Unspoken: I Lift my Life Up

Friday, August 29, 2014

Perchance to Sleep

I  have edited this article.  I made some ridiculous statement about my daughter not caring about my situation.....That statement was false and cruel.  My daughter does care.  As she stated to me this morning, there is really NOTHING she can do to help or to change my circumstances.  If there WAS something she could do, she certainly would.  I don't know why I wrote that--I was feeling sorry for myself and took it out on her. I feel really badly about this now and want to erase those words from everyone's memory who saw them..  Alexa.  I love you.....and I do not have a doubt that you love me too.  Please forgive me.



Today I had an MD appointment with my GP/Pulmonologist.  My Case Manager, Maureen drove me.  I told Dr D about the horrific pain in my right lower side that has wakened me for the past three nights with excruciating pain..  And I told him of the numbness and itching pain that has attacked my right thigh.  The doctor said "I really do think they are both caused by the same thing: your arthritic spine. Cynthia there is nothing more anyone can do for you.  You should go home and just rest."

That's it?  That's his prescription? Rest?
GRanted that is all I've felt like doing however I never seem to fall asleep in my room ...usually it's at church, in a meeting, in the car.....while holding a cup of coffee and being on  the computer. (YEAH...you KNOW what happens then!!)

So today I wanted to cry.  Nothing anyone can do?  Well, granted he has not met my God.  But in this case I have to sigh a little bit because despite all my prayers for aid and healing; despite all the pastor's prayers, my parents' prayers, my congregations' prayers  I have not gotten better.  It seems like --like it or not;---this is where God has me.  And it LOOKS like this is where he will keep me until he grants me the mercy of it coming to an end and me meeting him for myself and getting that glorified body.  But who am I ? I'm just a hiker on this Appalachian Trail with all it's hard climbs, frigid temps and torpid swamps.  Funny to call myself a hiker when I can barely make it from my bedroom down a short hall to the living room.  But I'll bet you anything that the energy I spend and difficulty I have in getting to the living room equals or surpasses the hardest portions of the Appalachian Trail. (My friends son is on the last leg of completing the Trail so he may want to argue that point with me later.  However, my statement stands.

Yesterday I was happy. It seemed to  me that my right hand (the worst of the two) was improving.  Less swollen, less pain and I could sorta-kinda make a fist.  However.  Today not only does the right hand hurt worse...my LEFT hand is excruciatingly painful when I try to pick  up anything...even a sheet of paper.  OH LORD will you NEVER remove the weight of your Hand on my head.  You are pressing and pressing.  This clay pot is not going to withstand the pressure.

God's Word said "He placed the lonely in families."  but on the other hand, when this lonely wench got impatient ....and placed MYSELF in a family.  Well.  Let's just say I didn't know all the secrets that God knew....and I've been living with them ever since.  So now I have my church family.  And there are some REALLY lovely women I've been delighted to slightly get to know.  And they are very wonderful and not one of them laughed when I slept through prayer meeting last Wed..  Some of them have been coming  to my house for Tea.....and it's been lovely to get to know them.

But now.   What do I do?

Rest.

If only I could rest at the prescribed times to rest!  If only I could lock my cat in the basement so she would not continually try to wake me up!  If only pain would go to sleep too!!

REST
Lord, grant me rest.  Let me have this night. Just this ONE NIGHT to be a solid block of sleep.  Please Lord Jesus.  Help me to sleep.  "I lay down and sleep in peace for the Lord God is with me"  I think that's how that Psalm goes.  If not it's a loose paraphrase.

But do I have to rest in the day time too?  Can I no longer work in my garden ....cook a meal that requires a recipe...???  Lord, if I can no longer enjoy such things....would you awaken my dormant
memory and help me to recall past pleasures?  It's terrible not being able to recall years past. (I lost many years of memories from ECT)....Help me to remember Lord. I still remember roller blading.  The wind in my hair, the speed skating arm swing....the absolute joy and freedom.  UNTIL.....after having steroid myopathy and becoming  weaker than I knew, I took a huge tumble and hurt myself ---not seriously--but enough to know that my blading days were over.  I do believe I will once again be able to blade in the Kingdom.

Anyway. I'm grateful to have that one memory anyway.
I'm off to sleep ...to dream. Perchance to sleep.
Post a Comment