Unspoken: I Lift my Life Up

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Self Love=Tough Self Talk

I wrote a blog for Spark People ( a healthy living site) and in the blog  I pledged to follow a number of specific plans to live healthfully and to promote self care or self-respect....For example, because of the clumsiness of my hands due to RA/PsA I frequently spill food down my front. Consequently (and also due to the fact that my husband does my laundry and never pre-treats spots or anything like that)  my shirts often are stained....I think I am going to buy some hand towels and sew a tie -on so that I can tie it around my neck and have a sort of  an adult bib. (I would only use these  in the privacy of my own house.)  So one of my self-care measures would be to protect my clothing from stains.  Another one is to brush my teeth at LEAST twice and preferably 3x a day--this is necessary because I have Sjogrens and do not produce much saliva so my food just sits on my teeth and rots them...  

Another goal is to purchase underwear that fits and is of decent quality and to throw out all the ones that are in bad shape.  I also planned to shower daily instead of three times a week.  This goal is really only essential if I carry out the next goal which is to exercise daily.  And also I promised myself to stop the negative self-talk....I don't need to be my own chorus of haters.  And then I promised myself to stop being the Food Gestapo.  Just eat healthfully and things will fall in to place.  Not having  junk around the house works wonders also.  And then I told myself I would try to stay in bed longer and sleep later.  I'm often up for the night at 1:00 AM and even though I go to bed at 7:00, this RA-body needs more sleep than that.

And then I want to work harder at writing articles and attempting to get them published. And similarly I would like to put the graphics software on to my computer that links up with my graphics tablet and maybe start to do some drawing/painting again.  

Now all of these ideas sound laudable.  However only if you have SZ can you begin to comprehend how difficult  impossible this stuff is.  Each objective is commendable....however they are also difficult beyond estimation. I know that here too, as in my weightloss/exercise aspirations, I will only be able to expect baby steps from myself.  I simply do not have the initiative to tackle things en masse. 

Is it a matter of thinking lowly of myself?  I don't think that that is the cause of the problems.  Rather it is the consequence of them.  I  don't have the energy or motivation to shower and exercise and cook healthy meals each day.  And because of that I lecture and despise myself.  Each axiom discourages me and drains me of ambition.  And each failure starts up the tape recorder of negative self talk.  I think I need to pick ONE of the tenets each day  and carry it out and then reward myself in some (non-food) way and I need to bestow adequate accolades as well.  Anything I can make myself accomplish is one step closer to where I want to be and one step farther from where I am now.

I have been regularly keeping  up with Scripture reading and Bible memory since Jan 01,2015 and that is more important than the cleanest undies in the world!  I have also written a two part set of articles and I am currently looking for places to submit them.  I need to really read the book I have on query letters and to study up on that.  Honestly, the "writing life" in its most serious guise, scares the  you-know-what out of me.  I do not feel anywhere near as self motivated as one must be...nor do I have a zealous don't-take-no-for-an-answer attitude.  And this seems to be a prerequisite.  Marlene Bagnull submitted her manuscript to over 40 publishers and was rejected by them all!  And then came the magical acceptance letter and now, 8 books and two annual writers' conferences later, she is a well known name in writing circles.

But you  see,  I don't really feel that I have the mental or physical stamina to pursue a life of writing.  I don't even know if I have the desire for one.  I have MOUNTAINS of material....tons of articles and poetry...tons of 3x5" cards with notes from books I've read.  And I have the book that is finished and bringing in rave verbal and written reviews....And I want to climb head first into a coal mine shaft and not come out.  

Maybe I need to break it down into smaller increments.  For example: Read one page in the query/proposal instructional book per day.  (or maybe even 5 pages)...and write one day's devotion for my next book idea I'm working on per day.  And then put it away.  Put away all my other fears....Put away all the bigger goals...put away the 2014 Christian Writer's Guide (isn't anyone going to publish a 2015 edition?) and then - it won't get done in a day, but I can at least know that progress is being made; I can go to bed at night knowing that I have taken several more baby steps in the right direction. 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step--and if I cannot find the courage to take that step....I will be staying right where I am.
Post a Comment