Two years ago, while i was recovering from a left ankle fusion at
Valley View Rehab/Nursing Hospital, I struggled with all my might to
take only a few Non-weight bearing steps using crutches and I watched
two women, at least 80 years old, also non-weight bearing due to
fractures....I watched them hopping along like little sparrows pushing
their rolling walkers....hop, hop, hop ...all around the PT unit. And I
said in wonder (and envy) to Dawn (My PT), "Look at them go!
They hop around like it was nothing at all...and I cannot take more than
a few faltering steps!" She said "they don't have disease eating up
their joints and causing inflammation. You are a whole different
situation" And it was then that I began to understand what this disease
means....That it is waging war on my body....and it is a war that it
will win and I will lose..
And now, here I am, needing at least four major surgeries, and three of them must be done in NYC where the only doctors in the country who would attempt them are located. My solution? Don't have them done. Deal with the pain until it kills you. And I must not forget to mention that I can no longer tolerate taking any pain med! I took my last oxy several months ago and it gave me a roaring bout of dementia that lasted for four days.
Now, the confusion is gone but there are a number of cognitive changes which remain. I forget words. I make ridiculous grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, skipping words or replacing them with other unrelated words. All this . God took away my art. He limited my intelligence. My memory. My physical facility, my strength. My comfort. I must have been a walking-egotistical- self-sufficient-mess of a person that He had to do so much to bring me to my knees!
Well maybe that is true. But maybe God was writing a story. The story of a woman who had been to the depths....who replaced angry mistrust with faith. Who fought and refused to allow anything in the many years of struggle, to defeat her or to make her "curse God and die"....maybe God is showing the universe the depths and heights of his Grace. I may not be able to write much longer. Maybe my thoughts and clarity will be locked in a box, no longer accessible to me and no longer able to be shared with those around.
I don't know how the story will end. In the back ward of some Medicaid nursing home, stinking of urine and crying in pain? Maybe. I beg God for his mercy and not allow it to come to that. Bring me to Your Kingdom before that happens, Lord! I have a friend who thinks I will receive the Martyrs crown in Heaven. I don't know....am I suffering all of this for God? or simply because there is no other choice? I know that I have put my life in His hands to do with me as He wishes. And I have endeavored not to cry and whine about the path I'm on now.
I think of Dr L....when I first heard the words "Psoriatic Arthritis.'....trying desperately to make me understand that this would ruin my life. This was the beginning of the end. I blew it off....for of course I was invincible. Nothing had ever beaten me that far.
Since then, God has really knocked me off of that high horse. But, still, having endured all I endure, having lost all I have lost--I still pray, worship, and trust God to give me what I need to get through each day. I yield to His purposes, trusting the love that is behind each one, no matter how gruesome it appears. I am secure in the knowledge of God's love for me and that make some people really angry. "How can you love a God who is doing this to you?"
Well I know that each hardship that I go through with my faith intact, is building up treasure for me in Heaven. Not one pain or one tear will go un-noticed and unrewarded. And when people mis-treat me, I leave that in the hands of the Father as well.
This is not a " Look how wonderful and strong I am" post. I am not either. It is only by the grace, strength, mercy and overflowing love of God that I am able to get through five minutes of my day. Years ago, I turned my back on God, and there ensued close to 20 years of havoc and heartache. (For more on this, read my book "Treasures from Darkness" linked at the top of the sidebar).
I learned from all of that that the only motivation worth following is the Love of Christ that constrains me.(2 Cor.5:14) I read a quote from Joni lately when she asked what "constrains means"...She was told that it means being narrowed or forced into smaller paths with the purpose and effect of moving straight ahead faster and with more power.
God has brought me to a place of absolute dependence on Him. He has narrowed my activities and my freedoms. He has pressured me with pain for the purpose of granting me power and a constant awareness of my need for him.
As you observe changes in me and in my writing, pray for me. Ask God for His mercy and most of all for His nearness to me as I walk through the Valley of the Shadow. Pray that I remain faithful and for endurance.
God bless your day today.
And now, here I am, needing at least four major surgeries, and three of them must be done in NYC where the only doctors in the country who would attempt them are located. My solution? Don't have them done. Deal with the pain until it kills you. And I must not forget to mention that I can no longer tolerate taking any pain med! I took my last oxy several months ago and it gave me a roaring bout of dementia that lasted for four days.
Now, the confusion is gone but there are a number of cognitive changes which remain. I forget words. I make ridiculous grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, skipping words or replacing them with other unrelated words. All this . God took away my art. He limited my intelligence. My memory. My physical facility, my strength. My comfort. I must have been a walking-egotistical- self-sufficient-mess of a person that He had to do so much to bring me to my knees!
Well maybe that is true. But maybe God was writing a story. The story of a woman who had been to the depths....who replaced angry mistrust with faith. Who fought and refused to allow anything in the many years of struggle, to defeat her or to make her "curse God and die"....maybe God is showing the universe the depths and heights of his Grace. I may not be able to write much longer. Maybe my thoughts and clarity will be locked in a box, no longer accessible to me and no longer able to be shared with those around.
I don't know how the story will end. In the back ward of some Medicaid nursing home, stinking of urine and crying in pain? Maybe. I beg God for his mercy and not allow it to come to that. Bring me to Your Kingdom before that happens, Lord! I have a friend who thinks I will receive the Martyrs crown in Heaven. I don't know....am I suffering all of this for God? or simply because there is no other choice? I know that I have put my life in His hands to do with me as He wishes. And I have endeavored not to cry and whine about the path I'm on now.
I think of Dr L....when I first heard the words "Psoriatic Arthritis.'....trying desperately to make me understand that this would ruin my life. This was the beginning of the end. I blew it off....for of course I was invincible. Nothing had ever beaten me that far.
Since then, God has really knocked me off of that high horse. But, still, having endured all I endure, having lost all I have lost--I still pray, worship, and trust God to give me what I need to get through each day. I yield to His purposes, trusting the love that is behind each one, no matter how gruesome it appears. I am secure in the knowledge of God's love for me and that make some people really angry. "How can you love a God who is doing this to you?"
Well I know that each hardship that I go through with my faith intact, is building up treasure for me in Heaven. Not one pain or one tear will go un-noticed and unrewarded. And when people mis-treat me, I leave that in the hands of the Father as well.
This is not a " Look how wonderful and strong I am" post. I am not either. It is only by the grace, strength, mercy and overflowing love of God that I am able to get through five minutes of my day. Years ago, I turned my back on God, and there ensued close to 20 years of havoc and heartache. (For more on this, read my book "Treasures from Darkness" linked at the top of the sidebar).
I learned from all of that that the only motivation worth following is the Love of Christ that constrains me.(2 Cor.5:14) I read a quote from Joni lately when she asked what "constrains means"...She was told that it means being narrowed or forced into smaller paths with the purpose and effect of moving straight ahead faster and with more power.
God has brought me to a place of absolute dependence on Him. He has narrowed my activities and my freedoms. He has pressured me with pain for the purpose of granting me power and a constant awareness of my need for him.
As you observe changes in me and in my writing, pray for me. Ask God for His mercy and most of all for His nearness to me as I walk through the Valley of the Shadow. Pray that I remain faithful and for endurance.
God bless your day today.
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