Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

When He is all I Have....

This is the tail end of Wednesday.  I got home from the hospital on Friday.   Today is the first day I bothered getting dressed.  I had a psych appt. this AM and then my case manager and I went out to breakfast.   And then, this afternoon, my friend Ralph took me to get a pedicure and a haircut.  My feet are in tootsie heaven.  They were in BAD shape and now are sporting  turquoise polish (which will go with my Easter dress and it's peacock colors).  So that's the good news.  Why then am I now struggling not to cry?

Today is my first day off of the steroids. I had been tapering down slowly so my blood levels have been dropping.  And today.  I am SLAMMED back to the floor by PsA pain (psoriatic arthritis).  I think that the steroid taper has prompted a flare of PsA. I hurt.  Every square inch of me hurts.  I just had major surgery  and that pain is NOTHING compared to the intensity of the PsA. It's amazing how quickly you can adapt to being fairly comfortable painwise.....the brutal struggle I was in daily , faded to an unpleasant memory.  I bought a couple of fountain pens and was delighted by the fact that I could hold them and even write legibly. And  today I could barely hold a pen.

I am sad.
I am hurting.
I feel trapped.

I don't want this.  ANY MORE.
But God did not consult with me when he was coming  up with my game plan.
My dad had commented on the ease with which I came up the deck steps on my initial trip when I got home from the hospital.  yes.    Hip replacement surgery was no problem....compared to PsA.     Tonight pain is intense.  Crippling.  I doubt I will get any sleep. I took two pain pills and found they did nothing. My friends online are all tucked into their beds, sleeping peacefully.

I will not have a pity party (Oh,? you thought that's  what this was??) I will seek comfort from Jesus.  I will work on memorizing a chapter or two. and I will plead with him for some relief.....and maybe I will move his heart to grant me sleep.

I do say ...that sometimes, when I feel my worst, my time with Jesus is sweetest.    When he is all I have; he is all I need.When I was lying in my hospital bed with a dislocated hip for that interminable 48  hours, I kept finding myself asking Jesus, "Why, Lord?"  I didn't really expect an answer.  His reasons are "past finding out" and he is under no obligation to us to explain himself. I'm not even sure why that question crossed my mind, but there it was and I don't think he minded it being there.

Yesterday God gave me two amazing answers to prayer. (funny we don't question those)  and I accepted them gratefully.    Shall we accept good from the hand of God and not hardship?  No ...it's a package deal.     I do not have any real point to make other than to say, "HE IS GOD----AND I AM NOT."     And Lord, I am your vessel.  Your jar of pain ready to be poured out as  a sacrifice. May the fragrance I leave be sweet.   May I honor him in the way I handle hardship and may I honor him when he blesses me.
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