I've been in an odd place internally these days...Struggling with psych symptoms and some lack of stability there...and dealing too, with a body that is betraying me at every turn....hurting, weak, not breathing well, swollen...And that stuff, as uncomfortable as it is...is still merely scratching the surface of what is really going on.
Over the past....hmmm, maybe even six months, ....something VERY uncomfortable has been taking place. It is the opening of eyes; the relinquishment of self-righteousness and self-justification. It is the releasing of all of the lies I've told myself for ...maybe forever. The place I'm at right now is not a pretty one. My idealizations of myself are being knocked off their pins. I'm seeing how really really messed up I am. I think back on myself merely 4 or 5 years ago...and back then, I really thought I was OK. I thought my relationship with God was good and strong and where it needed to be. I thought I was a decent wife and mom....and that I was an asset to my employer.
And quite rapidly, all of that unraveled back then. I left my husband; I lost my sanity; I lost my job; And to hear my husband talk about me back then---I was NOT a nice person to be around, by any stretch of fantasy. NOW, I see myself. Hangups. Entrenched sin... barely sane...With a body I like to think I can command and whip back into shape...but knowing that that sense of control is illusory also. Fact is? NOTHING is where it should be.
I'm so far from being ready for heaven that the thought of death right now inspires panic rather than the eagerness that had been habitual for me. I am sin sick. Mentally sick. Physically broken. HUNG UP in terms of character; severely compromised in terms of my relationships and my "right standing " in them.
And most of all. THE LORD.
He sits over the mess that is my life....and I can kind of see him raise an eyebrow and a shoulder in a gentle shrug that says., "Ahem....What might you be going to do about this mess?" And He's completely right. It's a septic swamp. It cannot be left uncleaned. It must be dealt with and quickly. Time is running out. My body is ticking down toward certain destruction. I do NOT want to show up at heaven's gates with this mess oozing down in to my socks, expecting a grand welcome.
Self analysis is difficult....for anyone. Because more than anything what are we? What do we do? WE LIE TO OURSELVES....and we believe those lies. And when someone has a skewed reality grip as I do....then to uncover those lies and to get down to the truth....well, it takes some doing. Some real work and some real honesty. And face it: some REAL humility is going to be necessary. I don't know if it can be done alone...or rather; just between God and myself. TheWord is supposed to wash and heal us. Maybe the most important thing I need to do is to bury my face and heart in The Book....and let God deal with me there. I just know that I cannot go on the way that I am. There is too much at stake. Too much to be lost---permanently.