Bring the Rain, By: Mercy Me

Monday, January 19, 2015

The Other Side of Aloneness

I just read a quote by Henri Nouwen that really profoundly struck me.  Here it is:
Finding Solitude
All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.
Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

These morning hours between 2:00 - 6:00 are lonely.  Or are they only alonely?(lol)  If I spend them communing with the solitary Lord, then they are redeemed and I am protected from the dangers of being lonely.  I remember years and years of being plagued by profound depression, psychosis and insomnia.  In those times I would often resort to self harm because I felt that not another person cared for me.  I felt isolated by the junk in my head, by the lies that the Voices in my head told me and I felt worthless and hopeless.  Back then God and I were not on speaking terms so I did not feel welcome to go to him for help, nor did I believe that if he did  exist, that he would be so kind as to heal me or even to give me some relief.

Now alone-ness often turns into solitude., times of prayer....but sometimes, like tonight I am restless and I know I need to pray;  just to call on him because he's right here waiting for the turn in my thoughts toward him, waiting for the whisper, "Help me!"

My room is inhabited by dark beings...I see dark shadows scurry across my floor and go under the bed or into the closet where they can hide and from whence they can make their dark attack in one of my unguarded moments.  I am not imagining this.. I just saw it and I know I'm vulnerable.  My time with God has been precious in  the morning...why do I not do my Quiet Time (Penuel)  now or even earlier?  I do not feel alert enough....But I could spend the time in prayer. What's that song "Sendin' out an SOS"  I had wanted to write an uplifting, challenging post and this one is rapidly going downhill.

So friends it's time for me to check on my sick daughter and then to find the Lord and to listen to him instead of to these Voices.

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