've been wounded and kicked down so often that it is almost impossible for us to believe in a relationship filled with peace, comfort and good things. So when God offers it to us, we say, 'Yeah, so where's the hitch?? When do you toss a thunderbolt and blow us to smithereens??" And we live suspicious, fearful, worrisome lives. Rather than a life of delight in our perfect Lover...and happiness and gratitude at the gifts he's given us. This breaks God's heart. Worry and fear are not to have a place in us...EVER. We are even told that we will be able to walk on hot coals and be bitten by dangerous snakes and be unharmed. That doesn' t mean to go out and try that. It means that should those things come our way...God will protect us and regardless of the way he chooses to do that , we need NEVER FEAR. Yes, poisonous snake and hot coal walking are painful hardships....but even in their presence, we are held in the arms of the Everlasting One and do not need to fear. Ever.


2 Thes. 3 : 16
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.

It IS Necessarily So!

This is Part Two of a series of Two Articles about Trusting God and the role of difficulty in our lives....How does God use our pain and our struggles? And what must be our response to them? If you have not already done so, please scroll down to the post preceding this one and read it first. Thanks.

In Oswald Chamber's devotional for June 1st, there is a quote which says, that "The degree of hopelessness I have for others comes from never realizing that God had done anything for me. Is my own personal experience such a wonderful realization of God's power and might that I can never have a sense of hopelessness for anyone else I see?" And in the same article he mentions the dry bones of which God asked Ezekiel, "Son of man, can these bones live?" and Ezekiel's answer was not, "NO WAY, man! You've got to be kidding me!" It was simply, "Only you know, Lord."

I'd actually read this passage yesterday by mistake (I NEVER know what day it is!) so I've been thinking about it for two days now. And the stories I relayed to you in yesterday's post, are ALL TIED in here...so please hang on for the ride while I try to verbalize what God is showing me. As you may have picked up (if you are a spiritual sort who is not misled by verbiage); I have been struggling a bit lately. Yesterday, my husband told me that I'm (and I quote) "The nastiest, meanest bitch that ever lived" (Jezebel, look out, your record is under attack!)

No, seriously, those words hurt. And they made me think. And I realized that I've seriously lost my joy. I mean I can still be funny and laugh....but in my house...in private....I'm a pretty glum Gus. And this is caused by and results in the fact that I'm struggling spiritually. Now that may come as a surprise after reading of my victory in yesterday's post. But you know what?? The glow of victory usually doesn't last longer than the day in which you win them. Now it's true that in that case, I learned a valuable lesson....and I THANK GOD for teaching it to me so profoundly....because if I had to be in my life right now without that calm trust...I would be an awful mess. Even worse than I am.

But after one race is won, there comes another, harder one. After you reach the top of a long climb, there comes a valley and an even higher mountain to struggle up. And part of the struggle I'm having now, is doubting my fitness to be called a child of God. I am really seriously feeling unworthy of that title...and maybe, as my husband pointed out: rightfully so.

The reason this has been such an issue with me is that I've stared Death in the face now, for close to a decade...and every brush with it...brings it closer and closer. Now I do not fear death. I know where I'm going. But I often think...what awaits me there? Will I hear that "Well done, good and faithful servant...enter into your reward"??? Honestly, I haven't done all that much for God....not really. Not in the sense that I see others serving anyway. But I thank God that his grace doesn't rely on what I can do for Him, but in what He has done for me! But still these niggling fears and doubts. Is my life ready, should He beckon me to his Kingdom at any moment? Is my character “complete” - at least as far as it needs to be here on earth? Have I accomplished the work here that he set out for me to do??Can I be the person God wants me to be so that he can heap delight on my head and show me the beauty of his approving smile?

I And I hear God ask, "Cynthia, can these dry bones live?" And I know that these self-deprecating thoughts are both truth based and are attempts of the enemy to get me lost in unworthiness which can only lead to distance between my God and I. So all day yesterday and today, I've found myself whispering "Only you know, Lord. Only You know."

Here s a new area of trust for me. Trusting that I am fully accepted in Jesus. Trusting that I'm a dearly beloved daughter....And trusting for HIM to, not only take care of my present life....but to take care of my Eternity also. I have to trust him to love me, despite the sin that so easily entangles me... And here's a thought I recently heard that blew me away: That it is GOD who accomplishes the work of sanctification in my life and I need to TRUST him to do that. Maybe I am picking up a load that was not mine to carry??

In yesterday's devotion by Chambers, he quoted the verse later in that same “dry bones” passage: Ezekiel 37:12, “Behold,O my people, I will open your graves.” And all my soul resounded with a “YES! This is what God has been doing in me! He is raising the bar. Showing me the depths of the corruption of sin in me. Whether or not I am being “more sinful” at this stage in my life, is almost irrelevant. What I'm learning is that it is NOT IN MY POWER TO “FIX” MYSELF.” I need help. I need the Ruach who blew his life into those dry bones....to blow some life into mine. To blow away the dusting of sin on my bones....And I know that this work has already been accomplished at the cross of the Christ. And that he is just holding back and waiting for me to STOP writhing around in my muck and to stop trying to free myself in the quicksand o f sin by struggling....because as you know, struggling often only makes it worse. What is needed is for me to rest in his strong arms to pull me out.

Hardship and pain?? Yes, my life has been soaked in them. I read an interesting thing in Sarah Young's devotional, Jesus Calling (also in the June 1 entry)

“...expect to find trouble in this day. At the same time, trust that “My way is perfect, Even in the mess of such messy imperfection.

“ Stay conscious of Me as you go through this day....Let the Holy Spirit guide you step by step, protecting you from unnecessary trials, and equipping you to get through whatever must be endured.”

(italics mine)

I was so struck by that last thought. That there are Unnecessary trials and there are Necessary ones. Some trials, like the false career educational paths and their abrupt terminations in my husband's life: they were Necessary ones...because through them, God was not only planning to bless E . with the knowledge he gained from them that would aid his career now; but He was planning to use that WHOLE scenario to teach me a valuable lesson about Himself. So the “necessary” can be defined by both concrete, practical use (or need) or by a spiritual necessity.

What are unnecessary trials?? They are the ones we cause ourselves by our own sinful responses to the necessary ones, I think. They are the drugs we reach for to obliterate our pain rather than going to Jesus with it. They are the nasty attitudes we develop out of the sense of entitlement we feel we have to be obnoxious just because we are in pain (pain of any kind). And these can - and should - be avoided. And, might I add, that it is against the Unnecessary ones that we should be praying both in our lives and in the lives of others. To pray against the necessary trials is to oppose the working of God in the lives of ourselves or others!! This is where we need spiritual discernment to determine what the will of God is in that person's life. This is what it means to pray “in Jesus' Name!” Is this a prayer that Jesus can sign his name to as a witness? As a partner? As a co-pray-er??

So many people have told me that my pain and my illness and suffering are “unnecessary.” And that God “doesn't want them for me.” And I have to raise my voice and object. Firstly, it is up to GOD to determine what is or is not useful and needed in the life of a person. And secondly who are we to infer that we know and understand the mind of God in the life of someone else?

I know personally that this pain has served to do several things in me. It has brought me down to the Valley of the Dry Bones. It has pointed out to me every sin and weakness of character that exists in my life. Through it God has been opening my grave....and showing me that “in me, no good thing lies...” It has brought out the grumpy grouchy and yes, profane Cynthia and exposed her for what she really is at soul level.

It has also awakened a desire for Heaven in me that roars at fever pitch. It has brought me to my knees....and to the lap of Y'shua. And now, it is showing me my complete inability to “FIX myself.” and pointed out my need to trust Jesus to hone and buff me to a sheen. It has taught me to rely on him fully to get me through long hours of suffering.

Will He blow life into these dry bones??

Only you know, O God....but I have a pretty good idea that you will.

Be Still and Go.....

Part One of a two part Series: Please read this part first!
NO DESSERT BEFORE YOUR DINNER!

I know the title seems to be a bit of a paradox....and to those of you who know the Bible verse, "Be Still and Know that I am God;" you will see that it is also a bit of a play on words.

I want to talk a little about the paradoxical end of things. Actually I'm having a ton of things going through my head very quickly at the moment...making connections --and then forgetting them as quickly as I've made them.--and the result is a morass of writhing confusion. What should have been a moment of enlightenment, has instead been an exercise in frustration.

Let me see if I can back up and untangle myself.

My friend, Narky, (http://ifnarky.com) recently took a huge exam - a major milestone in the process of getting her MA in a difficult foreign language. For weeks---no! ---for months, she anguished, feared, panicked and eventually was in a state of hysterical fear. I've been talking with her via email....and eventually God did a beautiful thing in her life...bringing her to a new understanding of "ABANDONMENT" and TRUST in regard to a life spent with Christ. (for the story read this post and the ones right around it. : http://ifnarky.com/2011/05/23/abandon/ )

She learned that God loves her; is in full control over everything that happens to her; and EVEN if He allowed her to bomb this exam and even to not be able to pursue the line of work that she's been dreaming about for years...to trust that if that happened, then he had a good reason for it...and would do something even better in her life. Big lesson. Scary thing to do...to just let yourself let go of your dreams and put them into the hands of God and then fall yourself into those hands to allow him to carry you WHERE EVER it is that he desires to take you.

I know--Because I had to learn that myself.
At a time in my life when things were good. I was stable, in a nice condo. My marriage was in fairly good shape...and we had a healthy family and daughter.....I used to go to bed at night and literally get so panicked at the thought of the "what if's"...."What if the economy goes bust and Eric is unemployed??? We don't have a dime saved! What then?? What will happen if one of us should lose our health and have massive medical bills?? What then??? What if my schizophrenia makes a recurrence after these years of stability??? What will I do?? What if we lose our house?? our car?? OUR DAUGHTER???"

I probably don't have to continue because I'm sure that all these thoughts have occurred to you too at sometime...and whether or not you are conscious of the power of that fear....some part of you is...Your stomach?? Your anxiety?? panic attacks?? Fights with your spouse?? Too much drinking??? We all , I believe come to a point of crisis like this. And I struggled with mine, much like Narky. Because I was a Christian and told myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way...that I should just TRUST....I heaped a pile of guilt on top of the fear. It was a horrible time in my life....and i didn't have a soul to go to with it , but to God.

I cried, pleaded, confessed my fear and begged him to take it from me. I collected every tract and book on Anxiety and fear that I could find. I memorized verses like this one, "I am the Lord the God of Israel who says to you, DO NOT FEAR for I will take you by your right hand and help you." And little by little I began to grow into the understanding that I serve a very BIG, POWERFUL, and LOVING God. And that if he wanted to send a bird down from the sky with a steak in it's beak should I be hungry...well, he certainly would.(ummm. seems he 's already pulled that one off before for a starving prophet. )

And what finally sealed my peace is this. God began to do things for me. Some were little, others larger. And I began to write them and every other answer to prayer that i could think of into a book. Every time God bailed me out of trouble,...I wrote it down...and thought long and hard. I began to see that God is a supernatural being...unworried and unencumbered by the things that terrify us. And that He loves me personally. Me , Cynthia...this mess of doubt and fear... And the verse in Jeremiah 29 did me in verses 11 and 12, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster....to give you a future and a hope. In those days, if you pray, I will listen...."

Finally I saw. My God is good. Apart from what ever crap this life throws at me: MY GOD IS GOOD AND WILL DO GOOD FOR ME IN IT. And I began to relax into this trust. I realized that a God who had provided for our every need through long years of Eric 's schooling and then directed him from a career program which would have been a disaster from start to finish...through what at the time seemed to be a terrible catastrophe, into the PERFECT career path for his gifts and personality. And not only that but paid the way for us to get there. And not only that but used every bit of learning that he'd acquired in his two other false starts...to be a huge boon and advantage in his field...putting him way ahead of the game in being successful at his job. AND when our money dried up completely on the week he graduated from college...he got a great job offer and has been there happily for the past 14 years. As I thought over that long road....and the struggles and the times we thought we were at the end of the line....And GOD MADE A WAY THROUGH EVERY HARDSHIP AND BLESSED US THROUGH EACH OF THEM AS WELL.

HOW COULD I NOT TRUST AND LOVE A GOD LIKE THAT/??

And since that time....the hardships did not stop. Nope. Almost every single one of those "What if " fears that I'd had...have actually occurred in our lives. And you know what?? My anchor holds and grips the solid Rock. (as an old hymn says). I don't think I've ever had more than 5 seconds of worry or fear...even in the worst possible events. Because I've learned Who it is that I am serving.

So why the title? I can be still in my heart and go forth in my life in perfect confidence and without fear. yes, I have other lessons I'm learning. But that one, I learned. And I learned it GOOD.