For the kind of sorrow God wants
us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation...
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- 2 Corinthians 7:10a (NLT) |
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I’ve spoken
about this before…how about three years ago, at the turn of the New Year, God
put a word on my heart with the understanding that it was going to be the theme
(I thought) of the coming year. Although
I’ve sought other words in the past two years, I keep on coming back to the
first word he gave me…and now, I know that this word is going to characterize
my remaining years of this life.
The word? “Blameless."
I have
committed some heinous sins in my past—and I guess we all have things we are
ashamed of and sorry for—but somehow my heart resounds with the cry of the
Apostle Paul “I am the chief of all sinners.”
And, thus, began a quest to purify my heart before God. Yes, Jesus died for ALL my sin but I know
that, were I to appear at heaven’s threshold wearing all this stinking, unconfessed
sin, it would negatively impact my enjoyment of what Eternity holds for
me. I’ve been extremely close to death’s
door multiple times…I would say at least 4 times in my life, my doctors pretty
much threw up their hands and acknowledged their inability to determine the
outcome or whether I would survive.
And each
time, against all odds, I came through it.
I must admit, that each time, I regretfully turned my back on heaven and
went back to the life God has given me on this earth. And I asked God “WHY??? Why do you keep me
coming back to a life that is filled with pain and difficulty?” I think now, I
know the answer. It is because I have
not come to the place where I can call myself “Blameless” before God and
man.
Throughout
the past three years God has taken me from the obvious sins, which I dutifully
confessed and repented of before God with many tears, to the more obscure
memories buried in time and by the enemy deep in my heart and away from the
scrutiny of my conscious searching.
However, the scalpel operated by God’s Spirit, has made these things
come up a bit at a time, regurgitated by a soul no longer willing to house them. And I must say that I have been appalled by
the depths of my depravity. And it
astonishes me that I ever could have felt as intimate with God as I thought I
was in the past. How could God ever look beyond those wicked deeds and
thoughts and call me His “Beloved”?
There is a
passage in Scripture in one of the writings of the Prophets, that talks about
God encountering His people on a road, covered in birthing blood and filth,
finding us abandoned and ready to die.
It describes Him lovingly washing and clothing us and holding us close
to Him, adopting us as His own.
I feel that
this was God’s relationship to me. He
found me dead in my filth and He is lovingly holding me and restoring me to
life, not just any life, but life as the beloved child of God, the King of the
Universe. He looked beyond my filth and loved the person He found there; the
person He created for intimacy with Himself.
And although, by now, recognizing that I am far from sinless; I
understand that God is keeping me here in this process of my repulsion of my
sin, my sorrow over it, and my handing it back to Him for Him to bury in the
depths of the deepest ocean for a purpose.
And as always, God’s plans are perfect and His ways are just. He wants me to have the best of what Heaven
will hold for me…and that just would not have been accessible to me had this
muck not been raked and shoveled out of my soul.
So, I stand
before you, Blameless and becoming
Blameless. There continues to be sin
generated by my fleshly self and as it rises to my consciousness, I deal with it
before the Father, covering it and obliterating it by the blood of Jesus. And occasionally a new –freshly unearthed
pile of sin is revealed to me from my past—and my heart breaks anew,
to see how
unregenerate I really am…and gratefully, I hand that mess over to the loving
hands of the Celestial Surgeon for him to excise and remove.
Never in my
life have I appreciated so deeply the cleansing power of Christ’s blood and the
brutality He faced on the cross. Do you
ever wonder why He had to suffer so greatly? It’s because it is what I DESERVED and it was only by Him drinking
the full cup of God’s wrath at that sin, that I could be freed from God’s
righteous wrath toward it. My heart breaks from this knowledge and I will never go a day without being grateful for what He did for me there.
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