Chris Tomlin O Come all Ye Faithful

Saturday, July 29, 2017

A Morass




I don't know what to say.  The things that should be said, i don't want to say or can't say.  That leaves unspeakables and unmentionables.  Things that should be said to break the gap of silence. Things that will chip away at the concrete box I am in. I don't want to make things seem like they are worse than they are but I want to let you know that things are NOT as they should be.

I don't know how it is that you can think you are fine....and one thing happens that destroys your comfort zones and suddenly the world is dark and frightening place.  Not the least frightening is the stuff inside of me.  Things are not in their right places.  Safe things are no longer safe.  Safe people no longer safe people.

Time is no longer on a linear track.  It has jumped the track altogether and is crashing through the landscape regardless of who or what it levels.

My cell phone has died...the day after we disconnected the home phones and went cellular.  And i can't really care about it. I don't want to talk to anyone anyway.

What has happened? why is THIS happening?
I felt threatened.  I felt spied on.  I felt unsafe.  I felt confused. I felt bullied.
All because of  a questionnaire.
And now time is moving in leaps and bounds....sometimes forward...sometimes backward,...and sometimes sideways.
I made a cup of coffee...picked it up to drink it and it was already gone.  Did I drink it? I don't remember drinking it at all.

Movies are distressful (these are the movies i see with my eyes  which other people cannot see.) Usually they are innocuous but not now.  I look at a three second clip and an hour slides by.  Where did it go? I don't know.  I wasn't there.

I know if I publish this it will be the end.  I will be herded to the nearest psych unit and that is  a place no one wants to go. would it even help?

Maybe my husband would take charge like he does and give me more of my meds until the world turns right side up again. Then there would be no hospital.  Is it safe? is it trustworthy?

Don't make any judgements until the story is fully written.
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