Over the past....hmmm, maybe even six months, ....something VERY uncomfortable has been taking place. It is the opening of eyes; the relinquishment of self-righteousness and self-justification. It is the releasing of all of the lies I've told myself for ...maybe forever. The place I'm at right now is not a pretty one. My idealizations of myself are being knocked off their pins. I'm seeing how really really messed up I am. I think back on myself merely 4 or 5 years ago...and back then, I really thought I was OK. I thought my relationship with God was good and strong and where it needed to be. I thought I was a decent wife and mom....and that I was an asset to my employer.
And quite rapidly, all of that unraveled back then. I left my husband; I lost my sanity; I lost my job; And to hear my husband talk about me back then---I was NOT a nice person to be around, by any stretch of fantasy. NOW, I see myself. Hangups. Entrenched sin... barely sane...With a body I like to think I can command and whip back into shape...but knowing that that sense of control is illusory also. Fact is? NOTHING is where it should be.
I'm so far from being ready for heaven that the thought of death right now inspires panic rather than the eagerness that had been habitual for me. I am sin sick. Mentally sick. Physically broken. HUNG UP in terms of character; severely compromised in terms of my relationships and my "right standing " in them.
And most of all. THE LORD.
He sits over the mess that is my life....and I can kind of see him raise an eyebrow and a shoulder in a gentle shrug that says., "Ahem....What might you be going to do about this mess?" And He's completely right. It's a septic swamp. It cannot be left uncleaned. It must be dealt with and quickly. Time is running out. My body is ticking down toward certain destruction. I do NOT want to show up at heaven's gates with this mess oozing down in to my socks, expecting a grand welcome.
Self analysis is difficult....for anyone. Because more than anything what are we? What do we do? WE LIE TO OURSELVES....and we believe those lies. And when someone has a skewed reality grip as I do....then to uncover those lies and to get down to the truth....well, it takes some doing. Some real work and some real honesty. And face it: some REAL humility is going to be necessary. I don't know if it can be done alone...or rather; just between God and myself. TheWord is supposed to wash and heal us. Maybe the most important thing I need to do is to bury my face and heart in The Book....and let God deal with me there. I just know that I cannot go on the way that I am. There is too much at stake. Too much to be lost---permanently.
2 comments:
Rigorous honesty...absolutely necessary to prepare the soil for humility. Kudos to this new level of openness to see yourself. But thank the Lord Jesus that I will always be an oozing mess compared to Him...that He delights in washing me, rescuing me, that He knows I don't have the slightest idea how to wash myself clean. Thank Jesus that He already bore my septic swamp and sees me in His robe of righteousness.
Thank God for the Father of the prodigal son who runs out to meet his son who smells of pigs and gives him a grand welcome. The Lord doesn't sit over my mess; He embraces me in it. He tenderly cleans me like the most adorable baby kitty who's just stepped in its own mess. And He says, "oh poor, sweet thing...let's get you cleaned up...that must feel really yucky." The humility is letting Him.
I can tell that part of you knows these things and that you know the Word far better than I. I just wanted to say "Easy does it". Every time I try to remove my character defects on my own so as not to show up before Him looking a mess, I end up seeing after the fact that it's as if I was peeling my own skin off...now that's an oozing mess.
Grace and Peace to you sister.
Sheila, thank you so much for your insightful and gracious comment. You are right, I DO know these things....but sometimes get so overcome by my own imperfection and sin that the fact of how very much I am loved fades to the background. I very much enjoyed your word pictures...they are true and I needed them to get back on track. Thanks for visiting, reading and commenting!
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