Today I was thinking of mom and of my pending birthday sandwiched smack in the middle of the holidays....thinking of the treats she would cook for Christmas...There were three types of cookies that she would make every year. I think even last year, in her weakness and pain, she made these treats (and I can't forget the spiced walnuts).
Mom always made sure I had a birthday cake and she and my dad would visit, giving me their gift and enjoying the cake and each other.
I was thinking, "Who is there who will pursue these traditions ? Who will keep them alive? What traditions do I have?
I always make gingerbread men that my daughter decorates with an obscene amount of icing. And up until maybe a year or two ago I would make chocolate almond biscotti. Who will carry on my traditions? But my mom's are exceptionally sad...these cookies were a tradition in her family and now there is no one, except my daughter who has not displayed a great interest in cooking or baking.
I was thinking that maybe I would, in memorium to mom, make some of her recipes this year.....If I do it a step at a time and rest in between, maybe I can battle pain and weakness enough to get them done.
My husband asked me if I put up a small Christmas tree, and decorated it, would it help me to feel less sad. I didn't think so at first....but now, I'm rethinking that. I just wish I could get a bigger tree than the tiny fiber optic tree we have now; something big enough to support some of our favorite ornaments. I will need help with this. And maybe it is all a wasted effort. It's just that, when I think of mom's house as it normally was on Christmas and of the wonderful three Christmas Eve's we've spent there in the recent past, I know that anything I would come up with would pale in comparison.
Maybe it's just not worth the effort. She's gone. It's gone. (the end of an era. along with my motivation)