This past week, a very good friend of mine and I went out to celebrate her birthday, and (I found out) it will probably be the last time I see her before her move back to Indiana, where all her family is. She has been a good friend, one year decorated my house for Christmas and then afterwards put everything back in storage for me. Last year, when we didn't have any decorations she brought me a mini Christmas tree all decorated.
She also has come to my house maybe 6 or more times a year, just to visit over a cup of tea. We have prayed together many times. She is my best friend, although she has another "bestie" who lives an hour or so away from here.
The reason this dinner celebration was notable was because for the first time in a long time, I had to communicate with someone for longer than the 30-60 seconds I have spent with people at church. And I struggled. I could not find the words that were tickling my brain, refusing to be pinned down so I could speak them. Now, I am not confused in the sense that I have been at times...but this was almost more disturbing because whatever is happening with my brain, is making its way into my every day life.
I spoke to my friend about it. I asked her if she had noticed my difficulty and she said "yes, it is very evident" Here is my list which more than adequately denotes why such a mental lapse is not only not surprising, but really must be expected:
1) ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) Yes. they still do this "shock treatments" in this day in age. Those times were my first times of confusion; where I no longer had a past....not even from a half hour ago. For YEARS after these treatments, I would wake in the morning in a panic because I could not recall what was going on in my life..what did yesterday hold? Picking up my Kindle and not knowing what it was or how to use it. I completely lost the last 4 years prior to the ECT--no memory of it what so ever. And no, you technician and doctors who performed this barbaric and violent event on my brain: MY MEMORY NEVER RETURNED as they had promised it would.
2) A life time of psychotropic medicines. These are major tranquilizers and the Lord himself is the only one who could measure and determined the degree of brain damage these meds do over time. It is proven that people taking these meds do have shorter life expectancies. Now, the question must be asked, "would you rather have 30 more years of insanity without the meds? Or 20 years with them keeping things in check? Yes, "Damned if you do and damned if you don't."
3) The other meds I have taken, chemo drugs taken to try to stop the destructive path this autoimmune disease has taken in my body. I do not know the effect of these meds on the brain...just as I don't know the effect of opiods taken over the years to manage my pain.
4) And no, don't put me on your list of people who are opposed to opiod use: I absolutely believe they are necessary and if those people who are working to make them illegal had ever experienced even for a day, what I experience daily, they would be racing to find a pain management doctor to help them....and they would rapidly discover that NO other meds are as helpful at treating severe pain, as are opiods.And if they become illegal you will see a sharp increase in suicide rates among people who suffer chronic, severe pain and you will see a sharp increase in the use and distribution of heroin. Because some pains simply must be treated...legally, or illegally.
5) But how much have they disrupted the way my brain works? I don't know, but I must also ask: how much has the pain destroyed my brain? How much is the consequence of "brain fog" which is experienced in a wide cross section of people suffering from RA and PsA? So do not jump to conclusions and blame the opiods. And I'm now opiod free...and still suffering worsening neurological loss....sooo.....
So here is the situation: each illness I have, when left to its own, will cause brain damage and cognitive changes. And the drugs which people take to manage these illnesses also on their own, cause brain damage such as I am experiencing.
So you need to choose: to treat or not to treat? If I am going to end up with cognitive damage anyway, then I would say, go ahead and treat the illness because the debilitating effects of SZ, PsA, RA, Chronic pain, unchecked joint and organ damage , psychosis--none of these should be left untreated...but yes, you can expect increasing difficulty in the top floor :)
Am I scared by this? yes. I don't have the family support which is so essential to someone like me...people who will be on the front lines caring for me. Nor do I have the money or insurance to go to a nursing facility. So Lord, the next move is yours. He knows that I am ready to go to his side in his kingdom. I am SO ready. But yes, his is the next move...and I can rest assured that it will be a good one for me.
I can write more easily than I can talk. I can pause for as long as I need until the right word comes. I can edit 6 or 7 times before publishing. And according to my friend, the evidence is nevertheless apparent in my writings. So for that, I apologize. Thanks for visiting my blog today. God bless you !
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