How Great is Our God in HEBREW,

Saturday, September 7, 2013

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Lose

I used to love a challenge.  It was that chutzpah that showed when I was interviewed for a position in a  large company--for which I really had very little training but later my supervisor told me that it was my self-confidence that won me the job.  She said I acted like there was nothing I couldn't do.  That was because in my fairly young life, I did not fail at things.  I only excelled.  Until my brain blew some fuses shortly after that job was ended (it was a temporary position)...I managed to get one more college year under my belt while all hell was breaking loose in my head.  None the less I left the school with a 4.0

My mom told me once "you can't learn to knit from  a book!  Well I had a book on how to knit for left handed people.  So I studied the book and I began to knit.  I even designed my own complex sweaters...why? Because I'd been told I couldn't do do it I did.

In subsequent years my brain changed.  The doctors did CT Scans of my brain and said it showed evidence of atrophy.  In New Haven CT where I lived an worked on my own, I was hospitalized and the doctors did many tests on my brain. The told me there was "evidence of a formerly prodigious intellect."  When they told me that, my heart sank.  Not only was the disease taking away all pleasure from my life, it was also sapping my intelligence...and that made me very sad...I did recover to a fairly good level of ability but it took a long time.  And then once again the rug was pulled out from under my feet  and I had a major psychotic episode  and from that time on, I was never again the same  This occurred in 2007-2010 during which time I had 15 treatments of ECT (ElectraConvulsive Therapy.) and those treatments marred my psyche forever.  No longer could I remember things I lost my ability to use logic to figure out problems.

I am still blindsided by this difficulty.  Words escape me.  Tasks befuddle me.  I could do something and then five minutes later not be able to recall it....So a couple of months ago, I made a for me, one for my daughter and one for a friend.  Then I made two bolster pillows.  however, socks confused the heck out of me.. I tore the same sock out about 4 times.  Then I went on to try a scarf that looked very pretty ...the yarn was about $13 for the one skein and I simply could not keep track of the pattern and the counting.  I cannot remember from one row to the next where i was in the pattern.  I bought  lot of yarn.  A lot of patterns, all the needles.  And my heart is sad because I feel defeated by it.  I need a success.  But anything more difficult than a stockingette stitch will be a failure most likely.

My self confidence is waning.  I need a success.  I have two boxes of yarn..I heard of an organization who is making prayer shawls for people in a local nursing home.  They are accepting donations of yarn. Maybe I should give it all away.  But how sad that would be for me. Another part of my life goes down the drain.  Maybe I just need to find a small , easy project.  A cowl, a shawl, a scarf,

I also need to read a little more  I have been reading sporadically...five books at a time. A little here; a little there
My husband says that since these last two hospitalizations I have not returned to "baseline"-- and I know that this is true.  I have trouble finding words.  Have trouble with logic.  Simple things like figuring out times and schedules....even finding words or spelling  --All the things that used to be so effortless now are a horrible struggle.  I knew that Schizophrenia is a brain disease....but  I never realized the extent to which the damage occurs.  It's not only hallucinations or delusional thinking.  It is literally eating my brain away and there is nothing I can do about it.
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