Trusting Amidst Transition

This week, on Monday I had an appointment with my GP/pulmonologist and I related to him some of the difficulties I'm having lately. I have a tremor--which I've had for years, but it is worsening.  It is usually when my hands are at rest...a slow shaking that goes away with intentional movement.  He tested my muscles and told me that I have rigidity which played into my doctor's suspicions. The tremor started in my left hand and is  now in both hands and my right leg/foot and sometimes in my neck/head.  I also have serious trouble when eating.  At every meal I have choking fits as I have inhaled some food or liquid. I had a problem like this in a restaurant lately...and a man leaned over to me and said "Any day without a Heimlich is a good day."  I burst out laughing and then really choked. LOL.

I also have been struggling with depression.  So I told my doctor all of this and he said I have either Parkinson's Syndrome, or Parkinson's Disease.  The syndrome would be one that is caused by my psych medicines.  These meds are the only ones that have worked to keep me stable. I can NOT stop taking them,  The full blown disease most of the time, results in dementia. My memory is terrible and  I have had periods of confusion.  In fact there are frequent days when I wake up in the morning with a "blank slate"--I do not recall what has occurred in the days recently past. If I have been sick in anyway, sometimes I will know there is or was something wrong, but cannot recall what it is.

In past CT or MRI scans of my brain they have found a large and increasing amount of atrophy...dead brain cells resulting in  impaired cognition.  I have had 15 treatments of bilateral ECT ("shock therapy") which  was unspeakably destructive to my brain. I lost several years of memory--and my short term memory remains damaged by these treatments....I would have frequent days -even years after the ECT- when I would wake up in the AM with no idea of where I  am or how I came to be here (in my own bedroom) and have no idea what is wrong with me.  I have picked up my kindle and did not know what it is or how to work it.

There have been periods, the longest of which lasted for 4 days, when I am completely confused, cannot sign on to my computer, cook a meal or even turn the oven on....I am aware, in those times, that my brain is not working and this is unspeakably terrifying and distressing to me.  My beloved GP (now retired) told me he thinks I'm having mini strokes (TIA's) resulting from the ECT. Now whether it is from that or whether it is due to Parkinson's activity I do not know.

I have decided not to worry about this possible diagnosis.  It is not an easy thing to not worry about...but I know that worrying is not going to help anything. On Wed. night I went to prayer meeting at my church...there was a good turnout, maybe 12 people....and when Pastor asked if anyone needed prayer, I spoke up and said I did.  I told them about my needs.  There followed an intense time of prayer that lasted throughout the entire prayer time.  There was a number of helpful things said or revealed through the prayers of others which I'm not going to go into here....they are things that I need to work through and implement on my own with the Lord.

At least in this moment, I feel at peace regarding this possible diagnosis.  I have an appointment with my neurologist on April 29th and it will be up to her to make the final determination about what kind of Parkinson's I might have or maybe something completely different.   I am trusting God that he will work in whatever way he desires to act. Of course this and the RA/PsA will affect my future housing situation. It's all  up in the air.  I don't like nebulous uncertainty.  Who does?  I just have to trust that God will take me to where ever he wants me, one step at a time.  I have put my future in his hands.  He will work and he will guide....all I have to do is to remain sensitive to his working  and go where he takes me..

Please pray for me in these uncertain days.