Pain and Sorrow

There's a lot to say in this post.   I will make a list with bullets and then discuss them after that.

• My mom has been in the hospital or nursing home for many weeks now...not sure if it's one or two months. She was scheduled to come home Friday.
• Mom came down with what they thought was a flare of her COPD so they re-admitted her to the hospital yesterday.
• Turns out she has the flu and Congestive Heart Failure (CHF). This is caused by fluid surrounding the heart preventing it to beat efficiently.
• I went to church Sunday
• Pain was horrific and I left as quickly as I could after the sermon and communion.
• Yesterday I had a Rheumatology appointment.  I need 5 or possibly 6 joint surgeries.
• I desperately need transportation to one of the surgeon's offices 

 Yesterday all of this was weighing on me heavily.  I felt that mom maybe wouldn't make it through this--and that is the first time I've really felt that.  All through her Sepsis illness, I was pretty sure she would make it through.  Now? I don't know.  For the first time, yesterday, I considered how I'm going to feel when her life on this world is over.  I don't want to "go there"....And I know my own grief will not - most likely- be as intense as my dad' will.  It will hurt me incredibly to see him in this pain of sorrow.

And the surgeries?  I just want to roll over and die.  I am feeling very short of fortitude.  I feel ill-equipped to have to "come back" each time in recovery.....all that pain, yet to walk through.  I didn't sign up for this illness.  I don't want it.  I look at other people's lives.  Hiking in the woods and posting pics on Facebook of the beautiful places they go.  Knitting. Working.  Going to the gym---these are dark places of sadness and mourning that I normally keep at arm's distance.  But the stress of things happening in my life is bringing some of these unwanted emotions into my thoughts and heart.

I know that God is in control. But I feel like I'm on a wild roller-coaster ride and am not sure I will survive it.  I feel like I desperately need a hug and someone to be there for me....and there really is no one.

Pastor said on Sunday (preaching on Hebrews 3) that God's own people can be blinded by unbelief and cause God to withhold blessings, such as entering the Promised Land.  Instead they all died in the desert. For 40 years they saw God's miracles and still refused to believe Him and that He will be true to His promises. What are some of His promises to me?

1. I will never leave you nor forsake you. (this is a biggie) Heb 13:5
2. All things work for the good of those committed to transformation into Christ's character. (Rom 8:28)
3. "I am the Lord your God...--Is anything too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 32:27)
4. There is coming a time---for mom and for me--when he will wipe the tears from our eyes and eradicate all pain forever. (Rev. 21:4)
5. He will not crush a bruised reed or put out a flickering wick..(Isa 42:3)
6. My tears (and my pain) are precious to Him. (Ps 56:8)
7. I am His beloved. (Song of Solomon)
8. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted  And saves those who are crushed in spirit (Ps 34:18)
9. The righteous cry, and the Lord hears
   And delivers them out of all their troubles.(Ps 34:17) 
10. But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing. (Ps 34:10)   
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13. These verses have brought me great comfort.  They show me that God is merciful. He puts up with our sadness and brokenness and has the plans in motion to end all of that forever.  The key is to not wander into unbelief and to blame God for any of  your (my) difficulties.  It is important to read the above promises and to  BELIEVE them. Sadness and sorrow are not sinful.  They are not "poor choices"....they are a part of our DNA as human beings.  Jesus himself was described as a "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief"--It is true that we don't want to dig ourselves a ditch and lie down in it.....We are to go on. In fact Paul says "Rejoice in the Lord  always, and again I say 'REJOICE'"  I don't know about you but when I read the promises above I felt some joy. I felt glad that my God is not a stranger to pain and sadness.  He came to this planet just to learn what that experience feels like--and He did that out of His great love for me.