It is Well with my Soul BYU Vocal Point

Friday, August 31, 2012

Owned and Completed.

There is a trend in my life....it's the roll down the grassy hill to the pit of destruction that lies in wait at the bottom: it's the lie that whispers to me that joy is found in that next bowl of ice cream or in owning yet one more mp3 album. It's the whole stack of excuses I  can pull out of my sleeve why not to cook a healthy dinner and why not to work out on the recumbent bike.  It's so sneaky and subtle that it is even to be found HERE in this expose`  of it.  It's keeping me here talking about it rather than acting in a positive way to unmask it and put the pith and core of truth to work in my life.

When I'm straining to zip up a pair of pants that two  years ago would have horrified me to even own--and finding even these way way too small for my girth...then I think to myself, "What are  you doing here to yourself?" I tell myself then that I shall NOT eat that half gallon of ice cream with my name written on it in the freezer.  I tell myself then that tomorrow I will get up early and exercise. And when I'm clicking that lovely "Place Order" button online to send my next possession speeding to my doorstep I tell myself, 'After this one last thing I will not order any more...I will save money instead'....and another month occurs when I not only do not save anything, but run out of money two weeks prior to the month's end.  And am I any happier for owning this or that?  NO. In fact they are forgotten almost as soon as they were gotten.

So what is the problem here?  WHY am I eating too much?  WHY am I buying too much??
I think partly the problem is loneliness.  I have friends.  Virtual ones.  I have a husband who  recently reminded me that that is "in name only.  On paper only."
I have satisfactions.  I've just misplaced them I think.

I watched the next to last session of John Piper's DVD series "When I Don't Desire God--How to fight for Joy" and felt pricked to the core.  I have not desired God for a long time. I have desired to desire God. but that is an altogether different thing.  That is like looking at the map and thinking you have arrived when you have not yet left.  Just because I can SEE where I want to be; does not mean that I am there already.

So much is out of kilter.  I read that book on the Gospel...and it pumped me up....but now, I can no longer recall a word that it said.  This is likely due to my lack of short term memory, (thank you very much Dr. ECT) but it must also be due to the fact that I never OWNED what I was enjoying in the book.  It's like getting all excited about something you find in a catalog....but forget to order....so thus the excitement is really short lived. (and that analogy falls apart once the item is ordered and in your hot little hands and you find it wasn't really what you wanted at all).

I need something.
I need it desperately.
And once I find it...I will NOT need bowl after bowl of ice cream. NOR will I need to own everything  I set my sights on.  This God shaped vacuum in me MUST get filled....and I MUST find HIm to be my all in all; my truest treasure.  And I desire that to be the case very very much.  What is in my way....?  The actual DOING of it.  The feasting on that which will truly fill and delight me.  The OWNERSHIP by the bit of God himself who has deigned to dwell in me.  Note I said "ownership BY the God"  for truly I cannot own God but must make sure  that he owns me.  Completely.
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