Wonder- Hillsong United

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Pained Thought

As I have mentioned in the past Sparkpeople.com has been a big part of my life in my attempts to lose weight and regain strength.  IN the past several months it has been all I can do to drop in on the RAD team (Rheuatoid Autoimmune Disease) that I am one of  the leaders...and just update them on my current status and trying to encourage those there who are struggling.  It used to be a really active team with posts appearing every hour at least.  Lately though...it's been dead.  AS dead as my own attempts at a healthy lifestyle....And yesterday one of the members of rhat team wrote me an honest letter - the "tough love" approach.  She said that I am feeling self pity and that if I don' t get my act together I will die.  And to that statement I said something like "That would be okay with me:"
Unfortunately that statement was looked upon as though it were a suicidal threat.  Which it was not.  Not in any way shape or form.  AFter my last suicide attempt (you will have to read it in my book....I'm not going to explain it here.) I learned that my  life belongs to the Lord....he holds the calendar for my life and until he beckons me....I'm stuck here.  I look forward to heaven more than anyone I know does.  I cannot wait to see my beloved Lord and get into that new body.  I'm READY.  But I am not going to try to take my life out of God's hands.  I am His.

But the issue of self pity stuck to me....I do not feel like I am pitying myself.  I do what I have to do everyday  with the little bit of strength I have.  I am in pain.  I have accepted the fact that for as long as I live, I will have daily pain....and sometimes that pain is  excruciating.  It's a fact.  It is what it is.
I  have asthma which sends me into bronchospasm merely by walking across the living room.,,,I cannot exercise.  My pulmonologist told me if I exercise, I will die.  I'm not making that up.  it's a fact.  But I can do some stretches which I did  today following a Richard Simmons ancient VCR tape.  So I will try to do things like that.  Lifting arm weights although with two messed up elbows and two painful shoulders...that will not be easy  But I promised I would try it. So that's on for tomorrow.

I do not want to be thought of as someone who has given up and who pities themselves.  How do I avoid that/ Do i just stop talking about pain and how lousy I feel?  Just "suck it up"?In my life, I do  not talk about pain unless someone specifically asks me.  I do what I can and what i have to do.  I don't walk around moaning and kvetching.  Maybe in my writing on this team....because I look at it as a safe environment where I will not be derided or given a hard time.  It's a place where we can support each other.  But maybe some people think it's  a place to spread cheer and positive thinking.  Maybe we are just approaching the team from different directions.

Right now I'm in bad shape.  Maybe from the stretches today?  It's the only thing different.  I will keep plugging at it.
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