Friday, August 31, 2012
Owned and Completed.
When I'm straining to zip up a pair of pants that two years ago would have horrified me to even own--and finding even these way way too small for my girth...then I think to myself, "What are you doing here to yourself?" I tell myself then that I shall NOT eat that half gallon of ice cream with my name written on it in the freezer. I tell myself then that tomorrow I will get up early and exercise. And when I'm clicking that lovely "Place Order" button online to send my next possession speeding to my doorstep I tell myself, 'After this one last thing I will not order any more...I will save money instead'....and another month occurs when I not only do not save anything, but run out of money two weeks prior to the month's end. And am I any happier for owning this or that? NO. In fact they are forgotten almost as soon as they were gotten.
So what is the problem here? WHY am I eating too much? WHY am I buying too much??
I think partly the problem is loneliness. I have friends. Virtual ones. I have a husband who recently reminded me that that is "in name only. On paper only."
I have satisfactions. I've just misplaced them I think.
I watched the next to last session of John Piper's DVD series "When I Don't Desire God--How to fight for Joy" and felt pricked to the core. I have not desired God for a long time. I have desired to desire God. but that is an altogether different thing. That is like looking at the map and thinking you have arrived when you have not yet left. Just because I can SEE where I want to be; does not mean that I am there already.
I need something.
I need it desperately.
And once I find it...I will NOT need bowl after bowl of ice cream. NOR will I need to own everything I set my sights on. This God shaped vacuum in me MUST get filled....and I MUST find HIm to be my all in all; my truest treasure. And I desire that to be the case very very much. What is in my way....? The actual DOING of it. The feasting on that which will truly fill and delight me. The OWNERSHIP by the bit of God himself who has deigned to dwell in me. Note I said "ownership BY the God" for truly I cannot own God but must make sure that he owns me. Completely.