Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Whiner or Shiner?

I will make this quick because three friends are arriving at noon to visit.
This morning I had a real pity party.  My husband doesn't talk to me unless it's to criticise or blame.  My daughter is more often at her boyfriend's house than she is here.  Is that normal?  Probably but I do not get a lot of help...She would deny that angrily.  but Im just sayin.

I was chatting on my brand new computer with a friend who was concerned at the fact that I've been holed  up here in my house. For two weeks I did not have a computer as my Toshiba bit the dust.  BUT Praise God, I had the Kindle Fire so all was not lost...just all was not convenient.  Then my friend this morning told me "You have to force yourself to get out.  You will hole up there and die."  I know she's right but it hurts.  And I know I'm depressed.  I know that my bravery is in jeopardy.  And  when it goes, I will be left with not much on my side. What is that verse about God being on our side?  Well I couldn't find that one but what about this one: If God is for us, WHO can be against us?  And that "who" includes my husband.  The Lord is my husband and in his eyes I  am beautiful.  But you know what?   A whiny self pitying bride is not one any man would want.  And I don' t think I'm too attractive to God that way.  THIS way.

God brought me two phone calls from a sister who is in her 80's and who recently gave up her beloved but very old and broken down car....SHE called to cheer ME up.  And then today three ladies from church are coming at noon for a visit.  I am very happy they are coming but they will have to "excuse me while I put on my face."  Not makeup.  Not a false face...a REPROVED face.  I got a good look at myself this morning.  And the truth is that I'm holing up to die.    I'm giving up.  I am not making any effort to get myself out of an unloving harmful marriage.  I am not exercising. And I desperately need to start doing something.

I am in pain. Bad pain. Pain that changes and worsens daily .  And I have withdrawn from my life.  I have shut and locked the doors.  When people have parties and don't invite me....my feelings get hurt even if my going there would be impossible...painful for me...and inconvenient to the hosts.  I need to understand that.  Just moments ago on of the hostesses called me up and apologized for neglecting me but she has more on her plate than she can take care of and I need to understand that.  BUT (and this is the hard part for me) SHE IS STILL MY FRIEND. Even if she doesn't have a clue about what it feels like to be me.

So God saw my despair this morning and he sent me a bunch of messages from friends.  And three more friends will be here in a few moments. DO you think I can manage to put aside my whining and put on a cheerful face?  Do you think I can sing God praises at the love he's shown to me today?  I  must otherwise I will be an impossibly wet blanket and a neglector of praise. I want my home to be a cheerful place welcoming to friends.  Otherwise it will be very soon that I am neglected for real. Chin up sister Cynthia.  Put a smile on.....
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