Is Anyone Out There?

I have been having hellish nights.  Full of fears, hallucinations and delusions.  Anxiety is raging like a rampant wild fire....eating up my insides, ashes rattle inside my head. 

I went out yesterday.  I went to church.  And pretty much lied through my teeth about how I am feeling.  People do not, cannot comprehend when I tell them what I am experiencing.  Best not to try.  Then a friend drove me to see my mom and dad.  My mom has been very sick and she's at the age where it leaves the question in your mind, "will I see her again?" when you leave.  I was so glad to be able to visit.  But was anxious to leave..."dancin'" my mom calls it, when I pace the floor or rock from foot to foot.

I'm on a high enough dose of my psychotropic that I'm having some involuntary motions.  I jiggle my leg, shake or clench and open my hand, rock from foot to foot...I feel over medicated.  Too anxious.  I don't know if the anxiety is from the Illness, the medicine, or the prednisone.  The thing is, the psychotropic med is not working well.  And if they had kept me in the hospital longer , they would have seen that and I would not be out here desperately trying to function and win a battle in which I am hopelessly outnumbered.

I hate being in the hospital.  But honestly, I needed the help.  And honestly---I wasn't there long enough to get the help I needed.   I don't think that I can be a patient in a hospital where my husband works.  While it was nice to see him at his lunch breaks....things got a little too political.  And  I was squashed right in the middle of the melee.  I really need to try to get into Carrier if I need to go again.  If I can talk them into allowing me to bring my O2 concentrator, then all will be well.

But naturally, I am praying that things will somehow magically resolve with out the hospital.  Maybe this day program I"m supposed to begin will be the key.  Maybe I will get help there to feel better.  I need a therapist. I need a psychiatrist more than once every two or three months.  At least until things calm down and I feel better.

I feel like no one is hearing me.