In the space of a day or two, two different people made similar comments to me. ..Unsolicited. One of them said "your life is not over--you still have a lot to do." And the other person said "You have a lot to do for God. He has great things for you to accomplish." The first person spoke specificably about about my writing....that I still have a lot I have to to say. That struck me as so odd because just the other day I was thinking disparagingly about my writing: that I have nothing more to say. I had given one of the women the URL for my art and poetry website (Soul Strains) and she was amazed by my poetry....she made me feel wonderful by what she said.
I would love to get a book together of my poetry and possibly some of my artwork. My friend today called me a "poetress"--which regardless of whether or not that is a legitimate title,--was very appealing.
I have anticipated that I would not live long after 50. This December I will be 51. My father once told me that he didn't think I would live to be 50. My life right now is uneventful and really sort of pointless. I try to give my life meaning by praying and interceding for people...but I have not been as disciplined in that as I would like to be. I used to study my Bible and wrote many articles based on my studies....If I were disciplined about that it's possible that I could get some of those published. I would very much like to get a book of poetry published. And there's nothing stopping me from pursuing these things....Nothing but laziness. Laziness and a persistent niggling fear that nothing I have created is of significance or worth.
My parents, throughout my years growing up never EVER complimented me or told me I was beautiful, talented, or smart. Years later I was told all three things....but it was too late. Self hatred and self doubt had taken hold. My parents told me they did not want me to get conceited which is why their lack of affirmation of my qualities. Well not only was I not conceited...I was ignorant of my beauty, intelligence or skill...and when people tried to tell me about them, I did not believe that they knew what they were talking about.
So now, when it comes to taking a chance on my talent....I am terrified to do it, sure that I will fail. I really do need a plan of action...I should set aside a certain block of time daily or a couple times a week just for research and writing. And one day a week I should research where and how to go about getting published more often.
If I were to be doing these things, I think that I would feel less useless. And it is just possible--that God wants to use me for his mouth piece. And me? I would like nothing more.