Unspoken: I Lift my Life Up

Friday, February 27, 2015

What's on this Bat's Radar?




I went to my ophthalmologist yesterday.  About a year ago I was diagnosed with glaucoma.  I wondered if maybe he made a mistake.  I felt fine. I mean I've suffered with double vision for a while now and without my glasses I'm blind as  a bat (but I still go without them around the house).  But when I finally decided (a year later) to follow my optometrist's  insistence that I go to an eye specialist, the doctor examined me and finally told me, "your eye pressures are so high that I cannot let you leave the office.  We have to do laser surgery today."  So that day he cut  channels with a laser into my eyes to relieve the pressure.  But he assured me that he thought my vision could be saved....at least for quite a while.

So I have notice more and more that I'm getting tunnel vision...and went yesterday for another field vision exam.  I saw the pictures that were the result.  It was clear that my vision is reduced to a small area in the center of my eye.  The doctor told me that my center vision was pretty good and he thought if I continue taking the drops and we keep the  eye pressure down, my central vision could be saved...for a while. 

I thought of the conversation I had with one of the bus drivers who took me to a doctor's appointment this past week.  He said "I've had glaucoma for 50 years.  I take my drops and get examined every couple of years and I'm fine."  So I've done that...taken my eye drops and followed up with the doctor.   Why am I NOT fine?

I don't want to be blind.  I mean no one wants to be blind.  But I find the idea terrifying.  I love to read....REALLY love it.  And  I'm an artist.  I can't go blind!!  And anyway.  I might also end up in a wheelchair.   Sounds like nursing home material to me...only. Yeah. we can't afford a nursing home.  I don't know what the options are.  But from where I'm sitting,  I don't see a whole lot of them.

I know there are schools for the blind where they teach you how to get around and read braille. Are these only for young people?  And does insurance pay for that?  Can I learn to read Braille with peripheral neuropathy and numbness in my hands? "O Lord. Please bring me home to your Kingdom before all of this transpires."  I know maybe that is escapist and cowardly....but I just feel like my cup of suffering is full: there just isn't any room for more.

This is partly why I have been working so hard at memorizing Scripture.  Bible memorization has always been important to me even as a child.  At least, if I am to be sitting in darkness,  I will be able to meditate on the Scripture I know.  Of course my short term memory is severely damaged by ECT...I've been trying to repair it by memorizing.  I feel the urgent need to learn as much as possible....but it's so hard when my mind won't hold anything for longer than a couple of minutes.

Lord, my life, my eyes, my body...all  my joints and organs are all in your hands to do with as you plan...help me to have a yielding, accepting spirit.  You made my eyes. You granted me sight for 52 years (and I thank you for that) and now it is yours to take if that is your will for me. I know that when you take something, you always give blessing back to us, pressed down, shaken together.  Help me not to allow bitterness to  take root in my spirit. I do ask for healing God.  That is not beyond you.  Regardless of the path you take me on, I love you and will continue to love  you.  I willfully yield my body and spirit to you to do as you wish, trusting that that will only mean blessing for me.Thank you for the promise of heaven and a restored /brand new body!  I can't wait but help me while I wait to bring honor to you by the way I use this body in the here and now.  Amen
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