Some Reviews on my Book

Here are a few of the reviews of my book, Treasure from Darkness, released last September and available for purchase on Amazon, Treasures from Darkness - paperback,
Kindle Version
Barnes and Nobel, Treasures from Darkness (B&N)
Christian Book Distributors Treasures from Darkness (CBD)
 and Xulon Press. Treasures from Darkness, Xulon Press

You will not experience the raw, unfiltered journey of a person dealing with mental illness any more clearly than you can here. Cynthia does not present her history here in polished form, but gives you a first person account that brings you a perspective that is very real and at times somewhat uncomfortable. You may wonder why she makes the choices she does, or how she could let certain events take place. These revelations make her account honest, imperfect, and completely in need of a grace only faith can bring. This book does not speak only to those who live through similar experiences, but reveals a bit of insight for anyone who loves and knows someone who has struggled with any number of illnesses that leave you in the darkness looking for a little light. 

This story is one that, once you start reading, you will not want to put down. Right from the outset, Cynthia draws the reader into her life by giving snapshots from her childhood up to the present. Her story is riveting, sometimes dark and always fascinating. The difficulty of diagnosing mental illness, the often unkind treatment of patients in psychiatric facilities, the physical, emotional, social and financial stress is difficult for most of us to fully comprehend. Cynthia has unveiled her life, allowing us to see and experience her frustration. She has become transparent and thereby we can feel her pain as she deals with lack of self-worth and thoughts of suicide. My tears flowed freely. Such is the life of a person with schizophrenia. But she knows that God is always there, that He has not abandoned her and that He loves her!
This book is a must-read. It is not delightful and charming; it is gut-wrenching and sad but so worth reading. We need to understand mental illness for what it is. It is a disease - something that is not the fault of the individual. My first thought after I finished reading Treasures from Darkness is that I must read it again. I learned so much and believe that I will learn even more the second time around.
Thank you Cynthia for sharing yourself and the hope of Christ that is available to all who reach out to Him.

 This book is a series of snap shots, told by a gifted writer and artist openly and with humor explaining her life with schizophrenia. By 11 grade she hears a voice,and in short tine voices that increase in strength and plunge her into dark places. There were many stays in hospitals,mental intitutions, and group homes. She questions why a God would let this happen to her and often wishes to die. Of these times over many years she has some very vivid memories and no memory of others. In her late 20' she marries and has a daughter. Then there are physical pains of many types and more hospital stays. She continues her conversations with God,and slowly lets him enter her life and begins to feel his light. The fact that Cynthia wrote this book and got it published is a great accomplishment . In doing so she gives a gift to the many others with mental and physical problems who feel alone. She gives the gift of hope.Check out her blog-www.cynthialottvogel.blog spot.com

Having first met Cynthia Lott in 1985 or 1986 in CT, I have often wondered how she is. She was very special, highly intelligent and an immensely talented artist. Her paintings fascinated me and her illness saddened me greatly. It seemed (and was) so very unfair. I am glad to know that she is alive and doing her very best to keep going. What an amazing spirit and will to survive she has shown. Few people could do what Cynthia has done in life. I never forgot meeting her, enjoyed talking to her and always (for years) wished her the best help possible. That is a hard thing to accomplish in the mental health field where there are so many misdiagnoses, professionals who are less than well themselves and far too many of the wrong prescriptions given. I wish her peace and congratulations on this--another accomplishment. Check out her work---her paintings are really special. She is a true artist. 

This is an incredible depiction of Cynthia’s schizophrenic life. This book is a must read and will appeal to not only those suffering from depression but to the many family members supporting a loved one who is undergoing any mental illness. Usually such personal and sorrowful details would never have been shared even with close family members let alone the general public but she has chosen to put herself under scrutiny in order to assist other patients, their family members and even the clinical caregivers. Be aware though, that once you begin to share Cynthia’s reality, it will be difficult to put down her book until you have finished the journey. Finally, her book is also a testament to the unlimited love of Christ for his “eye is truly on the sparrow” (Luke 6-7). God bless your family members and friends for their persevering love and support. Cynthia, may God continue to be your strength, as you navigate the maze of twists and turns described in “Treasures from Darkness”.

Truely inspiring read. A life-long journey with illness, not overcome, but made richer by faith. I couldn't stop turning the pages of this true autobiography. I finished it in just two sittings. Highly recommended.

All of the above reviewers gave my book, Treasures from Darkness, five out of five stars.  Thank you so much to those of you who have read my book and taken the time to write a review.  For those of you in the Milford PA area, on May  21st I will be having a book reading/signing at the Pike County Library in the two of Milford (on Harford Street), beginning at 7:00 pm.  Hope to see you there!

Is Happiness a Choice?

A person who struggles with depression asked a tough question.  "Is happiness a choice?"  This statement has angered and frustrated depressed people for forever.  The implication that we can throw a switch and suddenly be bathed in light and joy is an insult in its simplistic confidence that WE are in control of the way our brains make us feel.  And yet.....there is a touch of truth in the statement which is perhaps why we hate it so very much.

Years ago i was in the depths of the deepest, darkest depression imaginable.  It stayed with me for 15 years.  I don't know back then, if I was able to use my will to make any change in how I was feeling.  But I also know that I did perpetuate the death spiral I was in....I self harmed.  I closed my ears to God and his children.  I smoked and used foul language....which offended my brothers and sisters in Christ and put distance between me and them.  Now, years later --it is true, I am on an antidepressant that is helping me.  Years ago I tried all that science had to offer but none of the drugs back then helped me.

But the answer is not completely found in a pill.  It is found in an opening of your heart to hear and  respond to God's voice and his commandments.  Just as David said "there is no soundness in my bones."  He spoke of groaning and being brought to the point of despair and death itself, all because he was hiding his sin from God.  As long as we deny that the help we need comes from above, we will be closed off from the power that sustains our life. Please note: I am NOT saying that depression is caused by sin or that if we would confess our sins, our depression would leave.  That is only a part of the answer....but it is a part which cannot be neglected.  Years ago I would not even converse with God in my heart...I cut myself off from the source of light and life--is it no wonder my heart was filled with darkness?  I am God's creation and if i am hating God, then it follows that I would hate myself and they way God made me.

The answers are complex.  And yes, a person can do everything right and still be immersed in darkness and despair.  But there are choices that we all have available to us which will go a long way in helping us to enjoy our lives.

1.  Confess all sin HONESTLY and completely. 
2.  Ask God to help us...and expect that he will. 
3. Be grateful for all that we have and for the blessings he's given us and for his creation. (read the book 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp)  
4. Every morning when you wake up, thank God for your sleep and thank him for a new day. Ask that he will open your eyes to all the possibilities contained in the day ahead.  Try to get outside...walk, garden.  Grow some houseplants...be responsible for sustaining a life other than your own, even if it is just an African Violet.
5. Get into the word.   There is a verse that talks about the "washing of the Word" and this is true. The more we sink our teeth into the meat of the Word, the less and less of a hold will we have on those deeply etched sins in our hearts.  Gradually they will be washed away JUST BY READING his Word DAILY.  
6. Eat healthfully.  To see what comprises a healthy diet read Eat to Live by Joel Furhman....I heartily recommend it and many kinds of bad health can be reduced or cured by the way we eat.  Our brain is made up of the food we eat, is it not?  If you are not eating well, you can't expect your brain to function well.  IN those years of darkness my diet was comprised of either a cup of  yogurt a day.  Or a Dairy Queen Blizzard. (and that was IT for the whole day) or a candy bar.  Now is it any wonder that I was so sick?? and lastly 
7. Associate with other Christians....those who truly have a living relationship with the Lord God...open your heart to them and share your struggles. (yes, you must be careful here. There are those who are holier than thou who don't understand illness and  who are self absorbed.) ask God to bring someone in to your life with whom you can share and from whom you can derive strength.    
   

I hope you don't feel like I was preaching.  I did a lot of things wrong back then....things that were unhealthy --and I did them because I hated my life and didn't want to sustain it in any way.  But if I HAD, in faith, taken care of myself, who knows? Maybe my despair would have been lessened or shortened.

Do we HAVE to "Fear God?" Do we WANT to?

As I may have mentioned, lately my task at hand has been to memorize the verses in the Bible that deal with Fearing God.  I had bought a Kindle book on memorization and it walked the reader through learning one verse a week out of twelve verses, all relating to the fear of God.  Honestly when I picked the book, I picked it to help me to learn new methods of Bible memory, I was not very interested in learning about fearing God.  To me fearing God was a task we were compelled to do...not a very pleasant task.  I always kind of viewed myself in front of God with piles of sins and incompleted projects and because I knew God expected more, my fear was meshed with my failure.

However something wonderful happened.  By the end of those 12 verses, I had begun to notice the word "Fear" as it related to God, mentioned dozens of times in the Psalms and also dozens in Proverbs.  There was one mention in 2 Kings and one in Luke and one in Ecclesiastes...otherwise all were in the Psalms and Proverbs.   What I saw was an amazing pattern.  The fear of God is something desirable.

"The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever.
The judgements of the Lord are true....
They are righteous altogether.
They are more desirable than gold--
than much fine gold.
Sweeter also than honey, and the drippings from the honeycomb
Psalms 19:9,10

How great is Your goodness
Which You have stored up for those who fear You,
Which you have wrought for those who take refuge in You.
Before the sons of men!
You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of men.
You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues.
Psalm 31:19,20

Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
To deliver their soul from death
And to keep them alive in famine

           Psalm 33:18,19

.

  Are you beginning to see a pattern?
Fearing God is sweet and imminently valuable.  It protects men who fear the Lord...He Himself is their shield, and finally it causes God to provide for our needs, whether food, water, or against enemies...all this (and there is much much more) promised to those who REVERE God.
 
Revering God is how we Fear God....they are the same thing.
 How do we revere God?  

1) We keep His Name holy...not using it as a curse word but as the precious name of a dearly beloved one.
 2) We talk to Him and commune with Him.
3) We treasure His Words.  We memorize, meditate and read God's Word.
4) We trust His promises.  That means when God promises to be our refuge, we should have no fear before any enemy.  God has promised us to take care of us....we need to believe that and to let our actions and words show that we believe it.
5) We share His views on sin.  God hates sin and so should we.  When we stumble, we must confess quickly and get right again so that we can stand in His presence sinless.
 6) We should live in an attitude of thankfulness.  God loves us as high as the sky is above the earth. He has buried our sins as far as the east is from the west.  All good things come to us from our beloved Redeemer, shall we forget to thank him?  No.  Part of fearing God is to appreciate His gifts to us and to thank him for them.

It is so easy to just live, bouncing from one challenge to another,  Cleaning up messes, making more messes, making do with what we have.  Throwing God a bone once in a while by showing up to church....but you must understand something. : fearing God is a nonstop, lifelong attitude.  When choices come our way, as they will, in reverence seek God's opinion about them.   When you are tempted to do something "shady" it is to stop yourself (helped by the Spirit of God) and to repent, which means to turn away.  Our choices matter. And they matter to more than just ourselves.  They matter to God.  They matter to those who look up to us.  And they will affect the manner in which God distributes His blessings on the earth. The Bible promises that those who fear God will have no want....in other words God will provide for their physical needs as well.

This journey I've been on in learning these verses not only been eyeopening.  It's been a blessing, it's been convicting, it's been challenging and it has brought me much joy and a deeper understanding of who God is and what He expects from us......and what He longs to give us in return.

Yet I will Praise Him

There is a  song by Shane and Shane called "Yet I will Praise Him" based on the words by Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him, though he ruin me, yet I will bless His Name."  This song has been constantly in my head.  I even bought the whole album.  I will post the video of it here as well. (see video below)

How can you love someone who slays you?  God calls us to love our enemies.  Well that is one thing. Difficult enough.  But what do you do when it is someone who LOVES you, who slays you?  It has the sting of Judas's kiss, doesn't it?  No.  This is different.  Judas meant harm....permanent harm.  He did it out of benefit to himself.  GOD on the other hand, means it for our permanent benefit and He did it at great cost to Himself.  Yes, there are times when God slays us.  But He slayed Himself first,  He modeled for us that there are times when the benefit outweighs the expense.

Are you willing to be slain?

These are difficult days for the Followers of the Way.  Beheadings.  Shootings.  Rapes.  Buildings burnt.  And sometimes it is "just" a chronic illness....causing  us constant pain.  Sometimes it is the death of one whom we love so much it seems as if it were our own heart that ceased to beat.  What do we say to God in the privacy of our hearts when these things happen?  My friend's husband recently held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.   My friend found him.  I'm sure the horror of that sight will never leave her memory.  What do you  say to God in times like those?

You see, that is the fire.
That is the fire that purifies the gold.  The gold that runs like molten fire through our veins.  The searing pain of loss: loss of health., loss of love.  Loss of provision.  Does it also mean a loss of our faith? A loss of our God?

At times like that there are two ways to respond.   One is to tell God to GET OUT. LEAVE ME ALONE. If You loved me, you  never would have done that !  The other response is to throw oneself down and cry out for God to pick us up.  To cry out for understanding but to accept that it may not, in this lifetime, come.  It is to understand that the loving heart of God is hurting with us.  It is to trust, against all reason, that God has a purpose and that the purpose is to bless us, not to harm us.....to give us a hope and a future....even if that future doesn't come until Heaven does. It is to hand God our wounded, bleeding ,, aching heart and say, "I'm yours. Do with me as you will. I know you Love me. I know that you will never needlessly, pointlessly harm me."

And that is the message of the song.  "Though you slay me, Yet will I praise you. Though you ruin me, I will bless Your Name."  This is true worship.  It is the offering of a sacrifice of praise.  The sacrifice of thanksgiving  The praise and thanksgiving that are spoken through streaming snot and tears.  That is beautiful in God's sight.  He is not a merciless God who hurts us for his own pleasure.  He hurts us for our own benefit.  He hurts us so that when we respond in obedience and submission, He can pour our reward out on us.  He can embrace and comfort us.  He can accept our offering....the offering of praise and thanksgiving that comes from a broken wounded heart. And He will then bless us...maybe not on this earth.  But certainly.  Definitely.  Absolutely ---in His Kingdom to come--he will pour out so much blessing on us that our heart will burst for joy.  And then, there, we will see and we will understand and we will be so glad that we acted in faith and yielded our hearts into his hands for his good pleasure.  Because HIS good pleasure, means OUR good pleasure.

It was not meaningless.

"Though You Slay Me" (featuring John Piper)

Odds and Ends

I have not written as frequently as there has not been anything significant to say..  Paucity of thought.  A symptom of SZ as is paucity of speech....so I guess if you combine the two you have paucity of writing.

Yesterday I did not go to church.  I had had a miserable night Saturday-Sunday night'/morning....and was tired, cranky, and my eyes were on fire.  Later, I wished I had just sucked it up and gone, but it was too late for regret.

Lately my pain levels (thankfully) have been less.  I've been on steroids for almost a year now (not really sure how long) and it has had a great diminishing impact on my pain.  However, I have begun to notice a troubling weakness in my legs and in my trunk (core)...I can hardly get off of the bed or chair and I can barely make it down and back up the basement stairs.  If I squat down, I cannot get back up.  My rheumatologist (the doctor who prescribed the meds) has been very ill and will not be returning to practice until late July (if then) so it will have to be my pulmonologist/GP who will deal with this.  He was my doctor who treated me during an extended hospital stay which then led to  a three month long stint on the Rehab unit ....I had steroid myopathy which is when the steroids destroy muscle tissue.  I was discharged in a wheelchair and was told I would never again walk.  Well I beat it that time but I know if it was to happen again to  that severity, I would not have the ability to conquer it once more. Age and the Rheumatoid diseases would make it impossible.  Therefore it is critical to get off of the steroids as soon as possible.  However steroids--when a person has been on them for this long--are very difficult and painful to come down from.

I have an appointment with my doctor on the 30th of this month.  I dread the return of  the pain and the asthma....(the steroids have also been keeping the asthma at bay).  I don't know which one I hate more; which is the most disabling.   The only benefit is that I will be able to lose weight more easily once I am off of the steroids.  One benefit of being on these meds is that I have been able to come down to a much lower dose of morphine.  I am terrified to experience the full force of pain which will occur once I am off of them---without the benefit of an adequate dose of  pain meds.  I can only pray that my current pain management doctor will be reasonable and realize the extent of my need and that it is not because I am a "user"---he has seen me bring myself from 160 mg of morphine a day down to 30....he should know from that that I am not seeking meds that I don't really need.

I am sorry that there are no deep or meditative thoughts in this post....I have been focused on just maintaining....and have not had any revelations to share.  I have been working the Eat to Live program and have been losing some weight.  I did not weigh myself since Saturday because if I don't lose or if I gain a half pound, it sends my spirits plummeting.  I am only going to weigh in once a week and hopefully that way will escape those mood  swings and the descent of my spirits and motivation.

One thing I want to tell you is that I have been memorizing all of the verses in Scripture relating to the fear of God.  That topic was not one that would normally have compelled me, but I started it because I read a book on Memorization that used 12 verses  of that category.  I decided to continue to pursue it and learn ALL of them.  Thus far I have learned over 20 passages (some passages have up to 5 verses)  and have a few more to go.  Memorization has always been one of my passions but ever since I have had the damage to my short term memory from ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), I have not been able to easily memorize as I used to do.  But I decided that maybe if I push ahead that I would be able to repair some of the cognitive damage that was done.  I am finding it tough going.  I will memorize a verse one day and the next it is like I have never before seen it. But I am determined to conquer this impediment and to "hide His Word in my heart."  In my next post, perhaps,, I will discuss what learning this topic has taught me.

Lectio- Escribio

You may have heard of Lectio Divina--but chances are good that you haven't.  Essentially it is a method of reading Scripture, meeting God there and  having him apply it to your life. It is thousands of years old. I'm not going to explain how to do it but at the end of this post, I will post a link that will explain it to you very clearly.

Today while reading my daily passage of Scripture I felt a couple of verses leap out at me and demanding more of me than a mere "skim through."  I had been reading that link on Lectio Divina...and because I had practiced Lectio in the past, it was not a big leap for me to decide to pursue these couple of verses in that manner.

Here is the passage:: Daniel 2:21b-22

He gives wisdom to wise men
And knowledge to men of understanding.
²² “It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things;
He knows what is in the darkness,
And the light dwells with Him.

As I meditated, I was writing what God was showing me.  I am a writer. I do not understand something unless I have written it...so even though "escribio" is not part of Lectio for most people, for me it is.  Here is what God showed me in this passage:

In the depths of my depression:  God knew what was in my past darkness and the solution lay with Him—He was there had I had the humility to look and to call out to Him.

My future is darkness also.  There is nothing good about it.

But God knows, anticipates and has a plan for me in the midst of that darkness. 

Seek Him!  Call out to Him.!.Most importantly: make room for Him in my heart and soul and mind.

Love him wholeheartedly and He will provide light for me in that dark place.

God also is in the midst of my future blindness.(For those of you who don't know: I am losing my sight) He has a plan.  He holds my hand and directs me.  The Darkness is Light to Him.  "I will fear no evil for Thou art with me."

 

 In all these areas of darkness in my life....in my past (depression) in my future (disability, pain, and blindness) and in my present (pain as well as uncertainty about my future... God is in the midst of this darkness...He is intimately acquainted with it. And HE IS MY PATH THROUGH THAT DARKNESS.  He may take me out of the darkness...or he may just comfort me with his presence in the darkness.

To those of you who struggle with the darkness of depression: I have intimate understanding of what that is like.  It takes a lot of courage to reach out of your despair and grasp the hand that God is holding out to you.  I wasted many years in complete misery being depressed because of my mental illness (Schizophrenia) and my anger about that directed at God for letting it happen to me.  I will not engage in a theological discussion about God's Sovereignty and his Goodness ...there are many books that deal with that. (If you want info on that, email me; cynthialottvogel@gmail,com).  What I am trying to say to you is: God Knows, God Cares, And he is the Source of your Healing.

Somehow the thought that God was THERE in the middle of those years of mental anguish, hit me right in the gut.  I did so much to push God away and to deny that he exists...but none the less, he was THERE...seeing me through it....Obstructing my attempts at suicide.  Saving me. Keeping me. Because he had better things in mind for me.

Here is that link on Lectio Divina (there are also books on it...Search on Amazon)

https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/scripture-engagement/lectio-divina/home

Finished

Have you ever done anything that haunts you? Even years later, when you think of it you flush with shame and feel like vomiting?  I have.  Something that has weighed on me for years.  I have repented of it--with many tears....but still it torments me.  It comes to mind and I think , "confession was too easy....it cannot possibly be gone from my "account" now"  Today, again, it raised its ugly head and I prayed, "Lord, you know I have repented.  You know I have never again done anything like that.  You know that Jesus paid for this sin....can you please give me a complete rest from this guilt? Can you obliterate it from my account?  Can you make me feel the forgiveness I know I have?"

Shame.

Heb. 12:2  says:

looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

 

 The other day I was thinking of this verse.  I was thinking about how much Jesus hated being on the cross, naked, spit upon, disgraced.....he despised it.

But today the same verse means something a little different to me.   Jesus bore the weight of my sin on his ripped up shoulders.  He bore the shame for me.  And yes, he despised it.  He wore the contempt that I should have worn....all this self hatred I've been bearing, all the guilt, and contempt, he repudiated for me. This guilt is no longer mine.  Jesus took it from me and I am negating the power of the cross if I keep digging it up and gowning myself in it again.

Jesus despised my sin for me.  I do not have to despise myself any longer. I no longer have that sin tucked away in secrecy.  Jesus dragged it out of my closet and bore it in my stead.  And that means one thing:

 

IT IS FINISHED.

R.D. Laing and the Divided Self!

The following is Part Two of the articles written by fellow sufferers of the disease, Schizophrenia.  The first one in the series was an autobiographical approach written by "Janis" (not her real name). (see: http://cynthialottvogel.blogspot.com/2015/03/guest-author-janis.html) Today I am presenting an informational article written by a different person....His article discusses the psychiatrist, Laing, and examines his contribution to schizophrenia and the treatment of it and how that has affected our understanding of the disease today.

R.D. Laing and the divided self!
The biological model of madness is becoming mainstream. New discoveries in the realm of neuroscience has improved our understanding of the brain. This has led to more complex theories on why some people become psychotic and others don't.

The most well known theory is the dopamine hypothesis, which suggest that schizophrenics and other psychotic people have excess of this neurotransmitter. The theory was developed after the drugs seemed to better the patients condition. These drugs, called anti-psychotics, lower dopamine levels in the brain. And that is how the dopamine hypothesis was born.

Some people might be interested in more psychological models of psychosis and schizophrenia. A mostly overlooked expert in this field is R.D. Laing. Some credit him for the invention of Anti Psychiatry, but he was not against treatment as some say. Neither did he think that psychosis was a positive experience. His book "The Divided Self", holds many interesting thoughts which we will look at. Schizophrenia actually means split mind or divided mind, thus the title of the book.

For him a schizophrenic person is unable to relate to the real world. A person rarely becomes schizophrenic from one day to the next. Laing describes the term schizoid, which is a person who has deviant beliefs, but still relates and functions in the world. He gives many examples in his book, like the one about a certain young man. This man feels that he only way he can ever express his real self is by talking only to strangers. This means that he frequently visits other towns for haircuts or similar activities, that would lead to familiarity. He is able to function in the world, but eventually he develops full blown schizophrenia.

This seems like a dark future for the diagnosed but Laing offers a little promise. He says that schizophrenic people might let light into their lives that some normal people might not. In other words you can enjoy life just as much as a schizophrenic as a more normal person. It should not make you any less of a good person.

Laing finishes the book by stating that a person is longer mad when he meets someone that shares his world and understands his thoughts. R.D. Laing is a good read for everyone who wants to understand how they have become severly mentally ill and I highly frecommend it.
By Mottec

Despising, Enduring and Overcoming

Heb 2:12

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  (italics mine)

There is a verse in my head today.  And it is appropriate for today is the day we remember Jesus' death. It talks about--appropriately, this Good Friday,-- Jesus' approach to the cross.  The cross was something to be endured. And the shame was something to be despised.  I had always thought that the phrase,"despising its shame" was a way of saying that Jesus, diminished the shame, he overcame it and defeated it...The way you despise an enemy who is smaller than you.  But today as I read the verse it seemed that the shame was bigger that day than Jesus in his weakness and pain.  He truly despised it...just as he endured the cross.  That sad day, it seemed like the cross was the victor.

 

 Jesus hung there, naked, beaten, spit up on --he had always been looked up to.  

 He had always been called "Rabbi," "Rabboni," "Master," "Teacher,", these were titles of honor from those who looked up to him.  He had been looked up on as  a teacher---and now he was literally looked up on as he hung there....but no more was their respect.  He was "A worm and not a man"(Ps 22:6).  And he despised it.  He hated it.  And yet, for the joy to come, he endured it.  It took every fiber of his being to endure it---when he could have turned the tables at any time.  All the angels in heaven watched their Master dying and they were ready: "Just say the word, Lord, and we will be there to beat the snot out of your enemies."  But he didn't summon them, instead he hung there ashamed and in agony.  It was demoralizing. It was humiliating.  It was shameful.

 

And in his mind I'm sure--the day when he would be dressed in blinding white, riding a white horse when he comes to earth to judge the living and the dead--was in his thoughts. On that day, these enemies of his will grovel at his feet begging for mercy....and there will be no mercy. Best of all those he loves will share his glory.  And they will be freed from the eternal death--the death without respite, without a period at the end of their sentence.--and will reign with him in  his kingdom.  And because of that....because of the love  that drove him into the hands of his enemies...he endured. And he despised.  He died with a cry that chased away sunlight and rocked the mountains, splitting open graves and freeing the dead.  It was finished.  It IS finished.

But today....we must fix our eyes on the cross...remembering his death, until he comes again.  The more we bathe ourselves in the blood of Calvary, the greater the joy with which we will greet Resurrection Day.  We will not think of it as a celebration of Spring.  We will not think of it as a day in which to  stuff our faces with candy...or go to egg hunts...or to wear pretty new clothes.  No, we will recognize our freedom, bought with such a terrible price.  It should be called "Gratitude Day" and it is through the eyes of gratefulness that we will remember the cross and with heart racing joy we see the empty tomb.

Lost and Found

I lost my glasses last night. Brand new, two-day-old glasses.

God usually opens my eyes and speaks to my heart where my lost items are. But this time He is silent….which makes me understand that this is no ordinary loss.  I think maybe it’s a test.  Ecc. 3:6 says “a time to search and a time to give up as lost.”  I have searched my entire house. Top to bottom.  And now I’ve “given it up as lost”….I do not believe they will be lost forever.  Once God is done with what he is doing here, I will find them again.  Of this I am certain.  Once I lost a pair of glasses in my recliner and they were gone for 6 months…and when I found them they were so bent out of shape they were unusable.

I did not take these glasses for granted.  They were a gift from God’s hand and I recognized that. I rejoiced on Facebook at the miracle through which they were provided.  I celebrated God’s gift and I thanked him profusely.  “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away….blessed be the name of the Lord”….so I know that they have not been removed due to a lack of gratitude.  No, God is doing something else here.  He is showing me how to wait on him and to not give up hope in Him. 

Ps 42:11

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Luke 8…the woman who had lost a coin, “lighted a lamp and carefully swept her house.  She didn’t stop searching until she found it…” Then she rejoiced with her neighbors.

I have prayed for God to return my glasses to me.  It was so wonderful to see. And I liked the way they looked.  But God wanted to be my sight. “Be Thou my Vision o Lord of my Heart.  Naught be all else to me save that Thou Art.”  I should not rely on glasses for sight…but on the Lord.  If He is willing he can heal my eyes…or he can return my glasses, or he can protect me from accidents due to not being able to see.

I pray that he returns my glasses.  I trust him that he will do that.  I have ceased to fret—it only leads to evil—and instead am resting in and trusting in my God’s kind and good heart. I know that “he is for me” and not against me. 

Maybe this is just another case of God removing my love for my possessions.  It is my Isaac.  “Take your son, your only son, whom you love….”

I really do want my glasses back…but I am asking God for the grace and the surrendering heart not to hold tightly to anything but his hand….and I am convinced that once I have surrendered, he will return the glasses to me.  Maybe. Or maybe he will keep them hidden so that every time I struggle to see, I will turn to him. I don’t know.  But in any case, I am okay with what he decides.