Even when it Hurts, Hillsong United

Friday, August 3, 2012

Coming Back...

There is a feeling that comes when you have been really sick mentally for a time and have been hospitalized.  This feeling hits you like a leaden frying pan slam when you first walk into the glare of the sunlit sky "outside"...The feeling doesn't go away, but actually intensifies as you enter the shelter of your home.  I would call it, were I to have to give it a name, "Fragility."  I feel as though one harsh look could send me into screaming spasms....or perhaps my appendages just might decide to drop from my body...Or perhaps my head may just roll off my shoulders.

I sit down carefully, not wanting to disturb the "Cynthialessness" of my home.  It seemed to get along quite well without me.   All, that is, except for one little grey kitty who could only bear to give me the "how-dare-you-leave-me" cold shoulder for long enough to by-pass me and greet my husband first....since that initial cool reception, she has been my shadow...

I struggle for the first few days with intense anxiety.  Worries assail me.  Money worries.  Fears. Everything seems to be beyond me.  The simplest task brings an assault of insecurity and tenuousness.  The stack of a week's bills glared at me like an Elementary School principal for a full four days before I could summon the nerve to assess the damages....and even then only with the guidance and support of my case worker who visited today.

So what did I do?

Two things that required so  much courage that I can only attribute a sudden attack of momentary insanity to having committed to them. 

Today I resumed my interest and plans to make watermelon rind pickles.  I've only made pickles one other time, some 7 or 8 years ago, before we moved into this house.  It's quite a process and took me several hours, just to do the first stages...They will not be ready until Sunday night (today is Friday).  I found once it was too late to back out, that I had a question of major importance due to an unclear direction in the recipe....So I guessed and took a middle path so hopefully I won't be too far wrong.

The other "nervy" thing I did, is something that, when I think of it now, makes me want to move away and not leave a forwarding address.  I invited about 17 women over to my house next Tuesday morning to have tea and time for prayer.  Why is that nervy?  I have never once officially "had company" since ...well, ever.  My husband is as non-gregarious a person as could possibly be....and his habits have rubbed off on me.   I am terribly horribly uncomfortable in public places.  Even going to church or Bible Study is very hard for me.  (I am not uncomfortable normally in a public place amongst strangers...it's only among friends that I have trouble...Go figure).  So you see, this is a move of epic boldness.....

So if you've been invited to "Tea and Prayer" (I even made it a FB "event"), and you arrive to find the windows boarded and a "For Sale" sign in the yard, you'll know that I've totally overwhelmed myself....
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