My mom is in the hospital. She has been having an ongoing battle with A Fib...a heart rhythm that her heart keeps sliding into that is a non-rhythm. Her heart rates soar high and suck all the strength out of her. My mom has always been quiet about her faith. She never really had all that much to challenge her faith....except for me. She had all those years when all she could do was to pray that I was alive somewhere and taken care of. She had all those years of my illness when she didn't know if I would live or die. But she never had to walk through any deep waters of her own. They were always deep waters of my making.
Now,she lies in that hospital bed and her life is literally in God's hands. And in the moments when he should be closest to her....she questions. She wonders if maybe he's abandoned her. Her faith is wavering....and she wonders what the out come will be. I tried to tell her. "Mom, when it seems like he's the farthest away, He is the closest. He's holding you right in his hands. Your hospital bed is surrounded by his angels. Talk to him. he's there. Don't close your heart to him in anger. Open your eyes and see him there. Loving you. Caring for you."
My faith has been tried by fire. There were many years when I shut my heart to the voice of God. Years when I pushed his embraces away. And then there were years when I pursued him. When I read all I could and prayed constantly and FELT his presence. There were years when illness tried to have me. And the Lord kept me intact. And now, when people in my life are struggling.....I can only pray for them. And trust that he will hear those prayers.
We all have our Bethel. Our times of encountering angels ascending and descending to heaven. Our times of struggle with God where we cling to him and refuse to let go until he blesses us. What makes you encounter God most intimately? Is it blessing? or is it struggle? For me both seasons have had their benefits. But struggle is sometimes necessary. There are times when we must hold on with all our might....even though he lames us....and insist on his blessing. I think my mom is now in a struggle. If she walks away in the other direction.....she will lose out. But if she prevails....she will be blessed.
And me? Where am I?? I am just in the daily walk mode. When I have to remember his presence. Where I speak with him on behalf of the hurting ones in my life....and beg him for intervention on their parts. I am an intercessor right now. The wars being waged are not my own. They belong to others. But I am struggling with the LOrd on their behalf. I will not let you go until you BLESS THEM.