Holey Faith

I feel lost.  I feel like I do not know who I am. Sometimes I question whether I've been at all successful in living out the standards and exhibiting the qualities I most highly esteem.  Am I a big pile of self-delusion?

Today I was meditating on a verse and I was thinking about "Belief" or "Faith"...So many of us blithely say, we believe Christ died for our sins and that means we no longer bear the guilt of them...But then we (or at least me, I shouldn't speak for others) still live under condemnation.  I still feel foul and guilty.  I struggle before God with a constant sense of unworthiness.  So does it not appear that I am not believing the very thing I claim to espouse?

Today I was reading Ps 32:1-2...

Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. 

And I thought what would I be like, how would I be different if I believed that with every square inch of my body and in every corner of my spirit?

And what about the idea that there is another place, perhaps in another dimension, or perhaps high up in space somewhere where our loved ones are who really truly knew Jesus.  And there are the saints of Scripture up there as well.  Do I really truly believe that?  Sometimes I think of it and the oddness of the whole idea strikes me.

And what about Jesus, returning...descending out of the sky to come and get those of us who are on the earth...and we will float up through the sky???

Now before you go pitching me to the whales ...let me get where I'm going.
We as humans, like stories.  Some of us like fairy tales and some of us like science fiction.
And I think it's easy to fall prey to the "story mentality"...it's easy to believe in the story...but do we believe in the REALITY??  I feel the need to meditate on this and to test myself as to how far my faith goes.  Because it seems to me that if I were really believing with every inch of my soul, that I would be a very different person.

It seems to me that every deficit of character implies a deficient faith.
And because sometimes I can be a real bitch, I think that somewhere there is a hole in my faith....because if I really TRULY bought all that the Bible says, I would be changed.  Completely  Radically changed.



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(written later)
In a conversation with a friend I was trying to nail down more firmly what it was that I was attempting to say in this blog and I made this statement...and then follows her response
me:  Yes...I' do believe it ...and I believe it with my life....but sometimes it just BLOWS MY MIND what God says is coming and what the Bible teaches is reality

and sometimes I just am so blown apart by it, I wonder if I am fully fully believing and understanding all of the implications of that

 Sent at 12:29 PM on Tuesday

 Vicki:  I think your question indicates your total belief in it. We are human and know we have difficulty sometimes forgiving 'sins' against us. Thus our humanity causes us to question, even though we believe.

 

 

So there. You don' t have to worry that I've wandered into apostacy. I'm still here. STill believing.