The Answer....

Lord,
I'm here in my bed. The hour is late. My mind is full. And when the light goes off, the darkness comes alive with leering fears. Fears of what the future holds for me...fear of the pain that this night holds. The pain that wakens me, with streaming tears to stumble stiffly out of bed and to fumble my way to the hall, to "walk it off;" this pain that cannot be outwalked or outrun. The pain that will send me fish flopping into my recliner and then back to bed seeking some kind of relief....relief that will not come despite my best efforts.

I am afraid too, Lord, of the more distant future. Fear that my hip will dislocate again...at a time when I cannot get help and will be left alone to suffer in the silent house, enduring that pain which, I am sure, could kill a person from its very intensity. Fear. That my future holds more pain. Worse pain (although that seems unimaginable and impossible) ...Disability as part after body part ceases to function...with increasing loss of independence. increasing helplessness and dependence...on what I don't know...because there is nothing and no one to depend on but you, Lord.

Fear. of financial catastrophe. Of the time when my husband due to age or illness must cease to work...and then we will be left to face the consequences of having no savings or financial plan or pension. Fear of what the current tide in politics and medicine may bring my way as expensive treatment may easily become withheld from a money-sucking hopeless example of non-productivity such as I. Fear of what will happen when my cervical discs finally collapse or the bony growths with are currently flattening and compressing my spinal cord finally sever or severely impinge on it.

Fear.
The night is populated and inhabited by it.
I breathe it in. I breathe it out.
Lord where are you in this pervasive darkness? I reach out my hands...grasping. And
I clutch....air.

And despite the mockery of the night, I have peace somewhere in my chest; because there is a knowledge outside of my cowardice, that there exists a God; who is bigger and Other than my fear and doubt. A God who is NOT. NOT like anything else; who isn't compelled to please me or answer to me and who is not threatened by my fear nor my questions...and yet who is a huge IS. A God who can roar into the silence of my night; into the howling dark wilderness of my doubt and boom his answer and his self explanation in two words: I AM. That is it. All of the assurance we need. All of the answer to our fear. To our doubt. The simple fact of his existence is the resolution and sufficiency for every need; every gaping lack.

It is the statement which is the answer to every one of our inadequacies both of character, and supply. I AM- all you could want or need; I AM the extinguisher of fear; I AM what will get you through the darkness of your nights, the uncertainties of your tomorrows. I AM HOLY, HOLY, HOLY...the LORD God Almighty ,,...who was and IS and yet will be. Fear not, little one, I am here. I am with you --ALWAYS...EVEN WHEN THE WORLD ROCKS ON ITS FOUNDATIONS AND MELTS IN TO THE SEAS...I am with you now and will be with you through your nights. I will uphold you by your hand; will ride the winds to help you; will hold you so that when you stumble you WILL NOT FALL....because I am there to lift you up. I will be there in your dark nights when pain threatens to rock and roar over you.

Here, take my Peace which I am offering you. Peace which no one else will or can understand. Peace that will carry you because it is embedded in the bedrock of trust. And your trust is mounted in the verity of my existence and in the truth of my promises. It is grounded in who who and what I AM. So do not fear, little one; little trembling Child of Clay. Do not quiver and shake....merely curl up into my strength and let ME worry about those tomorrows. And rest in the fact of my Presence and in my promise never to leave you nor to forsake you; NOR to give you anything that is bigger than I can handle for you.

And I smile into the darkness at the God who somehow manages in two words not to coddle but to give a cuddle. And I know now that sleep or no sleep; pain or no pain...I am safe. I am loved.

Amen and Amen

My Soul Sings

I have spent the majority of the past week in bed, grounded by spinal pain--and in the past two days, without internet on my laptop due to network problems...So I lay down until the pain subsides to a roar and then when I have to...or when I need to change position, I get up and wander about the house or go on the living room PC for about ten minutes...and then pain escalates once more and it's back to bed.

It has been growing progressively worse...I'd gone in the past year from spending up to five hours at church on a Sunday morning to only being there for an hour...And lately, that hour has become more and more agonizing. I spend so much time squirming and shifting my weight back and forth, seeking a bit of relief...and then finally exiting to pace in the lobby, that I've gotten precious little out of going. I don't even get to talk to or visit anyone, because pain demands I leave NOW, right at the end of the service.

This realization...that my days there from now on will be few and far between...fills me with immense sadness. Church was the high light of my week...So now I am left to worship...just me and God, here in my room...I find that YouTube is of great help in this for me...I have a good friend who always sends me videos of music to watch and she picks some excellent ones. Please listen to the following two as they've meant a lot to me this week.

This one is by an artist named Ginny Owens, who is a new name to me, but whom I will definitely be following henceforth:

If You Want me to- Ginny Owens


Yes, I can say to him that "I will walk through the fire if you want me to," but those words have taken some time in coming readily to my heart. God is patient and he loves me...and he's allowed me to travel through a bit of sadness and tears this week, but he's been with me through it, speaking through music very often. I am laying my future...and each day at Jesus' feet, because that is the only way it can be endured.
And now, my greatest urge is not to cry...but to worship. May his name be forever praised!

At Your Feet by Casting Crowns:



Another favorite one of mine is the one I've embedded at the bottom of my blogpage. It's probably my all time favorite...When ever you need a lift, or a reason to lift up your hands to the heavens..stop by and give it a play!

Fly LIttle Bird

My daughter is no longer living at home.

She just recently went to North Carolina in search of herself and in search of a life of her own. I don't blame her....and while I miss her horribly; I pray for her success. She has much to overcome in terms of pain from her past her past here in this family and in other relationships. There's been a lot of trauma. A lot of difficulty involving separation from those she loves. After all, she 's had a mom who from her young age of four months has been gone, sometimes for months at a time...and has frequently been so sick that there was serious doubt that she would ever come home again at all.

Now after the dust settles from her departure and we have stopped listening for her voice in the next room, we must get down to the question: WHAT NOW? What now in our marriage...in terms of a career...or living arrangements? What now in the sense of what now defines us as we are no longer actively, "mom" and "dad." What now in terms of what our future holds for us....a new career for me? A nursing facility? Coming to grips with being disabled and almost homebound? Coming to terms with our lives thus far, forgiving ourselves and each other for our mistakes and failures? Or do we go our separate ways in search of something "other"? (For me the last question is not much of a question in my mind....I'm staying where I am, unless forced to leave. But it is something which may be crossing my husband's mind...I'm really not sure...things like that frequently do emerge at this point in a man's life.)

I've heard of the "Empty Nest Syndrome" and truthfully had never given too much thought to it....I somehow didn't think it would be something I would really have to face. Especially not at the distance of a six hour drive from the fledgling. But here it is. And it's real although I still have not assimilated that.

I look back a lot lately - at my marriage; at my raising of my daughter....and I have a lot of regrets. I see so much that i should have done differently or better. And my daughter told me this in a Facebook message today: "We HAVE good memories as a family. I have tons of beautiful memories of you and daddy. Not everything about our family was/is bad. I wish you could remember some of the things I do. Maybe then you wouldn't feel so helpless and upset."

It's true that much is gone from my memory...due to the damage done both by this cursed illness and by the treatments for it. And I want to scream at the unfairness of it...to be deprived, not only of my child, but of so many memories that SHOULD by rights, be mine to ponder and treasure! But I do have some. And these I'll have to polish up and cling to tightly so that they do not slip into the fog that is pervading my mind.

I may be confused and foggy about a lot of things..but not about this: my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will thank God for her daily until I can tell him in person.