Yesterday I had two breast biopsies ---my mind has been cogitating on this mystery for a while. I alternate with sharing my husband's sentiment "there's nothing wrong with you" and the sometimes scary opinions of the medical professionals who have been caring for me.
The visit to the surgeon was by far, the scariest. I fully anticipated her telling me "go home, your films are fine." Instead she sat me down and cut to the chase, showing be about 30 films from the 3D mammogram and Ultrasound I had had done. She showed picture after picture and narrated by showing me item after item in the films that she found "worrisome" or "disturbing." I left there with my 'cool' somewhat shaken. *understatement.*
Then yesterday, with the computer screen in full view I saw the invaders in my body. Without doubt. With one of them I was able to guide them to the exact spot based solely on my pain. And to add to the drama, my blood pressure was 204/108. The nurse thought they would cancel the procedure until a later date, but the doctor said, "No I don't want to do that." Why he said that I don't want to speculate.
Before I left to go to the medical center, I checked my email and there in my daily Bible verse email was this verse:
"They (the godly) do not fear bad news. They confidently trust the Lord to take care of them. They are confident and fearless.
Psalm 112:7-8a. NLT
Talk about "a word in time"!
The visit to the surgeon was by far, the scariest. I fully anticipated her telling me "go home, your films are fine." Instead she sat me down and cut to the chase, showing be about 30 films from the 3D mammogram and Ultrasound I had had done. She showed picture after picture and narrated by showing me item after item in the films that she found "worrisome" or "disturbing." I left there with my 'cool' somewhat shaken. *understatement.*
Then yesterday, with the computer screen in full view I saw the invaders in my body. Without doubt. With one of them I was able to guide them to the exact spot based solely on my pain. And to add to the drama, my blood pressure was 204/108. The nurse thought they would cancel the procedure until a later date, but the doctor said, "No I don't want to do that." Why he said that I don't want to speculate.
Before I left to go to the medical center, I checked my email and there in my daily Bible verse email was this verse:
"They (the godly) do not fear bad news. They confidently trust the Lord to take care of them. They are confident and fearless.
Psalm 112:7-8a. NLT
Talk about "a word in time"!
Throughout these last two days I've been thinking a lot about this verse. You see, (and maybe you won't see)...my future is not so bright. I have a chronic crippling disease attacking my body (RA/PsA) and well as other conditions. My husband's health is failing. We owe way too much on our mortgage to be able to sell and the house is in great need of repair. There are other serious financial stresses. And each one of these situations causes me worry and fear. But what does that verse say? "They do not fear bad news....they are fearless and confident."
The bad news does not have to be that I have breast cancer. It could be that I will live and get hit (possibly) by disaster after disaster. And this verse says (my paraphrase) "Whether you are going to die or need a new septic tank....you will NOT FEAR because you have a God who loves you and will provide for you.
Here's another verse:
I have carried you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you always and I will save you
Isaiah 46:3b-4NLT (italics mine...just because that was cool)
Isn't that the most awesome verse you have ever heard??? I do not need to fear life and all of its problems and disasters, nor do I have to fear death...because I have full confidence about the fact that I will spend Eternity with my Lord and fellow believers in God's Kingdom---never feeling pain, weakness, disability, need, hunger, homelessness EVER again.
I'll be honest, this is going to take more than a couple of days to digest. I've spent most of my life hiding these fears...but they kept coming up over and over, making me anxious, fearful, and keeping me from fully participating in the life God has given me here on earth. I've always wanted to skip the stuff in the middle of birth and death and go straight to my eternal destination.
I know that somehow I need to wrap my head around these verses and spend time in prayer asking God to make these promises real to me. BTW: because God has promised to care for me and carry me, does not mean that I will never have pain or need a new roof. But he does promise to meet my needs and to shelter and guide me through the foibles of this life. And sometimes that simply means to give me the peace, implacability, stalwartness and inner reserves to face these things as they come. I want to meditate on this some more before I go tomorrow to get the results of my biopsies. Are you, too, as afraid of life as you are of death? I hope these verses shine some light into your darkness.
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