Unspoken: I Lift my Life Up

Friday, May 8, 2015

Oh, to have a Second Chance!

It' s mom's day this Sunday.  I am both a mom and a daughter.  There are some regrets lurking in my heart...maybe if I drag them out into the light they will lose their power to "guiltify" me.

First in my role as a mom:
  1. . I wish that I'd known what was going on in my little one's troubled, frightened mind. I knew she was insecure and had one phobia after another.  But I didn't know how deeply she was suffering.  Her clinging to me was her way of demonstrating her need of help or at least compassion.  I just knew that it was hard to do housework with a little one attached to my leg.  Her phobias led me to use some creative measures to try to empower her against these fears.  And most of the time my ideas worked....but as soon as we would get the victory over one, there was always one waiting in the wings..
  2.   I wish I'd know of the frightening BULLY tactics used by her Sunday School teachers when she was young.  Her teachers were all relatively new Christians who had no place teaching a class of impressionable minds and using object lessons that my daughter interpreted in a very negative way.  It was largely due to these fumbling idiocies  my daughter decided that God was a bully who delighted in causing us pain.
  3. I wish I would have stopped my busyness and really focused on spending time with my daughter...It was so hard to have a career and hobbies and to make sure the little one got enough of my time, especially when she had no way at ALL of amusing her self when not in front of the TV.  She was terrified to be alone.
  4. As she grew, the problems grew also.  I will not give you more information than that because it would intrude on her privacy....leave it to say, many nights I cried in to my pillow, not knowing where she was or if she was safe.
  5. I wish I had tried harder to get her to memorize Scripture back when her mind and heart were hungry sponges. Or read to her Bible stories.  It hurts to admit this but I failed in raising my daughter in the Faith because I decided to obey my husband's wishes instead.  This was a huge error.  I only pray that she sees my faith practiced and will learn from the Bible of my life and writings.
ok no more regrets....

  • I loved the way she played with my ear when I was holding her and sucked her other thumb.  It was such a special bond between us.
  • I love the fact that she is as talented or more talented than I am in Art., drawing and painting.  It was something we used to do together until I got too crippled to be able to maintain my creative ventures.
  • She is incredibly beautiful....no wonder she always had a lineup of guys after her attentions.
  • I'm proud of her. She has come a long way from the dark days of her late teens and very early 20's.  
  • this is a dysfunctional family --it may take some more time but I pray she will get her distance and put it behind her.  ---while still maintaining contact.   I'm not saying I don't want to see her anymore.
All in all. I would not have chosen anyone else to have as a daughter.  There 's a lot I understand in hindsight but I cannot torture myself for not being perfect.

Anyway.  HAPPY MOM's DAY, ME!!


 
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