Unspoken: I Lift my Life Up

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Another Day--Another Symptom

What if every time you went to pray and closed your eyes, you saw something definitely unrelated to your current line of thought? What if when you  read your Bible instead of seeing the words therein, you heard someone pleading for help...or arguing...or just merely signing their mortgage?What if you saw images along with those words so that  you had  a sense of being transported to some other place and time?   Would  you think you were losing your mind? Or do you think that you have some glimpses into a different dimension? Maybe your life's calling is to save those whom you see are suffering there...or perhaps you are being pursued either by people in these images or by someone in your own dimension and some how your safety is in the other dimension.

I know these musings will disturb people and they will be worried about my sanity.  I know, logically that these are  most likely hallucinations and the idea that I need to save them is a delusion.  I KNOW that but I'm having a very hard time believing it...The images are so REAL and when I was in the hospital because of this very thing, back then they were simple flashes of scenes...Now they are mini dramas and they have sound now as well.
Do I need to be in the hospital? Is my safety somehow in jeopardy? I don't know.  I have a great sense of unease. My old psychiatrist expressed concern that one day I would get "stuck" inside one of these alternate realities....and not be able to find my way back. Now THAT is a scary thought!

Will these things pass if I ignore them?  Do I even have room in my dosage of medication, to bump it up another notch? will that even help?  I feel the need to talk to someone about it, but I know that, to do that, I will put into motion wheels that may just run me down flat.  I know my husband would want to handle it at home and merely give me extra meds.  But I have a new pDoc now and she may see differently.

To top it all off: my pain today is off the charts.  my hands feel like someone took  a sledgehammer to them.

So if I click the "Publish" button and quietly put this post out there....will it cause big waves that will knock me flat? Or will it go unnoticed?  Why do I feel the need to put it "out there"? Is it a cry for help?  Or is it to release a building pressure....somehow just by writing the words and having them read, maybe that will be enough to put the scale weights back into kilter and have everything balance once again.

I have to try that.  It's the only avenue for possible hope without the complete ,,,,ok...I can't even get through a sentence here without being"transported"....So ready? Here goes nothing...
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