Audrey Assad, Even unto Death

Thursday, November 8, 2012

A Letter to my Recalcitrant Heatlh

I know it sounds odd but I need to write a letter to my bear with me.
Dear Health,
Ever since 2000 you have had the upper hand....reaching out to grab every germ that goes by to give me infection after infection.  Asthma complicated every one of those infections.  Pneumonias, encephala spinal meningitis  and endocarditis threatened my life.

Then you figured out a way to put my own body to work against itself...inflaming joints and eating up my cartilage.  Pain, which previously was only in my lower back, now spread to every inch of my body.  And it is a double whammy because the meds they use to keep you in check also caused more infections....and the doctors tell me that this may well be the end of me....

It seems to me that you've misbehaved long enough...You consumed a decade and a half of my life with physical ailments and three decades with mental illness.  You've thumbed your nose at suited doctors, surgeons, psychiatrists, and medication.  You've disregarded prayer---all prayers except for the prayers to keep me alive.  Those were my mother's and father's prayers--and those you respected....but sometimes I think  you only listened to those because once I'm dead,  your game will be over.

Why can't we work together?  Why can't  I work to regain my strength and have  you respect that effort?  Why must you be the wild eyed varmint hell bent on destruction and suffering?  Is there nothing you respect? What will you gain by putting me into a nursing home?  If I knew how to subdue you; I would.  If I knew how to coerce you; I would.  All I can do is to plead with you want attention?  Then let me get healthy.  Everyone KNOWS I'm sick ....Everyone is USED to me being doesn't grab anyone's attention or pity or concern..  But if you work with me to get well, THAT will get attention....  Is attention what you want?  You've been accused of that I'm sure by someone's secret gossip or unspoken thought.

I don't know what you want.  Me, I don't want any attention other than that of people who are astounded at how I've turned my health around.  But I don't know if you will allow it.  I only can request that you would concede and work with me to recover.  Recovery wouldn't mean that you would would mean that you would get stronger and more beautiful.  It would make you the heroine of the story instead of the villain.  Surely that must appeal to you.

I know that I can only do what I can only do.  Exercise.  Eat well.   Stay away from infected people.  Get lots of rest.  Beyond that, my health is in God's hands.  I know that I've written here as though it were in the devil's hands but that is not the truth.  Truth is that God is in control of everything that concerns me....and that everything that God does is good, perfect and beautiful.....even my poor health....because it is there to accomplish HIS plans and not my own.  I can ask God for good health.  I can work toward it....but if it doesn't come, it is NOT Satan's some church members I know would assert.  God is in charge of everything that concerns me.  He can use poor health for his glory just as he can use health and being healed.  So I guess what I would ask of you, health, is that you conform to the will of the Father and that you would grant me grace to accept the direction that that brings.  Help me, in whatever state I find myself, to give thanks and to bring honor to the Father and then I will have a healthy spirit regardless of the state of my body...and that is so much more important.
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