Phil Wickham When My Heart is Torn Asunder

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

My Norrmal


So on Sunday, I was talking to our worship leader at church.  He commented on how well I'm getting around: no cane or walker.  "So" he said, "Are things pretty much back to normal? Are you back to your normal schedule?  I knew what he was thinking and where he was going.  He thought, "you're all better now, right?  There's nothing more in your way."  I didn't know how to answer him.  First of all, what is my "normal schedule"??  Does he mean am I back to rollerblading, power walking, and working a 7-3 shift at the hospital?  No.  That normal schedule is over and done with.  Finite.  Done forever.  This body will never again be able to do any one of those things.

So did he mean I'm back to my normal schedule of sitting in my recliner on my laptop, occasionally knitting or going to see a doctor. Well yes, I am.  But it doesn't make sense to say I'm "back to it" because I never left it.  Now it's true, I no longer have Physical Therapy come to my house nor the homecare nurse.  But I don't know.  Maybe I read too much into his question.


But I think it's a question that everyone has whenever they see me walking without an aide.  The fact is that when I walk without an aide is because the cane hurts my shoulders terribly and isn't worth the pain  By back to normal, do people think I"m "without pain?"  OH HOW MUCH I WISH THAT WERE THE CASE!!  But folks.  Pain is here to stay.  I don't know how to describe it, except to say that it's worse than probably anything you'll ever experience, God willing.  There is  never a day, an hour or a minute where at least five body parts are not screaming in unison.  There is never a moment when my spine is not being crushed by the weigh of my skull causing shooting pain down my arm and numbness in my hands  There is never a moment when my hands and shoulders and elbows do not throb.  Opening a bottle of water hurts...even if it's already been opened  Sitting in a chair hurts.  Lying down hurts.  Standing up hurts.  Walking across the floor is excruciating on my feet. I can't get away from it.  I cannot relieve it.

So that is my normal.  Am I "back " to that normal.  Yes.  In fact I never left it.
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