Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

A Turn Around

As you may know, I  got out of the hospital a week ago after two weeks in....when I was admitted for asthma and treated with  IV steroids and then also had hip surgery following a dislocation.  Well, if you don't know, steroids are the treatment of choice for RA and PsA pain but because steroids are so toxic they can really only be used either in really low doses or for limited amounts of time.  So whenever I'm in for asthma it' s a real vacation from pain. 

During this stay I got interested in fountain pens again....and also began to harbor plans for doing some artwork....I even ordered some supplies.   Then: I came home and got off of the steroids....and O  sweet Jesus, help me....pain was and is horrific.  I look at the stuff I bought....and it just makes me MAD.  What was I thinking?  How could I have so easily been lured into thinking my hands were okay?

My whole body hurts.....the pain in my feet is back.  It is agony to stand from sitting in my recliner and that is using the electric lift chair. I don't feel like doing anything.  All my interest in art and pens now seems like a mockery.  I cannot imagine doing any artwork.  My tablet is sitting here. My last one malfunctioned and they sent me a new one. Have I used it?  Other than a quick scribble to make sure it works, no I haven't.

This pain has sucked all the life and interest from me for any topic. I don't want to do anything.  It just sucks.  I know I am airing out a horrible attitude.  Normally I do not have much sympathy for people online who do nothing but moan and groan about medical difficulties.  It is not like me to feel so low about things.  It's just that for a week,I had a glimpse of a life that I have lost.  And it was a tease.And now I am mourning my losses all over again.

I still like my fountain pens and will use them even if I can't write legibly.  But artwork? I doubt that I will be able to create anything worth looking at...and it just makes me too sad.  Renoir had terrible arthritis and strapped paintbrushes to his arms and created GIGANTIC canvases to accommodate for his loss of dexterity.....I admire his attitude. I also admire the gardens he owned which could handle those large canvases.  I wish I knew if Joni E. Tada still does artwork when her pain is raging.  I don't see how it is possible. If she had TMJ in her jaw, would she still clench a drawing or painting utensil in her mouth?  Because that is what I'm dealing with.   Hands that HURT and can barely pick up a pen let alone draw with one.

ok enough self pity.
Yes I hurt
Yes it sucks
But for some reason, this is the path God has me walking.  And groaning about it will not help me in any way.  Jesus has me sharing the suffering of the cross....and if I can taste an intimacy with him through that which I might not have otherwise, then it will be worth it. 



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