Unspoken: I Lift my Life Up

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Undressing

The following is a letter I wrote to a friend who also has autoimmune diseases. I thought you might find it interesting.

Dear SK,
I used to make jewelery  and also stamped cards etc...I had  a TON of stamps, papers,  inks, cutters, Fiskers  etc.  The jewelry  stuff I gave to my daughter's friend and the stamp supplies I sent to my aunt.  She is getting  up there in age but she makes the most beautiful cards I've ever seen.  My embroidery floss went to make bracelets for my daughter and her friends.  My roller blades went to my daughter's friend since my daughter had no interest.  I cried the day I gave those away.

My art supplies have gone to my daughter who s VERY talented....still what a heart break that was!
So the only thing I have left are about a thousand books....and a ton of equipment ...commode, canes, walkers etc etc.  Wouldn;t I LOVE to give all that stuff away! (not the books....obviously)! I do have my   graphics tablet left. I really should pick it up and use it.

It is so sad to divest.  We must ask the question,"Who am I apart from all that "stuff"??" It's hard to answer that.I guess it's like a retirement crisis..."Who am I apart from this job I've gone to  every day for twenty years.?"  Only it's worse than that because every possible answer to that  question is also not possible.....We can't simply replace our career with leisure activities....We do not want to be a professional patient....There  HAS to be something else...but for the life of me I don' t know what it is.

I've written a book....and a bunch of poems and articles.....I know they are good but I don't have the energy to pursue  publication..  I thought maybe self publishing would be less stressful....but I don't have the money to use for that, And there are many days when I  cannot type...my hands simply hurt too much for that.
I feel lost amongst the "used to be's"  I am too young to have to face these questions.. I should NOT have to be investigating nursing homes and  home care....

Anyway. There you have it. I've given away my life because it no longer fit me...just like all my "skinny clothes"--(I haven't given those all away yet but a lot of them  I have.) But I really do need to invest in some proverbial new "fat clothes" simply because it doesn't "do" to walk around stark naked.
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