As Things Stand

 This post will not "wow" you with style or insight.  I feel a decided lack in both areas.  However you are probably wondering if I fell off the earth--so my purpose here is mainly to inform.

For some past months I have been "pursued" by a hacker/identity thief..  According to my family, he doesn't exist but is a figment of my psychosis.  As  a result I was railroaded into a hospital admission....although, I confess, it was necessary.  My fear and anxiety over the situation had caused me to dip back into psychosis...and I was struggling with delusions and hallucinations as well as a load of paranoia.  There were a total of three hospital stays in recent memory.  They did help although I am appalled by the advancement of my illness. I can no longer pretend that I am "normal" (is anyone?) and because my husband no  longer wants me to live in "his" home (it is half mine)--I am looking into other living alternatives.  Believe me, there are not a lot of options....at least not where I live.  It is easy to see how people with SZ so often live on the street.  A family member or room mate point to the door and say "OUT!" and there is no recourse for them but to go.  There are not too many people who are willing to share a house with someone who has SZ.

When I was in my 20's I lived in a group home--and I HATED it.  Because you see, in my eyes, I was normal and this was all a terrible mistake.  I thought I was better than the other residents. and had never been homeless....so I did not appreciate a somewhat comfortable bed and the half a room that was mine to call home or having sufficient food to stave off hunger.  From there I moved to a "Supportive Apartment" run by the same organization that ran the house.  I shared the apartment with two other young women and had the luxury of being assigned the one single bedroom.   My roommates varied from nice enough to a real ***** who set off every paranoid alarm in my brain.  I was terrified of her and she hated me  and did her best to worsen my paranoia.....

Anyway. 

I wanted out of the "System" - I didn't belong there (just ask me!)  So when a marriage proposal came from the man I was dating, I was very relieved that I would no longer be living in a group home. That lasted for 30 years of functioning adequately well enough to keep a house and raise a daughter.  But in the past 10 years, things have begun to slide.   I was kind of unaware of it until my social worker in the last hospital visit, asked me if I thought I belonged in a state hospital.  I almost yelled a vehement "NO!!" - Honestly it was not a thought that had crossed my mind in the past ten years when the question had come up one other time.My social worker said "You have a chronic, degenerative brain disease.  These episodes are not going to lessen. They will get worse and do you really want to hurt your family by going in and out of the hospital all of the time?"

Add that to that the fact that my father is quite worried about what will become of me when he is gone.  He wants to have me set up in some kind of long term solution.  I really never thought it would come down to this.  I mean, I knew it was a degenerative, chronic disease but never really considered in real life what that implied. So now, with my husband becoming more and more angry and constantly demanding that I leave ...I am under pressure to find some kind of alternative I can live with....and am not coming up with a bunch of options.

 So. 

Right now life is hard and I am in a bad spot.  God has some kind of solution in the works--I just hope he reveals it soon. I would not survive a single night on the street.  My pain levels are so severe that even a trip to the store is barely endurable.  And as far as my walking ability?  from my house down the driveway is about all I could manage.

This is how things are right now.  I have basically destroyed all of my friendships - or rather, my friends could not deal with my illness and one by one have bowed out of my life. My mom has gone to heaven and it won't be terribly long until my father does as well.  And then?  I have my daughter although my illness has been very hard on her and I know she has some mixed feelings about me.

If you pray to the Lord Jesus, please pray for me....that there will be an acceptable solution for me to have shelter and food.  Pray for my husband. ..and for my daughter.  Thank you.