Well it's three days after Christmas. My dad was here for Christmas Dinner which I think everyone enjoyed....but for me, the most predominant emotion for the day was sadness. Family stresses...made my soul sink to my soles. Plus, in addition, it was our first Christmas without mom here. The day after Christmas I still - at first - had that bowling-ball-in-my-chest feeling that was so horribly familiar to me....like I was being weighed down by a great burden that I couldn't shake. I tried not to let anyone see...but my daughter saw. When she left the next day she said "I'm sorry mom, that you had a sad Christmas."
So the next day I wrote a blog post. A vile, sarcastic, self-pitying post that a short time later, as a re-read it, I could see a number of less than laudatory characteristics. SO I deleted it. But some of you, I know, saw it. NO ONE likes to be around a person who is a raincloud. And I didn't like myself in that role either. So, by the grace of God and an exertion of will, I rallied. The bowling ball was loosed and went off to bother some other unfortunate person.
I don't know what makes the difference between this week and 30-35 years ago. Why was I able to rally this time? Is it the life-saver medicine I take for depression (Welbutrin)? Or have I learned a thing or two about taking control of my choices? I think it is probably both. I don't think it is possible to evade some bad days. But I don't NEED to live there! And therefore, I will NOT. There is nothing attractive, artistic, appealing or endearing about someone who lives in the dumps. Maybe I used to think there was. But now I know better.
And there is one REALLY good piece of news!! We met our goal on GoFundMe to earn money for my brother in law to pay his back bills as he recovers from a long illness. He was on the brink of disaster with power and phone turned off and a landlord who wanted to be paid. We raised a total of $2200 which I will be sending to Rob today.
Thank you to all who pitched in on this effort. I know no one has spare money around Christmas but you all dug deep and gave out of your hearts to a friend.